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My husband and I (both 28) have been married for 3 years, but we have been together for 11 total. We were high school sweethearts and have grown up together. We have reached a point in our marriage where we feel like maybe we have grown apart and have different wants and perspectives on life. We love each other, although we aren't as in love as before, but we are both having a hard time walking away. We have struggled with this for the last 8 months and find making the final decision to leave impossibly hard. We are still best friends and love each other, but are not sure if we are meant for one another anymore. When things are good, they are amazing, but when we fight over our issues, we talk about divorce. We both have a hard time facing life without one another, so that makes me believe we should keep trying. My husband says he is exhausted from trying and doesn't know if he can anymore, but at the same time we know if we can get our relationship back on track it is totally worth it. We have always been the couple that our friends and family have admired and I think we both believe we can be that again. But how do you know when to stay or when to cut your losses and move on? Any insight from anyone else who has experienced this would be greatly appreciated.
Have you been for any sort of professional counseling? Sometimes these things just can't be resolved without outside help - and the professionals are usually better equipped than forum strangers. Good luck!
To the OP, what does "different wants and perspectives" mean? If you have different interests, maybe those can be resolved. If you have different life goals and/or values, that's something else. Which is it?
Counseling can help in some cases, but in others, it just serves to clarify the growing gulf. In any event, choose a counselor carefully - one who will listen to both of you without taking sides.
Perhaps a book might help. I recommend "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
We have been to counseling once and plan to go one more time before we make the final decision. We are just stuck wondering if we are still together because we have been together for so long and it's all we know or if it is time to face our fears and move on.
My husband and I (both 28) have been married for 3 years, but we have been together for 11 total. We were high school sweethearts and have grown up together. We have reached a point in our marriage where we feel like maybe we have grown apart and have different wants and perspectives on life. We love each other, although we aren't as in love as before, but we are both having a hard time walking away. We have struggled with this for the last 8 months and find making the final decision to leave impossibly hard. We are still best friends and love each other, but are not sure if we are meant for one another anymore. When things are good, they are amazing, but when we fight over our issues, we talk about divorce. We both have a hard time facing life without one another, so that makes me believe we should keep trying. My husband says he is exhausted from trying and doesn't know if he can anymore, but at the same time we know if we can get our relationship back on track it is totally worth it. We have always been the couple that our friends and family have admired and I think we both believe we can be that again. But how do you know when to stay or when to cut your losses and move on? Any insight from anyone else who has experienced this would be greatly appreciated.
I think 50 years ago this wouldn't even be an issue. Yep. Marriage is hard. It's incredibly hard. But today, people would rather walk than work. I can't give you advice on what to do, but you have my sympathies. Best of luck to you.
Different wants dealing with where we currently live. I moved for him for his job and have requested that when we move again (we always will with his job) it be closer to the East Coast. He has been very selfish about my requests to move East although I glady packed up and moved to the middle of nowhere Different perspectives when it comes to money. He has huge amounts of student loans that I feel like should be our priority to pay off and yet he spends extra money on his hobby of playing music. I obviously support the fact he has a hobby, but it's hard to be totally supportive when I see our hard earned money put to his music before our debt.
Different interests does not equal incompatibility. After being together all those year, there must have been something that held you together. Can you honestly ask yourself what that was? Are there other factors? A change in values or something else?
We have been together because we do have so much in common...which is why I'm utterly confused now! We recently discovered why I have resented him at times and it is because I have helped support him financially and never felt like he truly appreciated the sacrifices I have made for him. He is getting live out his dreams now and I feel like mine are unimportant. At times I think he is still a "kid" and makes irresponsible decisions and he feels like I'm unsupportive of him because of my resentments.
Okay, now we have a clearer picture of what's going on. It sounds like you're maturing faster than he is (you want to pay debts rather than finance his music hobby). Maybe you could compromise; figure out how much money should go to paying down the student debt, but leave a little for his music, too? If there isn't enough money to do both, then he needs to realize that the music will always be there if he has to stop for a while and then go back to it. The debt needs to be dealt with first.
If you don't have any children yet, please don't have any until your marital issues are resolved. There's nothing worse than bringing an innocent child into an already souring marriage.
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