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The problem is that abuse almost always starts small and escalates over time. It typically begins with excessively severe criticism. Okay, so your husband is kind of a sourpuss, but you wouldn't (gasp!) divorce him just because he carps on you for 3 days when you after you oversalt the salad or forget to send in the credit card payment on time, would you? Next comes the jealousy. So your husband is a jealous type, but is him flipping out a bit when you don't arrive on your usual 6:30 train enough of a reason to break up your marriage? Especially if you've got kids? Then the name-calling. Okay, that's bad. But enough for a divorce? Most folks would probably say you should help your husband get over his problem. Mostly by not being such a b/tch. Next we have the pushing. Okay, that's violence and it's serious. But hey, it's only a little bit worse than name-calling, and no actual damage is inflicted, right? You've been married 10 years now, this is your mate and partner. Do you really want to be like all those other fickle women who dump their men for shinier models? You are better than that, aren't you? Then, finally, you get the first punch. And at that point, all of a sudden, it's "partially" your fault you got punched because you remained with this controlling man for so long. Right?
This is the problem I have with saying that women who are married to controlling men are to blame for being "controlled".
What's the solution? I think helping women understand what is off-limits in a healthy relationship would be an absolute start. But my point remains the same. If a woman understands that she is in an abusive or exploitive relationship, she has to walk away from it herself, get help, or whatever else.
I did consulting work for a woman's shelter. And the counselor said over and over again, "The first time he does it, it's his fault. The second time he does it, it's your fault. Walk out of there and don't go back."
The problem is that abuse almost always starts small and escalates over time. It typically begins with excessively severe criticism. Okay, so your husband is kind of a sourpuss, but you wouldn't (gasp!) divorce him just because he carps on you for a day or two after you oversalt the salad or forget to send in the credit card payment on time, would you? Next comes the jealousy. So your husband is a jealous type, but is him flipping out a bit when you don't arrive on your usual 6:30 train enough of a reason to break up your marriage? Especially if you've got kids? Then the name-calling. Okay, that's bad. But enough for a divorce? Most folks would probably say you should help your husband get over his problem. Mostly by not being such a b/tch. Next we have the pushing. Okay, that's violence and it's serious. But hey, it's only a little bit worse than name-calling, and no actual damage is inflicted, right? You've been married 10 years now, this is your mate and partner. Do you really want to be like all those other fickle women who dump their men for shinier models? You are better than that, aren't you? Then, finally, you get the first punch. And at that point, all of a sudden, it's "partially" your fault you got punched because you remained with this controlling man for so long. Right?
This is the problem I have with saying that women who are married to controlling men are to blame for being "controlled".
Thanks, Red, for being spot on as usual.
I also know a lack of public awareness and education also contributes to the alienation. I can't tell you how many women I have come across who felt they had nowhere to turn when their families and friends either minimized the abuse or blamed it on them.
It's even worse when it turns into stalking; they're then paranoid and/or egomaniacs. After all, what makes them so special that someone would stalk them? Or if you he/she sees you have moved on, they'll leave you alone. I could go on and on.
People tend to project rational thinking onto an irrational situation. It is just not that simple or everyone would be out of their abusive situations.
A dominant person isn't always domineering. Dominant behavior can indicate leadership, or decision making. If a mate is too timid, someone has to be more dominant, or they could find themselves sitting around all day staring a hole in the wall. Domineering mates would generally try force the issue, even if the mate balked. Bossy mates can boss, but no one has to budge if they don't want to. Who wants to live with a human bulldozer ?
First of all, you need to understand a "dominant" man is not necessarily the same thing as a "domineering" or controlling man. Dominant, alpha males are self confident, more leader than follower, and self assured. In short, they can make great mates
Domineering men look for woman they know they can control because that's how they can overcome their feelings of inadequacy. They really have no self esteem and usually look for woman with none either.
I'm not sure the word "fault" should be used though when talking about women who get involved with controlling men. Some of them are just gravitating toward what they know and what feels comfortable if they were raised by controlling fathers themselves. It can be a really hard cycle to break.
True, there is a difference. A strong dominant person is attractive but doesn't have to be pushy or aggressive. It's something about their charisma and inner strength.
Beats me. I've seen some marriages so awful that my wife and I wonder why she sticks around. I mean, don't you think life's way too short to be stuck in a marriage where you're not respected?
Personally I would think, at the very least, physical abuse, followed by mental abuse, should be reasons to immediately pack the car and drive away, never to look back.
My daughter is fourteen. And I've already had talks with her about what kinds of boys are out there. I've advised her that if a boy doesn't make her feel good about herself, then she should walk away. I've advised her that if a boy doesn't respect her wishes, then she should walk away. I've advised her that no boy should tell her how to think, dress, or behave. I've advised her that she has extraordinary value in this world, and she should be liked for who she is, not what some neanderthal thinks he can shape her into.
Also, I told her that if some boy, when picking her up, honks for her in the driveway, he can sit there all night. He's picking up my daughter. Not a pizza.
You hit on a key point. A lot has to do with a girl's father, the father is the man who teaches her how she should be treated, what she should expect for herself. The father is the first man in her life and sets the tone for her following relationships.
True, there is a difference. A strong dominant person is attractive but doesn't have to be pushy or aggressive. It's something about their charisma and inner strength.
You hit on a key point. A lot has to do with a girl's father, the father is the man who teaches her how she should be treated, what she should expect for herself. The father is the first man in her life and sets the tone for her following relationships.
If you grow up in an environment and this is the only way you see relationships it is all you have to go by and will more than likely gravitate to a relationship just like it. Growing up in a situation like that often means a person thinks this is what all relationships are like and that's how they see 'normal'. Same goes for men developing certain abusive personalities because their father's were.
The problem is that abuse almost always starts small and escalates over time. It typically begins with excessively severe criticism. Okay, so your husband is kind of a sourpuss, but you wouldn't (gasp!) divorce him just because he carps on you for a day or two after you oversalt the salad or forget to send in the credit card payment on time, would you? Next comes the jealousy. So your husband is a jealous type, but is him flipping out a bit when you don't arrive on your usual 6:30 train enough of a reason to break up your marriage? Especially if you've got kids? Then the name-calling. Okay, that's bad. But enough for a divorce? Most folks would probably say you should help your husband get over his problem. Mostly by not being such a b/tch. Next we have the pushing. Okay, that's violence and it's serious. But hey, it's only a little bit worse than name-calling, and no actual damage is inflicted, right? You've been married 10 years now, this is your mate and partner. Do you really want to be like all those other fickle women who dump their men for shinier models? You are better than that, aren't you? Then, finally, you get the first punch. And at that point, all of a sudden, it's "partially" your fault you got punched because you remained with this controlling man for so long. Right?
This is the problem I have with saying that women who are married to controlling men are to blame for being "controlled".
Well women are not really at fault. The thing is women are scared of their men who is controlling. They believe there is no way out. Also, they believe that if she tries to get away her husband will follow her and abuse her. Women need to step up and stand up for themselves, because if not this routine will continue to happen. Also there are help out there that they can seek. There is a hotline for abused women. Also there are many women's group that are only to help those abused women out of the abused relationships.
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