Issues in marraige (girls, dance, children, American)

[Anneee]

This is a very sad situation, but I'm impressed that with all that's going on, you've found the time to see a counselor. Have you considered a peaceful separation, you and your daughter in one house, and your wife and 2-year-old in another? You don't have to talk of divorce, just an opportunity for everyone to retreat and recover. This would give you time to think about your choices and get to know your daughter without your wife's influence.
Best of luck to you!

[Paws917]

Originally Posted by Raj_USA

In anger she has said me many times, choose between me and your daughter, she also told my daughter in anger in past, you are trying to split us and break the home, and my daughter kept crying.

If this is how she really feels, then you have no hope of bringing peace to your family. She sees your daughter as her rival ... her enemy even. Every time you take your daughter's side or move to protect her from the abuse of your wife, your wife will see you as a traitor and she will blame the girl even more. You are in a no-win situation as long as you entertain thoughts of reasoning with your wife and bringing her into the fold. In this situation as it currently stands, everyone is losing. The only way there could possibly be any winners here is for you to leave with the children. Someone earlier suggested a trial separation and that might not be a bad idea. It's not impossible for a father to get custody of the children, especially if the wife is abusive. Talk to a lawyer about it and begin keeping a journal of all of these incidents along with dates and times. My brother won full custody of his daughter several years ago because the mother was very unstable and neglected her. If you don't take action now to protect this child from the abuse she is suffering, someone may report it to Child & Family Services

[Raj_USA]

I am a very emotional person, I love my son a lot, she keeps threating me that she would leave , even if I dont ask her to sometimes, she says that, its because of my son I am not able to take this drastic step right away, I know she cannot change, she is a very nice person too , but when angry or mad I feel as if she is completely different persoanlity than what she is when she is calm, but her behavior with our adopted daughter never looks good enough to feel nice...

Some years back before I had my son I could have taken this step, that time too my personality did not make that happen, which I should i done, now I am in a much bigger mess as I have a son and am worried for his upbringing too.

Originally Posted by yankeegirl313

I don`t care if she says this kind of thing in anger or not.....why have you put up with this? Its no wonder the 8 yr old adopted daughter is a mess!!!!! Get her out of it, ASAP!!

[Raj_USA]

My wife was visiting home, outside US for 2 months, I lived with my daughter then here by ourself, I know my daughter has issues, like she wont listen or obey what is asked to do, and in general is rebellious by nature , but when it comes to me I scold her, get mad , to some extent and then ask her to correct her and I become normal and do not carry the grudge.

But my wife does not do the same, she stops talking to the daughter, does not show any interest in her.

Originally Posted by Anneee

This is a very sad situation, but I'm impressed that with all that's going on, you've found the time to see a counselor. Have you considered a peaceful separation, you and your daughter in one house, and your wife and 2-year-old in another? You don't have to talk of divorce, just an opportunity for everyone to retreat and recover. This would give you time to think about your choices and get to know your daughter without your wife's influence.
Best of luck to you!

[Raj_USA]

There is no physical abuse or harm, its all emotional....for my daughter, the feeling of neglect from my wife side, unwanted , and the big problem is my daughter does not even feel all this as bad as I do, and I could not make my wife understand this, she rather tell me dont expect me to become something I cannot become , she yells at our 2 year old too and if I try to correct her she says that is how children will get disciplied and I said I cannot hear such harsh words even though its not meant, she angrily told me she will do like this only.

its crazy talking to her in anger, she is a different person alltogether in anger

Originally Posted by Paws917

If this is how she really feels, then you have no hope of bringing peace to your family. She sees your daughter as her rival ... her enemy even. Every time you take your daughter's side or move to protect her from the abuse of your wife, your wife will see you as a traitor and she will blame the girl even more. You are in a no-win situation as long as you entertain thoughts of reasoning with your wife and bringing her into the fold. In this situation as it currently stands, everyone is losing. The only way there could possibly be any winners here is for you to leave with the children. Someone earlier suggested a trial separation and that might not be a bad idea. It's not impossible for a father to get custody of the children, especially if the wife is abusive. Talk to a lawyer about it and begin keeping a journal of all of these incidents along with dates and times. My brother won full custody of his daughter several years ago because the mother was very unstable and neglected her. If you don't take action now to protect this child from the abuse she is suffering, someone may report it to Child & Family Services

[Raj_USA]

its just emotional, I am with my daughter and she is happy also she loves the baby brother. my daughter has everythign that normally a 14 year old would not have , a cell phone, a Ipod a laptop in her room, no monitoring what she does, talks, its not as if she is leading a bad life. but yes most of the times I have to be by her side, and many times I am accused that because of me children will get spoiled.

I also know I am very poor in discipling kids , I have that weakness(may be I am too emotional or love them so much or cannot be harsh in general), but I just want my wife to not be angry with me and out of control and become normal after she feels mad and not carry it over. Also I just expect her to be little more nice to kids, esp adopted daughter.

Also I am suffering more than my daughter at times. Also our problem are at times not even related to my daughter, its just how in anger she loses my respect and abuses verbally and harshly , and when she is really mad it takes a lot of effort to get her to normal.

Originally Posted by yankeegirl313

You would feel bad huh? How the hell do you think your adopted daughter feels now? Geez ussss... I have zero patience for this topic! I need to go to bed!

[Raj_USA]

Anneee, I like your idea, I have been thinking on same lines too, temporary sepearation, but I also feel that temporary may not make things chagne permanently, may be she will try and I will try but it has to be from within, whether that change is possible is hard to say, you see I just did not go home last night and my daughter stayed at her friends place, I just send a message to my wife I will call you dont worry around 10 pm, and she replied back saying "I am playing games, and tell me what you want clearly , I will leave house in 45 minutes and you come and stay here" that made me furious, I was waiting to tell her that we should stay away for some time so that she can reflect, take therapy , decide once and for all what she wants and if she can see and do some things that I want her to, like control anger, not be too abusive and make me also do the same in return...


But I feel she has to be also forthcoming and accomodating to make this work, most of the times she threatens me , she does not try to patch up, or talk well emotionally.

When I asked her to see counselor she asked me what would I talk with the couselor, I was surprised as I thought she should just talk whatever is bothering her in life and at home, and I told her the same thing, but the fact is she is not trying to open up, not with family, not with counselor, she just told everything to one of her friends thats it, now what that friend could suggest her is not known, but that friend of her told me your wife feels you do not want to live with her and that is why she is acting that way... its all blame game, going in circles.

I am trying to get a common friend to go talk to her and see , as if I talk its mostly confrontation as she is mad at this time

Originally Posted by Anneee

This is a very sad situation, but I'm impressed that with all that's going on, you've found the time to see a counselor. Have you considered a peaceful separation, you and your daughter in one house, and your wife and 2-year-old in another? You don't have to talk of divorce, just an opportunity for everyone to retreat and recover. This would give you time to think about your choices and get to know your daughter without your wife's influence.
Best of luck to you!

[breeze823]

You are already seeing a counselor? I would stick with them for advice. Your wife sounds like she has major anger issues and doesn't sound open to changing them. Not much you can do with that, however I don't think this is a good situation to raise your children in. If a person is not open to changing their behavior, there's not much else you can do but move on. I'm sorry you and your children are going through this.

[Raj_USA]

I attribute this to anger and also personality problem, the way she was raised or something else, she is very independent, strong and tough (emotionally) personality, she would not even bend down even if she is wrong, this long our marriage survivied many breaking points because I kept pleading her to forgive, and forget, dont leave home and all that...

Again all this I see in her when she is angry or in disagreement , otherwise she is fine, but I feel a relationship runs its test when there is a conflict and how each party work towards that and resolve, and not when there is no conflict and things are cool.

Originally Posted by breeze823

You are already seeing a counselor? I would stick with them for advice. Your wife sounds like she has major anger issues and doesn't sound open to changing them. Not much you can do with that, however I don't think this is a good situation to raise your children in. If a person is not open to changing their behavior, there's not much else you can do but move on. I'm sorry you and your children are going through this.

[Paws917]

You have mentioned several times that you have a deep love for your son, but I don't remember seeing you write that about your daughter. You write that you feel sorry for her, but not that you love her whereas it's clear that your whole family adores your son. I can understand how difficult it can be at times to raise a teenager and teenage girls can be very moody at times. My teenage daughter and I butt heads often, but we make up quickly and I believe she knows that underneath it all, she is loved very much by her father and me. We tell her all the time and we attend all her school and extra-cirricular functions and listen to her when she talks. Buying kids things like iPods, cell phones and computers (which BTW most American teens have) is not showing them love. You have to show interest in them as developing young men and women, spend time with them and listen to them. I really feel sorry for your daughter. I wonder if there is anyone in her life whose love she feels. BTW, abuse is not just physical. Abuse can be emotional and mental too. When I was seeing a therapist after leaving my very abusive ex-husband, she once told me that speaking as a therapist, mental and emotional abuse were far more difficult to treat than physical abuse because with physical abuse, there could be no denial that you were deliberately hurt by this person. Maybe your whole family should seek therapy because your family dynamic is way off.