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Sure you do. Send him to live with folks or friends until he gets his head together. Anything. But he's being a terrible example to his children right now.
I have considered that. Would that be giving up on my marriage? I really do believe in "til death do you part..." and all that.
I guess the variety of responses shows that there is no easy answer to this. But I don't want to look back and see my softness as a cause of it going on and on. I think I will offer a carrot in one hand ("Get some therapy dude") and a stick in the other ("And get off your butt or go live with your parents")
Thanks to everyone for taking time out of your life to help me with mine!
I don't agree with the "take him to the doctor" solution. If they put him on meds that just masks the problems. He needs to get out and exercise and explore the possibilities. Exercise will increase his endorphines and probably make him feel better which will lead to 10 other, better things happening.
Maybe after all the coddling a little tough love is needed.
I'd take him to the doctor, but not to get meds (I'm anti-med). I think he's far more likely to listen to a doctor than his wife when it comes to telling him to get out of the house, exercise, all the things you said.
Seems to me that your husband knows exactly which buttons to push in order to get you to feel sorry for him and to back off "nagging" him about finding a job. He has given up because that is the easy thing to do...sit back and continue to feel bad for himself while perhaps doing just enough to keep you off his back..right?? He took the oppourtunity to become the perfect "house husband", setting you up to not get all over him about not working. When he felt he did enough to get into your good graces, he backed off of the house stuff and plunked his butt down on the computer. Did you maybe think he was job searching while he was on there or was that what he perhaps told you at first? NOT...He likes where he is or he would be actively seeking employment.
Don't buy into his excuse that he is too old to apply for some jobs out there; nothing beats experience when it comes to getting hired. My last job I had prior to retiring I was 48 when they hired me to be a Senior Admin Assistant. I stayed with it until I hit retirement age so there goes that theory for him. My husband got the job he has now when he was 44; just turned 51 and he is still going strong there.
How do you handle this?? You confront him with his behavior and when he puffs out his bottom lip and says "poor me"...you don't let up on him. Tell him that you are going to find a list of "head hunters" for him to call and that will be his new and improved computer research job instead of the sports stuff. If he hasn't got at least 3 appointments within a 2 week period to meet with these job search firms, then I would pick up the phone and make the appoitments for him. In the meantime, there are plenty of retail places out there looking for help all the time...he could always bring in some extra cash that way until something else opens up. Right now he is leaving himself open to perhaps NEVER find a good job because he is just not pro-active enough.
Good Luck...don't let your husband crumble any further than he already has as right now he is becoming a burden on you and your family.
Wow, this feels really accurate. The problem with him finding a retail job is that he made so much before he got laid off, that it's hard to find a job that pays more than his unemployment.
Your husband sounds very depressed. Have you tried to encourage him? Have you gone to him sat him down and tell him you need his help you can't do it all on your own. See if he will go door to door ask if anyone needs repairs done and he would be reasonably priced. Tell him if he won't help you will loose respect for him. Be honest be up front with him. Tell him his children need him. And if he still won't help, won't do anything, then you have two choices take him to a doctor for antidepressants or kick his butt out. Or a third choice would be call Dr. Phil.....
I feel bad for him because he has lost his own self respect and respect for you and his family.
It's a situation where its very difficult for our responses to be of use. I've known men who lost their jobs; our society has created for men an identification of self through their job and as family provider. We women identify ourselves in other ways so we can say "just push through". Your husband is definitely depressed; it gets worse as time goes on as it becomes a vicious cycle i.e. he doesn't see the light at the end of the tunnel so he is less inclined to take any action. I'll bet he doesn't feel like socializing, either, as he is full of shame.
As Nuala says, he will have to find a way within himself and become get sick and tired of being depressed in order to get back on track. I would just leave him be for the time being. Nagging, helping, etc. is of no use and can make things worse. Makings kids' lunch (from his now distorted point of view) diminishes him to the role of a woman, adding to his already reduced sense of self. For the time being I think you are on your own until he comes through. This won't last forever.
Yes, although I believe that men should contribute equally to household chores, child care, etc..........the last thing you should be doing is expecting him to provide dinner on the stove, a spotless house, etc. I am not saying he should not do this; I am simply saying that you will find few men who have been laid off, who have been conditioned to be the big, bad provider, who will suddenly accept being the one who cooks and cleans in his home while his wife goes out and kills the prey. That will just make him feel worse about himself. Men are just not wired that way. I agree that whether fair or not fair, you're not going to find a man who will willingly accept that role in the household.
It's already lasted ten months. How can you be so sure that it won't last forever?
I'll give you an alternative mindset. This guy lost his job, but the family isn't in immediate financial peril. So there's no sense of urgency for him to go back to work. On one level, he's figured out that he can sit at home all day and goof around while his patient wife enables it. She can be bought off with a feeble excuse or two, so he doesn't have to do the difficult things in life. Like get a job. Or clean a bathroom.
I agree. I kind of feel irrelevant right now. Whether I am sweetly supportive or I kick him in the butt, the result will be the same. That's part of my problem, I have no control over the situation.
to be fair, nothing insensative about you. you are sheer gold.
compassion does not work on this one.
it has become a bad partnership 2 horses are no longer pulling the cart.
counseling is in order. he has chosen to fold up you have not.
handwriting is on the wall.
8 year old having to make own sandwich??? at 8 i was making the food and changing the diapers feeding my baby sister mopping floors and painting the walls. btw im a guy.
Last edited by Huckleberry3911948; 08-21-2009 at 12:31 PM..
Fortunately, I'm self employed. That being said, I'm typically one of the first people others call when they lose their jobs.
Yes, there are jobs out there. Yes, new ones still open. What's more, when job creation begins in earnest later this year, who gets called for the interview first? The guy who has networked, performed informational interviews, and gone to job fairs and professional organizations? Or the the guy who stayed at home and wrote a sports blog?
Even more to the point, a down economy means other opportunities are created in the form of outsourcing, freelancing, or being an independent contractor. I know any number of laid-off professionals who are managing to bring in money every month into the household simply by knocking on doors and selling their skills to companies who have needs but can't afford a full-time worker.
I mean, my God. When an employer of mine folded 17 years ago during a recession, I didn't just look for a job. I knocked on doors and asked if there was overflow work their short-staffed offices couldn't handle. Guess what? Within a few days, I was landing little $250, $500 assignments. Within a couple of months, I worked myself into a job that paid better than my old one. And I sure didn't get it by just reading the want ads every morning and slogging back to my computer.
In short, if there's a will, there's a way. And making excuses only serves to enable the husband of the OP.
to be fair, nothing insensative about you. you are sheer gold.
compassion does not work on this one.
it has become a bad partnership 2 horses are no longer pulling the cart.
counseling is in order. he has chosen to fold up you have not.
handwriting is on the wall.
8 year old having to make own sandwich??? at 8 i was making the food and changing the diapers feeding my baby sister mopping floors and painting the walls. btw im a guy.
Okay, maybe the kid making his lunch is a bad example. I'm all for teaching the kids to be self-sufficient. It's just the fact that he doesn't want to do it because it would mean tearing himself away from the computer.
I mean, I'm working 10 hrs a day to keep us afloat, so to see a lack of any kind of effort is pretty frustrating.
I work with a guy who told me his wife busted his butt every single day until he got a job. Every day, "What jobs did you apply for? What interviews do you have lined up?" Wouldn't let him rest for a second. Well, when he told me that, I thought to myself; "No way would I be a ball breaker like that! All he talked about was how miserable it made him!" But at least he DID get a job. Is that really what it takes?
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