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He might be some depression. But as Chruchill said, "If you're gong through hell, keep going!"
Are you old enough to remember the movie, Mr. Mom (25 years ago)? Cute comedy with Michael Keaten and Terri Garr. Might rent it.
As you know, he must get moving!
1. You must require that he do one thing a day to look for work. No one needs to tell you that the employment market is very difficult right now. But each day he must do something to promote that effort.
2. You must require that he dress in work attire every day! No he need not wear a suit - but business casual (nice pants and shirt) every day - M-F. Tee shirts and jeans are for the weekend.
3. Getting the kids lunch and the laundry are his job until he has a full time job. Be firm, fair is fair.
I know all this sounds "demanding" but this type of thing will be good for him. To dress like a respectable person rather than a gubbies will improve how he feels about himself. Completing tasks will make him feel useful. This type of thing will help to overcome a mild depression. Be positive. Get him moving.
Spot on. The OP will do him no favors by babying him.
My husband got laid off last October. He was of course devastated. I told him that I didn't think any less of him and that I expect it to be difficult for him to find a job in the current environment.
At first, he was great about it. He was frantically looking for a job everywhere he could, helped out around the house a lot, did a lot with the kids. I joked that he could be a house-husband forever because it was so pleasant for me!
Then slowly, gradually, things started changing. He began looking less and less for a job. Now, it seems that he has stopped altogether. The kids are back in school and he has my 8 yr old making his own lunch in the morning.
What is he doing when my 8 yr old is making his lunch? He is on a sports message board. Important stuff, huh? (Can you tell I'm bitter?)
He doesn't volunteer at school or anywhere else ("I'm not a people-person")
He won't take classes to start a new career ("I'm in my 40s, it's a little late for that. Plus, I would have to then compete with everyone in that field that already has experience.")
He doesn't vacuum, mop, do laundry (except his own) or clean bath/kitchen ("Back problem")
He doesn't exercise at all (he's very overweight).
Now, he DOES pay the bills, do grocery shopping and make dinner (half the time - the other half we go out after kids' sports practice.)
What he spends MOST of his time doing is going on his sports message board. That seems to be his retreat. I know he really feels sorry for himself and his plight, but he doesn't seem to be doing anything to improve his situation.
I have been as patient as I know how to be. But the more hours I have to work to make up for his lack of income, the more frustrated I get. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I came home to a clean house and clean laundry. But I usually spend the whole weekend doing laundry (that was my job when we were both working).
So, what do I do? He knows how I feel about all of this, but when I bring it up, the conversation usually gets around to how sad he is that he can't find a job and how difficult it is for him. Then I end up feeling like an insensitive nag.
Tell your husband to get his butt online and write some essays for money. He could go wriote about sports for Demand Studios. [Ehow.com]
There is weird work out there so he could be contributing to household. If he can walk he can go collect cans, or put things up on ebay. Even disabled people do side stuff for money.
What is he planning to do with himself? He cant just sit there. I wish mine would get a regular job but I guess at least he keeps busy. What did he used to do.
Oh I see Mercury Cougar and Cpg - you are talking about the kick, the initial scare, in hopes that it will motivate him. Not taking his hand and walking with him around after that, following his progress? Because that what I referred to as a full-time job.
One-time kick, or an ultimatum, may wake him up and he'll be energized ever since.
Or it may mobilize him for a few weeks and fizzle back.
Or he may be past any fear of any kicks, in the "whatever" stage.
We don't know, and the OP probably doesn't know where he is at right now.
Some marriages desintegrated because the ultimatums didn't work. In that case, the depressed ex-spouse either forever lived in shambles, or "recovered", and become happier/successful, - something that the ex-partner didn't have the patience to wait (and maybe rightfully so?)?
Life is much more complicated than cookie-cutter solutions....
Oh I see Mercury Cougar and Cpg - you are talking about the kick, the initial scare, in hopes that it will motivate him. Not taking his hand and walking with him around after that, following his progress? Because that what I referred to as a full-time job.
One-time kick, or an ultimatum, may wake him up and he'll be energized ever since.
Or it may mobilize him for a few weeks and fizzle back.
Or he may be past any fear of any kicks, in the "whatever" stage.
We don't know, and the OP probably doesn't know where he is at right now.
Some marriages desintegrated because the ultimatums didn't work. In that case, the depressed ex-spouse either forever lived in shambles, or "recovered", and become happier/successful, - something that the ex-partner didn't have the patience to wait (and maybe rightfully so?)?
Life is much more complicated than cookie-cutter solutions....
Yes, life is complicated. Having lived mine quite well--and having navigated some tricky situations in my own life--I know that.
At the same time, some situations are fairly clear cut. Namely, that a non-functional partner in a marriage constitutes an immediate danger to the marriage's well-being, financially and emotionally. There is no gray area here to discuss.
What's more, the OP has done all the things you suggested before. Mind you, this situation has been going on for ten months. It's not as if, after three or four weeks, she's already spoiling to hand the guy an ultimatum. By everything we can see, she's been supportive and understanding. The time for coddling is past.
Self-respect does not come from sitting at home all day accomplishing nothing. And if he can't motivate himself, then somebody else has to do that job for him.
In a perfect world, it would be nice to patiently wait for a SO to get his or her act together, hoping against hope that he will wake up one day and start shedding pounds and sending out resumes. But this forum is replete with sad, sad stories about people who are tethered to partners who will not get their acts together. The misery becomes prolonged for months, then years. The bitterness sets in, and the situation never improves.
Nope. Far better to deliver a shock to the system now and get his ass in gear than to have him wallow in self-defeat. And no amount of whiny psychobabble is going to help him.
I am not sure anymore, cpg, about "making him", or making anybody. Losing weight, quitting drinking or smoking, looking for a job, getting to a doctor about health problems - it all should come out from within a person. A person next to him doing that for him, - it's a full time job.
Case in point: My hubby used to be apple-shaped when I met him. Let's go biking, or just walking? Couldn't, his back hurt. My lectures on healthy lifestyle and diet fell on deaf ears. Couldn't eat anything outside of his comfort zone because of allergies. A simple drop if an unknown sauce would have his lips swelled up half his face.
Well, it took a bit of a health scare, with a hospital stay for 10 days, to finally switch something in his head. He started slow weight loss, nothing of my doing, just him. Over 2 years, he's back into his younger days' weight.
Adult people, "big boys", need to have self-motivation. Her doing it for him, just enforces his "helpless" role.
To the OP, - it has to come from within himself. The desire to uphold the house, to find a job, to lose weight. If he ever arrives at that, I don't know. How you can manage while waiting for his "wake-up call", I don't know. I guess I'm not being very useful here.
It's a situation where its very difficult for our responses to be of use. I've known men who lost their jobs; our society has created for men an identification of self through their job and as family provider. We women identify ourselves in other ways so we can say "just push through". Your husband is definitely depressed; it gets worse as time goes on as it becomes a vicious cycle i.e. he doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel so he is less inclined to take any action. I'll bet he doesn't feel like socializing, either, as he is full of shame.
As Nuala says, he will have to find a way within himself and become get sick and tired of being depressed in order to get back on track. I would just leave him be for the time being. Nagging, helping, etc. is of no use and can make things worse. Makings kids' lunch (from his now distorted point of view) diminishes him to the role of a woman, adding to his already reduced sense of self. For the time being I think you are on your own until he comes through. This won't last forever.
It's a situation where its very difficult for our responses to be of use. I've known men who lost their jobs; our society has created for men an identification of self through their job and as family provider. We women identify ourselves in other ways so we can say "just push through". Your husband is definitely depressed; it gets worse as time goes on as it becomes a vicious cycle i.e. he doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel so he is less inclined to take any action. I'll bet he doesn't feel like socializing, either, as he is full of shame.
As Nuala says, he will have to become get sick and tired of being depressed in order to get back on track. I would just leave him be for the time being. Nagging, helping, etc. is of no use and can make things worse. Makings kids' lunch (from his now distorted point of view) diminishes him to the role of a woman, adding to his already reduced sense of self. For the time being I think you are on your own until he comes through. This won't last forever.
It's already lasted ten months. How can you be so sure that it won't last forever?
I'll give you an alternative mindset. This guy lost his job, but the family isn't in immediate financial peril. So there's no sense of urgency for him to go back to work. On one level, he's figured out that he can sit at home all day and goof around while his patient wife enables it. She can be bought off with a feeble excuse or two, so he doesn't have to do the difficult things in life. Like get a job. Or clean a bathroom.
I can't guarantee, but I don't think it will. Nothing lasts forever.
I understand what you're saying. But savings don't last forever either. This family's financial life is resting on a slender reed, and if that doesn't motivate him what will?
I suggested he start a sports blog. He said he doesn't have anything special to say. I suggested he dress business every day. He thought this was silly because most of the time, he doesn't even leave the house. And to Woof Woof, he actually DID come out and use almost your exact words: "I'm a loser because I can't support you guys"
Mostly, I feel let down. They always say a crisis reveals your true character. This has revealed to me that in a crisis, he curls up in the fetal position on the floor. I do NOT like my kids seeing a role model like this.
I totally feel your pain, having been with someone that it happened too and including my own personal experience you have to remember, when you are working, working working and especially when you are the bread winner, it's so very devastating to lose your job. At first yes, you are very enthusiastic about job hunting but after nothing happens for such a long period you eventually run out of steam and sure, self esteem kicks in and you start to feel really down which doesn't help your plight but at some point, you just need to pick yourself up and keep moving.
Sometimes that motivation comes in the form of a very positive job interview, or maybe something else good happens but I think especially for men (or the main providers) it's really tough to not fall into a funk.
Maybe just try to be more supportive and help him job hunt?? He is really down and you just have to kind of guide him back out of his hole.
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