Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I want to continue the counseling but he only agreed to one more session before deciding. We have been communicating our issues over the last 8 months, but only recently in the last month have we figured out where my true resentment comes from...me supporting him, watching him achieve his dreams and now no money left for me to do the same. He says he loves me and wants the old Lindsy back who doesn't focus on finances, but that isn't realistic now since we aren't being supported by our families anymore. Young love was a lot easier when we weren't paying the bills together. I love him and he is my best friend, but I don't know if I can get over that I feel like myself and dreams have been lost along the way.
Just out of curiosity, did you realize how passionate he was about this when you married him? And if you did realize, did you think he would magically change once you were married? If you guys have been together for eleven years, I doubt this came from out of the blue, and neither did his debts, right? [/quote]
He realized before we got married that his music would not be sufficient for us to live and have a financially stable life. I never asked him to give it up, but he put it aside in order to get back on track with his education and now his current career. He has achieved a lot in the last 3 years, but now his student loans are due and he owes 50,000 which is more than his current salary. I just feel like he is letting the 'dreamer' back in and not focusing on the reality of his debt first. I have always wanted to take care of him, even financially, because I knew his parents couldn't. I just hoped that when we got married he would want to take care of me too.
...We recently discovered why I have resented him at times and it is because I have helped support him financially and never felt like he truly appreciated the sacrifices I have made for him. He is getting live out his dreams now and I feel like mine are unimportant.
I know you're not supposed to keep score in relationships, but I think you need to sit down and figure out exactly how much you've contributed to his upkeep over the years. Come up with a dollar figure and try to back it up with receipts, bank statements, bills, etc.
If you end up getting divorced, you'll need to get some kind of compensation for this. Really, don't sell yourself short. If this is a problem in your relationship, if it is one-sided and irretrievably so, then you need to ask him to start paying you back, as well as as paying off his other debts. You're not the bank and you shouldn't be a doormat.
To some extent, when you get married, the "You" gets sublimated in favor of "We". Or at least it should. This doesn't mean that you're merely a doormat for your husband, nor are you his meal ticket. It just means that both of you should be working towards the betterment of "We". If he is taking everything and not giving back, then yes, of course you're going to feel resentful! Who wouldn't?
So, what is he giving to you that makes you want to stay married? I'm not talking about the familiarity or sex or whatever... How does he make your life easier, and make you feel that he loves and appreciates you? And what do you do as well to make him feel that way? When people feel loved and cared for, they're much more willing to talk things over and not just bolt for the door.
We have tried to deal with our differences on finances by splitting our accounts completely. We no longer have a joint account and now he is soley responsible for paying down his student loans and credit cards. I feel better financially for myself, but I still worry that he isn't concerned about his debt as he should be. He has a great job now, but still dreams of making it big in the music industry. I cannot be totally supportive of his music because that is why he has so much debt today. He feels like I should not be as worried about the debt and be totally supportive of his music career. I grew up with parents who struggled financially and refuse to live my life that way. Children aren't an issue at this point as it is not something we are even close to considering. Am I being selfish by wanting him to not spend money on his music until he gets some of his debt paid down???
Sorry, I didn't see this post earlier.... Hey it takes two to work at it. I get his dreaming of making it big, but a reality check is in order. You should not, nor should you be expected to, carry the financial burden by yourself. If he's not willing to work with you on this, then he's the one closing the door. It's very, very selfish of him to put his dreams ahead of your current financial problems. At least he's working, but he needs to take care of finances before he can go play.
Perhaps you can work out an arrangement, that after the bills are paid/lowered or whatever, then he can chase his dreams, but not until then.
I think if you both are already having separate finances, you have already divorced in your mind--you both are pulling away from each other and headed down different paths.
Note: If his finances are bad, and he's not paying his bills, it will effect your credit rating as well even after your divorce.
We have been to counseling once and plan to go one more time before we make the final decision. We are just stuck wondering if we are still together because we have been together for so long and it's all we know or if it is time to face our fears and move on.
You're going to make that kind of decision after only 2 sessions? Did you expect a miracle after that? Since you're unable to make a decision at this point, continue to go until you CAN make a decision either way.
2 more books by Dr. Laura:
Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage
10 Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships.
Edtiting my post to add: NOW that you've given us more detail, your husband needs to read these books more than you do. Sounds to me he's just not enough of an adult to have taken on a wife. If he's adamant about being irresponsible about finances, I don't know what to tell you. If you divorce, I'm assuming you'd be responsible for half that debt, I don't know. Get a legal opinion.
Sorry you're in such a rough place.
Might I add to the Dr. Laura haters (I'm no major fan), just shut-up and let the OP decide if she wants to read the books.
Last edited by steelstress; 08-09-2009 at 11:59 AM..
Reason: OP gave more info.
Thank you to everyone for your advice and support. This is such a lonely situation to be in, so this has been helpful. I honestly think the #1 reason I haven't left is the fact that i'm scared...I constantly think, what if i'm alone forever, what if I never find a love like this again, what if he moves on quicker than I do. Also, I do still love him but I wonder if this was a high school/college relationship that lasted too long due to familiarity....
Have you considered counseling, or a trial separation? I'm not a fan of either, but it's works for some.
I think in their case, counseling to help them reconnect might be a good thing.
It would at least help them realize if they do actually want to move on, and perhaps they could still remain friends. If it carries on the way it is, someone will most likely get hurt.
I am not speaking of marriages where the woman is downtrodden. I am simply referring to the trend of getting married and walking out when things need work, dedication, and patience. Pretty well established and documented - that shouldn't be news to anyone.
You are right of course but to many marriage is nothing more than some legal contract, nothing really more than some piece of paper that says they're married and can be easily followed by a piece of paper that says they now are not.
It depends on how someone really views marriage. Some see it as a sacramental binding of two separate people into one and divorce for trivial reasons is out. There are those who don't view it much more than some legal partnership and all shades of in between.
This is one reason I think marriage counseling before the marriage is a good idea, some churches do that because too many people believe their infatuation will get them a marriage that works and never look at money, finances, future children.
Probably this couple has enough history and similar values that they could make it, and are both young enough to not be too set in their ways but counseling is likely needed.
Thank you to everyone for your advice and support. This is such a lonely situation to be in, so this has been helpful. I honestly think the #1 reason I haven't left is the fact that i'm scared...I constantly think, what if i'm alone forever, what if I never find a love like this again, what if he moves on quicker than I do. Also, I do still love him but I wonder if this was a high school/college relationship that lasted too long due to familiarity....
And no - you will never find a love like this again. You didn't date anyone else throughout high school so even if you found someone from your high school, they weren't your highschool flame.
You'll most likely find and date others who didn't make their relationships work. You will find yourself in the "divorced" category. You could be alone forever but very easily you will find other temporary relationships - or you could find one that could work. You could fall in love again, maybe with someone very responsible and then money issues won't be there. In other words - it's a big big world out there and there are absolutely no guarantees.
There aren't any guarantees if you stay in this marriage either.
Last edited by malamute; 08-09-2009 at 02:50 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
[/quote]
