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Okay, maybe the kid making his lunch is a bad example. I'm all for teaching the kids to be self-sufficient. It's just the fact that he doesn't want to do it because it would mean tearing himself away from the computer.
I mean, I'm working 10 hrs a day to keep us afloat, so to see a lack of any kind of effort is pretty frustrating.
I work with a guy who told me his wife busted his butt every single day until he got a job. Every day, "What jobs did you apply for? What interviews do you have lined up?" Wouldn't let him rest for a second. Well, when he told me that, I thought to myself; "No way would I be a ball breaker like that! All he talked about was how miserable it made him!" But at least he DID get a job. Is that really what it takes?
Sometimes. But if you asked that co-worker if he now resents his wife, I bet he'll say, "No. She made me do what I needed to do."
Fortunately, I'm self employed. That being said, I'm typically one of the first people others call when they lose their jobs.
Yes, there are jobs out there. Yes, new ones still open. What's more, when job creation begins in earnest later this year, who gets called for the interview first? The guy who has networked, performed informational interviews, and gone to job fairs and professional organizations? Or the the guy who stayed at home and wrote a sports blog?
Even more to the point, a down economy means other opportunities are created in the form of outsourcing, freelancing, or being an independent contractor. I know any number of laid-off professionals who are managing to bring in money every month into the household simply by knocking on doors and selling their skills to companies who have needs but can't afford a full-time worker.
I mean, my God. When an employer of mine folded 17 years ago during a recession, I didn't just look for a job. I knocked on doors and asked if there was overflow work their short-staffed offices couldn't handle. Guess what? Within a few days, I was landing little $250, $500 assignments. Within a couple of months, I worked myself into a job that paid better than my old one. And I sure didn't get it by just reading the want ads every morning and slogging back to my computer.
In short, if there's a will, there's a way. And making excuses only serves to enable the husband of the OP.
No excuses. Just trying to ask if you've ever been in this situation. You make good points nevertheless.
I mean, my God. When an employer of mine folded 17 years ago during a recession, I didn't just look for a job. I knocked on doors and asked if there was overflow work their short-staffed offices couldn't handle. Guess what? Within a few days, I was landing little $250, $500 assignments. Within a couple of months, I worked myself into a job that paid better than my old one. And I sure didn't get it by just reading the want ads every morning and slogging back to my computer.
In short, if there's a will, there's a way. And making excuses only serves to enable the husband of the OP.
There is HER will, not HIS. I was pointing out all along, - HE has to be motivated. HE has to be knocking the doors.
Her being a ball-breaker? It may work out, - together with a loss of some quality of the marriage. As if one partner is supposed to be scared of the other? One is supposed to be more of a boss of the other?
Besides, 17 years ago, young and full of enthusiasm, - different from someone nearing the middle age... I bet there is some middle age crisis (cliche, hate cliches) creeping up in the OP situation, too.
There is HER will, not HIS. I was pointing out all along, - HE has to be motivated. HE has to be knocking the doors.
Her being a ball-breaker? It may work out, - together with a loss of some quality of the marriage. As if one partner is supposed to be scared of the other? One is supposed to be more of a boss of the other?
Besides, 17 years ago, young and full of enthusiasm, - different from someone nearing the middle age... I bet there is some middle age crisis (cliche, hate cliches) creeping up in the OP situation, too.
What? Creditors have gotten more lenient in the past seventeen years? Stores have started giving away food? The power company now lets you use electricity without paying for it?
What's more, he is the one who has destroyed the trust in the marriage, not the OP. And if the house gets foreclosed on because the OP was the very definition of patience and understanding, then the situation is far, far worse for the marriage than if she gave him a judicious kick in the seat of his pants.
Cpg, you have a high consciousness about finances. I get it. You wouldn't sit on your rear end should you lose your job.
But, I sense a slightly different character in the OP's man. Or the depression has changed him.
Let's say your wife loses her job and gets discouraged since she can't find one. Will you be kicking her butt, giving her 3 months, telling her to go live with her parents? She's down and you kick her some more? Or would you agree she has to find resources within herself to get up and look?
Cpg, you have a high consciousness about finances. I get it. You wouldn't sit on your rear end should you lose your job.
But, I sense a slightly different character in the OP's man. Or the depression has changed him.
Let's say your wife loses her job and gets discouraged since she can't find one. Will you be kicking her butt, giving her 3 months, telling her to go live with her parents? She's down and you kick her some more? Or would you agree she has to find resources within herself to get up and look?
Oh, my man is conscious of finances. He has an 800 credit score, he does our budget twice a month. He has made a point of still not touching his severance package. I think in his head, if he doesn't have to touch it, everything is okay. Never mind that we are pulling $600 a month out of our investment acct to make ends meet.
He definitely has changed. He used to be confident, happy, focused and planned for the future. Now he said he doesn't trust his own judgment, he is irritable any talk of the future ends with his self-pity.
We have been together 15 yrs and I have never seen this side of him. Of course, he has never been in this position before. He keeps saying that he wouldn't blame me if I left him. What the hell is that??? Where's the spunk??!! Where's the determination??!! What happened to the man I married? I think he wants me to leave him so he doesn't have to face me anymore! Grrrrrrr....
Your husband sounds very depressed. Have you tried to encourage him? Have you gone to him sat him down and tell him you need his help you can't do it all on your own. See if he will go door to door ask if anyone needs repairs done and he would be reasonably priced. Tell him if he won't help you will loose respect for him. Be honest be up front with him. Tell him his children need him. And if he still won't help, won't do anything, then you have two choices take him to a doctor for antidepressants or kick his butt out. Or a third choice would be call Dr. Phil.....
I feel bad for him because he has lost his own self respect and respect for you and his family.
^^ Spot On
He is Depressed. It is a medical condition & he needs medical help. Maybe Meds, therapy, something.
Well, I'm the one hanging in there. I'm there with him for better or for worse. He is the one trying to push me away. Lucky for him, I am not so easily dissuaded!
I don't know about the whole "depression" thing. Maybe I just don't want to be forced into viewing him as a "victim". If depression causes him to sit on the sports message board for six hours a day, that's a pretty convenient problem.
I have always felt the best way to get out of a depression is to focus on others, rather than yourself. That is why I keep asking him to find a volunteer effort that he would enjoy. Animal shelter? Legal assistance? Habitat for Humanity? No, given the opportunity to have free time to help someone, he would rather wallow in self-pity.
Fortunately, I'm self employed. That being said, I'm typically one of the first people others call when they lose their jobs.
Yes, there are jobs out there. Yes, new ones still open. What's more, when job creation begins in earnest later this year, who gets called for the interview first? The guy who has networked, performed informational interviews, and gone to job fairs and professional organizations? Or the the guy who stayed at home and wrote a sports blog?
Even more to the point, a down economy means other opportunities are created in the form of outsourcing, freelancing, or being an independent contractor. I know any number of laid-off professionals who are managing to bring in money every month into the household simply by knocking on doors and selling their skills to companies who have needs but can't afford a full-time worker.
I mean, my God. When an employer of mine folded 17 years ago during a recession, I didn't just look for a job. I knocked on doors and asked if there was overflow work their short-staffed offices couldn't handle. Guess what? Within a few days, I was landing little $250, $500 assignments.
See, this is the big difference. You landed a job quickly. Not everyone succeeded as you did though they also knocked on door upon door upon door to no avail. Only people who have gone through a long period of not getting any leads or responses are in a position to respond. You're a little judgmental here. I am glad the OP is not so quick to just tell him where he can go. You don't kick a person when they're down and add to it.
I admire your toughness, Sacto and wish you the very best. Eventually..... patience, patience and the "grit" that you have.
Your husband sounds very depressed. Have you tried to encourage him? Have you gone to him sat him down and tell him you need his help you can't do it all on your own. See if he will go door to door ask if anyone needs repairs done and he would be reasonably priced. Tell him if he won't help you will loose respect for him. Be honest be up front with him. Tell him his children need him. And if he still won't help, won't do anything, then you have two choices take him to a doctor for antidepressants or kick his butt out. Or a third choice would be call Dr. Phil.....
I feel bad for him because he has lost his own self respect and respect for you and his family.
This is a good idea; can't guarantee that it will get him a job, but it certainly will help to tell him that you need his help and, most of all, you and the kids need HIM. This might give him a little more pep. No visit to a doctor will get him a job. A job is all he needs. Once he gets a job, he won't be depressed. This is entirely a situational depression.
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