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There is no guarantee that the next guy you meet will not have its share of problems. In fact, my happily married friend tells me, "Marriage is hard work even if you ARE with Mr. Right" and "Mr. Right can always turn into Mr. Wrong!"
That is, we are always growing and evolving. That is just our nature. No 2 people are going to end up feeling the same exact way about life in 5, 10 or 20 years, even if you stick them under 1 roof and hope for the best.
So knowing that with the next guy you will go thru a honeymoon period in the clouds, then all the dust will settle, and you will face reality which is, your differences, and ability to weather crises. You will still face the same music: "Are you willing to allow your partner to be who they are and be okay with it, and allow yourself to be who you are?" If the answer is no, then going to the next guy will simply trade in today's issues with tomorrow's.
Aside from feeling lovey-dovey and all the fun, intimate, wonderful, super stuff that goes with being in love, marriage or a relationship is actually very much a compromise, a constant effort to learn and grow, and improve yourself (NOT the other person). It's pure therapy, indirectly.
Try using this period of time as a learning experience, a study about yourself, about life, about relationships. Try not to focus on all the negatives. Try just being good friends right now. Remember, those lovey-dovey feelings always disappear over the yrs. Passion wanes. Some married people do find ways to ignite them now and then, but the rest don't bother.
Ultimately, happiness comes within. Depending on another person for happiness is guarantee for a rollercoaster ride.
Last night, I called him (he is home, I am with my family) to discuss everything with him. I told him that I had a new perspective on things and that I wanted to get back to where we just focused on us and building our relationship again to realize why we fell in love and stayed together all this time. I was very positive and told him that my main priority is our relationship and if we can fix that, then we can fix our other problems without fighting....at least in a more constructive manner. After I spilled my heart and soul, he said that he didn't know if he could do it anymore, and that he is exhausted from the last 8 months. I tried to explain that the first 7 months of arguing were counterproductive because we were dealing with it ineffectively and now that we know our deepest concerns and issues and know how to fix them, the real work can begin. He is still VERY hesitant to try anymore because he said he doesn't love me like he used to and said that eventually he could be happier with someone else. When asked if he thought he could be happy with me again, once we made the changes and put more work into it, he said yes but he doesn't have the energy to work anymore and just wants to work on moving on. He did agree to wait until I get home to file anything, since I think we should do it together due to our history and the fact that we still deeply care for one another. He only agreed to one more counseling session as well. I told him that when I get home, I just want to spend quality time together and not even talk about the other issues until counseling. One thing he did say that gave me a little bit of hope was that he wants what he had back but he is afraid of going through anymore heartache. Ultimately, he is tired of trying and scared of hurting anymore, but deep down I think he wants it to work, he just wants it to be an easy fix. I just don't know what to do to convince him the work will be worth it...how do I do that?
You can only convince him by behaving like a loving wife. Stop all of the arguing! Seduce him. If he won't let you do that, then give him a back rub. Go for a walk with him (but no talking about "bad stuff"). Show him you really care about him. However, this has to be consistent. You're winning back his trust, and trying to show him why he married you in the first place. If you slip up just once and an argument ensues, you will have undone all of your hard work. He's got one foot out the door already; if you really want to save your marriage, you not only need to keep that other foot from moving, but you need to get his first foot back in! Also, this has to come from a spirit of love and reconciliation, not a spirit of manipulation. And having said all of that, good luck to both you!!!
This is not entirely true. Many times divorced people move on and find new love and new zest to life and are happier than ever before. Why stay in a situation if you are not happy? It makes no sense. Life is too short to be miserable.
I totally agree with your thoughts however, this person has been with them since high school and they seem to be happier WITH one another.
Not all cases are the same. You have to put effort into the situation to make it fun.
I spent the weekend in a really rainy camping trip. Was it fun? Not really. I made the most of it. Yeah, I could have sat and complained the whole time but what good would that do? We all still had a blast just being goofy. You have to make light of the situation you are in.
We have been communicating our issues over the last 8 months, but only recently in the last month have we figured out where my true resentment comes from...me supporting him, watching him achieve his dreams and now no money left for me to do the same.
I guess I don't understand why you couldn't still achieve your dreams as well? Is there a statute of limitations? If he's achieved his dreams, why shouldn't he help you do the same?
Also, you said in another post he's agreed to wait to file until you get home. Why is he in such a hurry? Would he not consider a TRIAL separation while you continue to go to counseling on your own to work on your issues? Then bring him in with you occasionally to work through the mutual issues? But, really why should you have to separate. If money is an issue, I'm guessing two households isn't a good option anyway, so why not stay in the same house?
Either way, you need to stay in that house, because you're entitled to half of it. If he isn't comfortable with you being there, HE needs to leave since he's the one that no longer think he can work on things. I could say more but I will bite my tongue. I just get the feeling there's more to his side.
Last night, I called him (he is home, I am with my family) to discuss everything with him. I told him that I had a new perspective on things and that I wanted to get back to where we just focused on us and building our relationship again to realize why we fell in love and stayed together all this time. I was very positive and told him that my main priority is our relationship and if we can fix that, then we can fix our other problems without fighting....at least in a more constructive manner. After I spilled my heart and soul, he said that he didn't know if he could do it anymore, and that he is exhausted from the last 8 months. I tried to explain that the first 7 months of arguing were counterproductive because we were dealing with it ineffectively and now that we know our deepest concerns and issues and know how to fix them, the real work can begin. He is still VERY hesitant to try anymore because he said he doesn't love me like he used to and said that eventually he could be happier with someone else. When asked if he thought he could be happy with me again, once we made the changes and put more work into it, he said yes but he doesn't have the energy to work anymore and just wants to work on moving on. He did agree to wait until I get home to file anything, since I think we should do it together due to our history and the fact that we still deeply care for one another. He only agreed to one more counseling session as well. I told him that when I get home, I just want to spend quality time together and not even talk about the other issues until counseling. One thing he did say that gave me a little bit of hope was that he wants what he had back but he is afraid of going through anymore heartache. Ultimately, he is tired of trying and scared of hurting anymore, but deep down I think he wants it to work, he just wants it to be an easy fix. I just don't know what to do to convince him the work will be worth it...how do I do that?
You poor thing.... (((((HUG))))))
Listen, you have to convince him to think about this relationship in terms a man will be able to grasp. Try this....
You buy a new house...it is everything you dreamed of. You have been with this house through many storms and have made many really fond memories in this home. O.k. over the years things have disappointed you in ways you don't think you will be able to get over but it's still "HOME."
He wants to sell. Just think of all the good times you have had in that home. The memories, the creaky step, the deck you both built together and had many beautiful meals together on. The backyard where your garden helped in that great meal. The bedroom where.....well, you know.
What would you find if you sold and moved to a different house? Two or three more creaky steps? More than what you had at first? Just new problems that you didn't see till after you moved in. Will you have fond memories to get you through those memories? Nope. Just a new house.
I think you should do whatever it takes to make it work. Counseling, a retreat (if you're spiritual), compromise, time apart, etc. You should be very slow in throwing 11 years away.
That's why I do not support the "Shacking up" idea.
These two have been together for as long as I have been married but have never been committed. Now they are married and they want out.
Well, if you seeing yourselves "beating up" your relationship too much.......is that REALLY what you both want to continue doing for ??? years to come? It is very difficult today being a single person and looking for "Mr or Mrs Right" and would that be better than what you are both putting yourselves thru right now......only you know and only you can make the decision to split. You two have known each other a long time and, some couples can endure that "long time knowing each other".......as the ones who celebrate 50 years of marriage!
Wife and I are older (60-61) than you two and we have our "spats", but we say "sorry" and move on.......with tons of love for each other! We've known each other for 9 1/2 years/married 8 1/2.
Good Luck!
Quote:
Originally Posted by LindsyBrooke
We have been to counseling once and plan to go one more time before we make the final decision. We are just stuck wondering if we are still together because we have been together for so long and it's all we know or if it is time to face our fears and move on.
My husband and I (both 28) have been married for 3 years, but we have been together for 11 total. We were high school sweethearts and have grown up together. We have reached a point in our marriage where we feel like maybe we have grown apart and have different wants and perspectives on life. We love each other, although we aren't as in love as before, but we are both having a hard time walking away. We have struggled with this for the last 8 months and find making the final decision to leave impossibly hard. We are still best friends and love each other, but are not sure if we are meant for one another anymore. When things are good, they are amazing, but when we fight over our issues, we talk about divorce. We both have a hard time facing life without one another, so that makes me believe we should keep trying. My husband says he is exhausted from trying and doesn't know if he can anymore, but at the same time we know if we can get our relationship back on track it is totally worth it. We have always been the couple that our friends and family have admired and I think we both believe we can be that again. But how do you know when to stay or when to cut your losses and move on? Any insight from anyone else who has experienced this would be greatly appreciated.
This makes me so sad...
please don't take offense, but your both still very young, and life never stays the way it was, it's constantly changing...evolving and you might not realize it, but it is perfectly normal. Many couples go thru this...
You say you both still love each other, then why not see a good marriage counselor....first?
Life as you both know it can't stay the same, b/c you both are growing, (evolving) It's how life is, as we get older, our perspectives change, what we once looked at as dreams changed, everything changes....actually a couple who are mutually compatible, encourages one another to expand and excel....
Love grows to...and love comes and goes in many different forms...but if you to are great friends, why give up? That to me is the biggest and best foundation for a marriage....why not simply see a marriage counselor? What would you both stand to loose.
Life out there in the singles world is not what you think it to be...believe me....you'll both be shocked, and you both might end up with people you really don't deserve....
You have to do what you have to do...no one can give you answers, but I'm not for thowing in the towel just yet...
Love sometimes needs a break to...yanno?
big hugs Creme
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If he won't let you do that, then give him a back rub. Go for a walk with him (but no talking about "bad stuff"). Show him you really care about him. However, this has to be consistent. You're winning back his trust, and trying to show him why he married you in the first place. If you slip up just once and an argument ensues, you will have undone all of your hard work. He's got one foot out the door already; if you really want to save your marriage, you not only need to keep that other foot from moving, but you need to get his first foot back in! Also, this has to come from a spirit of love and reconciliation, not a spirit of manipulation. And having said all of that, good luck to both you!!! 
