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I have been married for 8 years now, have a adoped daughter of 14 years and a son of 2 years, when we adopted my daughter she was 8 years old and i had discussed the need to adopt my brother daughter and she had understood it and accepted it , and we formally adopted her in 2003 or so. My daughter was raised by my mother till her age 8 , then we lived all together for some years and i moved to US and my daughter joined us . However relations have always being strained between my wife and daughter, she never treated her well, she does not talk to her nicely, she does not show a loving and caring nature , my wife feels that she is disobedient and she is not a nice child, everything is a issue between them, most of the time their converstaion ends up in argument,
Because of this my relations with my wife has also been too strained, there are other reasons too for our strained relations, main being my wife is very angry and abusive and aggressive when she is angry, even other wise she is controlling type, when she is calm she is ok, but most of the time we feel she is controlling and i also feel dominated in relationship to great extent,
we have reached a point where we both are talkign of seperation, while I keep telling her to try and work out, I am also seeing a counselor but she is not trying, everytime i ask her what do you want? we cannot live in such unhealthy relation , she says she wants to go , she does not try to patch up, she is not communicating properly also, she does not invole her family much or friends and talk the problem or even approach counselor, she had got panic attack and i had to take her to hopsital for depression, after which docs said she should see someone outside, i tried making appointment for her , but she did not go,
as of today she is angry,upset , not happy in relationship and is not trying to do things to change, she feels I am trying to make her change to something she can never become, I told her many times to be nice and compassionate towards daughter, she does not do that, she is mostly angry, abusive in talks if there is arguments
Otherwise she is nice to others, she loves kids, she love pets, she is compassionate to less fortunate in society, she has a heart but that somehow is not seen in her relations at home.
The other day she told my daughter to take old clothes and we would donate them which she is not using, my daughter did not like that idea she said no I do not want to do that, my wife said that "we bought you those clothes so we would chose what to do", these statements made my daughter very sad and she started crying, I then lost my cool and scolded both of them why the hell everything is a issue,
In my consellig I could find out that my wife probably does not like our adopted daughter, but it also came out that the daughter is not the issue in our relationship
The only big issue with my wife is she does not let thigns go and is angry, abusive and also aggresive, not that i do not tell her anything , in anger I too tell her i do not want to live with her , and she takes it very strongly and even when i apologise and say if you stop behaving certain way I would not say that , she does not understand
Our relation is almost over, I need some help to know what to do?
Our relation is almost over, I need some help to know what to do?
Most of that I caught, the specifics are a bit fuzzy. Daughter's brother? Brother's son? Daughter you brought to the US to live with your mother? Uhm, wha?
First thing after reading this is to then ask the counselor what you should do. As none of us are qualified, I'm sure, to answer this with any recommendation that should be taken any more seriously than what you yourself think you should do.
What I would do as an opinion?:
Explain this to her as best you can, give her the choice to see someone again, explain you can't live that way and don't apologize for it later.
Thanks for your reply, I have been going circles with my wife, couple of weeks back she said she has talked to lawyer and wants divorce , and wants to take the 2 year with her, then she got a call that her friend is in hospital in NY, she got panic attacks and depressive , I had to call ambulance take her to hospital, then that thing faded away, she never apologised or told me she was sorry to feel that way
She would hardly apologise for her bad or unhealthy behavior, the counselor told me I am in very difficult situation, I Cannot let my adopted daughter go as I feel she is young and need care as a parent even if she is not obedient, I also cannot see her stay with me in same house and be neglected, I cannot stand verbal abuse which we both indulge in when there is conflict, the communication becomes very minimum and most of the time its blame game. I am also worried as I love my son so I cannot see him go too, but surely i am not in a healthy relationship and my wife is not helping me to make it good. I decided to move out of home with my daughter and have her decide what she wants and if she wants to leave and go then that be it or if not then we can find some solution, but as far as I am concerned I dont see her changing much, she has lot of ego, anger in her,
Quote:
Originally Posted by Waynec613
Most of that I caught, the specifics are a bit fuzzy. Explain this to her as best you can, give her the choice to see someone again, explain you can't live that way and don't apologize for it later.
First thing after reading this is to then ask the counselor what you should do. As none of us are qualified, I'm sure, to answer this with any recommendation that should be taken any more seriously than what you yourself think you should do.
I agree with Waynec613;
Seems like you've covered most of the bases,
It wouldn't hurt to write a letter to her in detail expressing your desires in a non-provoking
tone, and see what happens, in the meantime don't react to anything in front of your daughter as to prevent triggering this behavior (sounds like someone i know)
something jumps out from the page though, have you been addressing her as "my daughter" around your wife all the time? it may be that she has grown to resent her and the relationship that the two of you may have may seem to exclude her in her mind. do you take sides with the daughter? just something to consider. even though she sounds done.
sounds as though your back is up against the wall, keep counseling going, maybe is she bi-polar, or a narcissist? i feel for you and the children
In my prayers
Last edited by yhwhshalomjr; 06-05-2009 at 03:42 PM..
Reason: after-thoughts
No! The issues should not have to lie at her feet, because she is not mature enough to be a real woman, to except responsibility that she took on, for an adopted child. The way I understood it... this child was 8?
They have problems, issues, of their own to overcome. Its sad, to think that they are placed in a home like yours, with your wives behaviour. Its not fair, for the child. Your wife needs to get over it, or move on.
Be prepared to pick up on this, and please do not leave this child in a home that is so unsteady.
She seems to be ok with your brothers 2 yr. old, huh? (If I understood your post right???) BS!!!!!
Last edited by yankeegirl313; 06-05-2009 at 06:44 PM..
Our relation is almost over, I need some help to know what to do?
If you want to salvage your marriage there is just one thing you need to do...put your wife in her place. I've seen this kind of abusive relationship so many times, and seen it resolved many times, and I can assure you the ONLY way to do it is to stand up to her.
You're what girls like to call a "nice guy". You let your wife walk all over you, treat you and your daughter (adopted, but daughter nonetheless) like dirt, and you let her get away with it. That's the only reason and the only way for an abusive person to be abusive, if you let them get away with it.
Nearly 100% of the time an abusive person will back down if you stand up to them, because they're really just cowardly little children who haven't been taught how to behave. But of course they know that so they seek out weak people who they can dominate.
If you don't stand up to her now, you'll get a divorce, and awhile down the road you'll find yourself in a new relationship with another abusive woman. So you might as well learn to defend yourself and your daughter now.
I have to agree with the above. Your wife obviously has issues with the daughter and it's her responsibility to deal with them as a mature adult (like getting counseling), but since she refuses to do that, you have no choice but to stand up to her and protect your daughter. She is a child without the options you two, as adults, have. When I was growing up, my mother was very critical and verbally abusive to us ... even including my dad. His way to deal with it was to escape into work. He worked very long hours. Unfortunately, we, as children, did not have that option. So my mother would yell and scream and threaten us and we had no choice but to take it. The few times we went to our dad for help, he just sided with my mother because he knew he'd get yelled and screamed at if he didn't. For a long time, I saw my father as just another one of my mother's victims and I felt bad for him too. Later, after I went into therapy myself, I saw that even though I loved my father very deeply, he abandoned us to my mother. He did nothing to protect us and that made me angry for a long time. If he, as a grown man, was afraid to deal with her, how could expect us, as young children, to deal with her? You can't make your wife get help, but you can protect your daughter. It's great that you're in therapy, but all the therapy in the world is useless if it doesn't make you take some form of action to change the situation.
No the 2 year old is our natural son and daughter is adopted
Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313
No! The issues should not have to lie at her feet, because she is not mature enough to be a real woman, to except responsibility that she took on, for an adopted child. The way I understood it... this child was 8?
They have problems, issues, of their own to overcome. Its sad, to think that they are placed in a home like yours, with your wives behaviour. Its not fair, for the child. Your wife needs to get over it, or move on.
Be prepared to pick up on this, and please do not leave this child in a home that is so unsteady.
She seems to be ok with your brothers 2 yr. old, huh? (If I understood your post right???) BS!!!!!
You may be right, today I decided I would not go home, I made my daughter stay with her friend and I visited and met her friends parents and I stayed at my friends place, my wife kept calling us both to know where we are,I send her a text saying dont worry I will call you , this was around 10 PM, she replied me dont play games with me, if you dont want to talk then say that, I will leave house in 45 minutes and go(with my 2 year old son she meant)
This was her threatening text. Then I asked my friend to go and check on her, she was not opening the door and he left her a voice message, I tried calling her she did not pick the phone
Quote:
Originally Posted by cuinlalaland
If you want to salvage your marriage there is just one thing you need to do...put your wife in her place. I've seen this kind of abusive relationship so many times, and seen it resolved many times, and I can assure you the ONLY way to do it is to stand up to her.
You're what girls like to call a "nice guy". You let your wife walk all over you, treat you and your daughter (adopted, but daughter nonetheless) like dirt, and you let her get away with it. That's the only reason and the only way for an abusive person to be abusive, if you let them get away with it.
Nearly 100% of the time an abusive person will back down if you stand up to them, because they're really just cowardly little children who haven't been taught how to behave. But of course they know that so they seek out weak people who they can dominate.
If you don't stand up to her now, you'll get a divorce, and awhile down the road you'll find yourself in a new relationship with another abusive woman. So you might as well learn to defend yourself and your daughter now.
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this child was 8? 
