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Last night, I called him (he is home, I am with my family) to discuss everything with him.... ....he just wants it to be an easy fix. I just don't know what to do to convince him the work will be worth it...how do I do that?
As I said before, you can't change him. If he is that ready to move on then all you can do is to respect his wishes. Sometimes, after all we hope and dream, and all the work that we've put into things, there's just nothing left.. it sounds like that's where he's at.
Still, what I said before, just stop.. stop trying to fix things, quit talking to him about the problems, quit bringing up issues.. Instead of telling him that the past months wern't productive, start showing him that you've learned something and that you're done with the fighting as well. There's a time to work things out, and there's a time to let things go. Just let things roll for awhile. If he changes his mind, great.. If not, well, you'll have to learn how to move on as well.
But, here's the thing.. When all is said and done, you'll know that you've done the most you can possibly have done, and you will have learned something from all of this.
I am trying to imagine getting together with someone at 17... With a 17 year old boy? Who has to mature yet? I am looking at my son who's 4.5 and still is about 80% a toddler... Boys mature later... Seeing him getting into a relationship "for life" in 12 years???? Stick me with a fork, it will feel better.
Not that I didn't want to have a boyfriend at 17... Or at 28... I just think in both cases, had I been with someone at 17 or at 28, it would have not lasted. At 28, even with 11 years together, you haven't reached knowing the profound truth yet.... That happiness comes from within. Well, maybe you know about that, but really "feel" it - no. If you really knew that, there would be NO "working" on him.... communicating, yes, but no feeling that you could be happy if only he changes his ways.
It amazes me that he sounds so exhausted on your pressing of more "working"... I would be exhausted, too. Maybe you take the notion of "working on a relationship" too literally, - but who can blame you, at 28. Working is not trying to change another human being... it's more of finding your own happiness (independently of external circumstances) and learning to love people as they are, with warts and all...
In a way, this article I posted today, mirrors your situation (they were married for 20 years) - the woman decided to give him space and set him free. Had she insisted on "working on the relationship", they'd be divorced now.
I am just not sure that you are capable, right now, to get the "setting free" part.... Not in terms of divorce, but - in terms of letting him be.
Edit: His dream of becoming a musician.... It takes years and may work out and may not work out... Yet, I guess I treasure "following dreams" higher than any other goal in life.... I've seen too many people dropping their drudgery jobs at 50 and forming their own bands and playing gigs in bars - and finally being happy, - for the first time in their lives. Who needed to wait for 50 years? Maybe the wife who kept pressing them into "making money", - so she could shop or have a mortgage?
I know that women need stability. I know better, now, that most of all, they need a happy person next to them.
I am just not sure that you are capable, right now, to get the "setting free" part.... Not in terms of divorce, but - in terms of letting him be.
WOW! Great Article! I think that has to be one of the best things I have ever read.
To the OP, if you could find the strength to realize that it isn't about you, the wanting to move on part, your marriage might just have a chance. If he's truly just now realizing what he wants in life, and you're not willing to let him explore that, then I can't see anything making a difference to him. If he truly wants to file, there isn't anything you can do to stop that.
Update: Just got off the phone with my husband and here is what has been decided. Neither one of us is ready to file, there is still too much love and hope for our future. I am going home tomorrow,we are not going to discuss all the issues/crap that has been tearing us apart and we are just going to spend quality time together. We are going to do the things that we have in the past and hopefully see why we fell and stayed in love for so long. Another main focus is that we are both going to work on being happy separately and doing what fulfills us as individuals. We both agree that if we can be happy with ourselves, everything else should fall into place. If it doesn't and we still can't get our marriage back on track then at least we know we tried and we can both walk away knowing that we are at least happy as individuals. I am very excited about this new journey and hopeful that it will work...at least it is worth a try. Thanks to all for the support, advice and kicks in the face (they were well deserved)
well i obviously havent been in your position but my parents got divorced. they used to fight a lot and there is just a point when you wake up every day and your not excited to see the person & your not happy & thats when you have to be strong and put it in the past. if your not at that point then keep trying. love & marriage are very important life choices and its not something to mess up & regret. just asses the situation and think of what you get & what you loose from each decision. if you love the person & you want to be with them i would fight and fight hard to make it work. try counciling, and support from friends anf family. i wish you the best of luck because divorces are... complicated. my parents were staying in the relationship for my brother and i but they were simply not happy & didnt love eachother. my mom has a new boyfriend and my dad has remarried now & ive never seen them so happy but it is really really hard to discover you arent meant to be with someone after loving them but if you are meant to be then it will happen but there is a whole world of oppurtunities waiting for you out there. dont regret your decision & do what makes you happy. best wishes.
Update: Just got off the phone with my husband and here is what has been decided. Neither one of us is ready to file, there is still too much love and hope for our future...
Mrs. Lindsy, I gotta tell ya, that's one of the best things that I've heard all day! It won't be easy (Nothing is), but it'll be worth it. I'm extremely glad that you two have decided on what you've decided, and I hope sincerely that everything works out as it should.
I wish you and yours many many great years together!
2 people who are happy by and within themselves can easily be happy together. Glad you are both going to focus on that. The definition of co-dependence is depending on someone else to give you happiness, and of course being let down by it. That never works! Sharing of your OWN happiness with the other person does work (and him sharing his OWN happiness with YOU).
My husband and I (both 28) have been married for 3 years, but we have been together for 11 total. We were high school sweethearts and have grown up together. We have reached a point in our marriage where we feel like maybe we have grown apart and have different wants and perspectives on life. We love each other, although we aren't as in love as before, but we are both having a hard time walking away. We have struggled with this for the last 8 months and find making the final decision to leave impossibly hard. We are still best friends and love each other, but are not sure if we are meant for one another anymore. When things are good, they are amazing, but when we fight over our issues, we talk about divorce. We both have a hard time facing life without one another, so that makes me believe we should keep trying. My husband says he is exhausted from trying and doesn't know if he can anymore, but at the same time we know if we can get our relationship back on track it is totally worth it. We have always been the couple that our friends and family have admired and I think we both believe we can be that again. But how do you know when to stay or when to cut your losses and move on? Any insight from anyone else who has experienced this would be greatly appreciated.
Well, unless you're not telling us about a major jarring event in your life such as infidelity or spousal abuse (Mind you, I didn't have the patience to read six pages of Who Shot John), I think you are acting like a couple of knuckleheads.
I mean, where is it written in the relationship handbook that you're supposed to be deliriously happy all the cotton-picking time? There are times when you're annoyed with one another. There are times when life isn't going as smoothly as you'd hope. There are times when it just isn't all that fun. Yet, by your own account, you still really get along well. You still love each other. You don't know how you would cope without one another.
The problem? Whenever you fight, you trot out the D word and sling it around casually. I mean, when the United States invaded Grenada, did it start out by nuking the place? Of course not, yet you both threaten divorce, which is really the last resort, over trivial things.
And, believe me, until you have kids, major money problems, illness, or a host of other things, you two don't know what trouble really is. So, if you two really do like one another, I would suggest learning how to disagree like mature people not like a couple of adolescents who have a fantasy about what day-to-day married life is supposed to be like.
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