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I really, really need your thoughts and wisdom to help me overcome a couple snags in my mind.
This is long - I'm really very sorry about that. I'll use a lot of paragraphs.
I went on a date this evening with a great man. He has a handsome face, is educated with an advanced degree - extremely intelligent, well-spoken, funny, nice job, impressive morals, values and ethics, so attentive, very thoughtful, easy to talk to, giving. . . I could go on. Bottom line, I was impressed.
He is a few pounds shy of 400lbs @ 6'3 and 37 years old- realistically, I would put him at about 380-390. I believe the highest weight I ever dated was, I don't know, off the top of my head - probably about 290-300'ish, I suppose. I was fully aware of his weight issue ahead of time. No biggie.
We met for a couple of drinks this eve - he came with a single long stemmed rose and handed it to me as he told me how beautiful I looked and complimented my outfit. He is very charming, in a nice, healthy way - great manners.
During drinks (he paid and would not allow me to when I pulled my wallet from my purse), there were people staring at us. In particular that stood out the most, one couple that was whispering to each other and the obnoxious woman was pointing at him with the "haha, look at that fat guy" look on her face. It was just so rude. My dates back was turned and did not see it.
When they both fully looked up and were no longer leaning into each other giving my date quick amused glances, they realized with the 'deer in the headlights look' that *I* was glaring at them with much disdain. After, they made it a point to not make eye contact. It did catch them off guard. However, when the man (who was making fun of my date with the lady) was coming back from the bathroom about 30 minutes later, I turned my head so he could catch my eye - which he did - and I gave him the quick slit-eyed squint of "how dare you, shame on you." He looked away fast (he knew what it was for) and both did not look our way again. They were facing toward me and would not even look in our direction.
Not once did I ever mention it to my date, nor would I ever. I'm only the 2nd woman this man has been out with in 5 years and I was determined to make it one of the most enjoyable times he's had.
Various men in the bar - looked in curiosity and did double takes. I mean, I am so much smaller than my date - and I know by their sort of puzzled looks on their faces they were wondering what I was doing with a man of his size. I do not know, it was just something I never had experienced before. and thing is, it was not even like I was trying to notice - people just did not do anything to be subtle in their reactions. And yes, I was very attentive to my date - but as you know, you have moments where you look away. I wasn't looking for something - people were just so dang rude and obvious.
Do I want to see this man again? Yes. The good in him outweighs the bad.
Am I having difficulty picturing sexual relations with him? Yes. For some obvious reasons.
Am I attracted to him? Yes, despite the fact I have a hard time picturing sexual relations due to his size. He is not an ugly man.
He does want to lose weight and lost 30-40lbs in the past one year, he said. You and I know that a person of size can easily lose 100-150lbs in a year with dedication. When we talked tonight about food and losing weight, it was apparent that he has tried in his own way - but no one has taught or showed him the correct way. Such as, he said sometimes he will go a day without eating, but the next day he will eat 3 packages of Ramen Noodles and then eat nothing the next day. Then the next day will eat a Ramen Noodle and ice cream. That sort of thing - eating the wrong things and is not exercising outside of normal activity. I know that I can at least try to help him with this since he has the desire and willingness. I can teach him and even get him out to start to go on walks with me or go to play some hoops, etc. - and lastly, assist him by recommending a great colon cleanse. Right?
He is very interested in me and when he got home this evening, he sent me a nice email stating his interest. He also stated that he wishes that I could go with him tomorrow night down to Miami to pick up his daughter at the airport, but feels that I would think it to be awkward and too soon because he is staying the night in Miami and does not know how I would feel about meeting his daughter so quickly. I can easily see this guy getting very serious, very fast. Who can blame him, I am a gem! Haha. . . OK, back to being serious. . .
My confusion is this. . . . yes, he needs to lose weight, obviously. I can help him since he has the desire to. And I do not have sex with men right away. The last guy I dated, we were together for 2 months and I did not have sex with him at all. Slept in the same bed twice and I avoided the gravitational pull of his cockadoodle-doo. Sad, but true - but I am glad I did not. I am one of those women that has sex in a serious relationship only - and that's just how I am wired. Couldn't care when everyone else does - lol - but that is my gig. K! SoooooOOooo. . .
Since the basic attraction is there - (and I mean it when I say that when or if he loses weight, he will be a real looker) - there is chemistry there mentally and it's generally there physically (just not enough to sleep with him at this point). . and when/if he loses weight, there will be more physically. You know what I mean. .
Question #1. . .
So since I am able to hold out on having sex with a guy, would it be wrong if I continued to date this guy and just held out a wee bit longer than I normally would whereas sex is concerned? Or am I just being a total idiot in thinking that? I feel like such a douche bag for even saying/thinking that.
Now question #2.
How do I word this. I do not want to make it sound disrespectful to him . .because I am not being that way.
If you were the onlooker seeing my being with such a grossly obese man, would it make it appear that I am dating much less than I am capable? We are not talking about a man who has a few pounds to lose - we're not talking about a belly. He is *obese.* But like I said - this guy is an amazing man - but as an onlooker, you do not know that, you do not see that. I need to know your thoughts if YOU were to see an in-shape attractive woman out with an obese man. I am not a shallow woman - but naturally, this is somewhat a concern. Am I putting some sort of respectability (if that's the right word) of my own on the line? What were people thinking when they kept looking? Put yourself in their position - what would YOU be thinking?
Please, no hecklers.
For those that may say that if I am uncertain that we should just be friends - he does like me and I do like him, so 'friends only' is not really an option. However, taking it SLOW is - and I plan to just for the fact that this is foreign and unusual territory to me. And I cannot just tell him that I like him but due to his size it is unusual for me - or can I? How could I tell someone that in a gentle, encouraging, non-threatening way? I do not want to hurt his feelings whatsoever. My intent is of goodness.
Grrrrrrrrr!!! I'm so confused. I hope you can help me sort this out in my head. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Since I am listed as one of your "friends on CD, you can be assured that the following comments are more analytical than mean-spirited. I believe if you review your own post with some introspection, you may arrive at some answers on your own.
Your post includes the admonishment "Please, no hecklers" twice. And you describe in detail how much the rude couple at the restaurant bothered you.And you state, "Various men in the bar - looked in curiosity and did double takes. I mean, I am so much smaller than my date - and I know by their sort of puzzled looks on their faces they were wondering what I was doing with a man of his size." This suggests to me that you do care what other people think about your appearance as a couple. Can you get over this discomfort if you continue to go out, because people ARE going to continue to stare?
Second, consider these statements in your post: "I was determined to make it one of the most enjoyable times he's had"........"I know that I can at least try to help him".. .........and again, "I can help him since he has the desire to."......"How do I word this. I do not want to make it sound disrespectful to him"........ "I do not want to hurt his feelings whatsoever. My intent is of goodness." While I admire your sensitivity, are these the feelings you want to have when you are looking for someone to share a relationship with?
Now, a little more personal, but gently, so don't get defensive. In your profile under "Body Type", doesn't it say, "HOT! It bends glass! LOL - kidding. =P".......and do I need to remind you of your many posts on the "Lonely Cheerleader Syndrome"?
And in response to a thread about being seen naked, you said, "In the other thread I posted that I am not shy about it at all. I work out, take care of my body, and keep it in shape so I do not have to be. Having lived in the hotter US states the majority of my life, I'm accustomed to wearing the least amount of clothing as possible and walking around in swim suits. I really like my body, I do not mind it being seen in the buff in front of my partner - be it the first time or 100th time. I am proud of it." My point is that body shape, size, and health are core values of yours. Will you be able to subjugate this value if he remains obese?
In summary, you have met a person with many attributes that you prize. He treats you like a lady, which I'm sure is well-deserved. At the same time, his obesity is in direct contradiction to your core belief in physical fitness, AND you are uncomfortable when the public reminds you of this.
I suspect deep down, you know the answer to your questions.
Since I am listed as one of your "friends on CD, you can be assured that the following comments are more analytical than mean-spirited. I believe if you review your own post with some introspection, you may arrive at some answers on your own.
Your post includes the admonishment "Please, no hecklers" twice. And you describe in detail how much the rude couple at the restaurant bothered you.And you state, "Various men in the bar - looked in curiosity and did double takes. I mean, I am so much smaller than my date - and I know by their sort of puzzled looks on their faces they were wondering what I was doing with a man of his size." This suggests to me that you do care what other people think about your appearance as a couple. Can you get over this discomfort if you continue to go out, because people ARE going to continue to stare?
Second, consider these statements in your post: "I was determined to make it one of the most enjoyable times he's had"........"I know that I can at least try to help him".. .........and again, "I can help him since he has the desire to."......"How do I word this. I do not want to make it sound disrespectful to him"........ "I do not want to hurt his feelings whatsoever. My intent is of goodness." While I admire your sensitivity, are these the feelings you want to have when you are looking for someone to share a relationship with?
Now, a little more personal, but gently, so don't get defensive. In your profile under "Body Type", doesn't it say, "HOT! It bends glass! LOL - kidding. =P".......and do I need to remind you of your many posts on the "Lonely Cheerleader Syndrome"?
And in response to a thread about being seen naked, you said, "In the other thread I posted that I am not shy about it at all. I work out, take care of my body, and keep it in shape so I do not have to be. Having lived in the hotter US states the majority of my life, I'm accustomed to wearing the least amount of clothing as possible and walking around in swim suits. I really like my body, I do not mind it being seen in the buff in front of my partner - be it the first time or 100th time. I am proud of it." My point is that body shape, size, and health are core values of yours. Will you be able to subjugate this value if he remains obese?
In summary, you have met a person with many attributes that you prize. He treats you like a lady, which I'm sure is well-deserved. At the same time, his obesity is in direct contradiction to your core belief in physical fitness, AND you are uncomfortable when the public reminds you of this.
I suspect deep down, you know the answer to your questions.
1) Check the date of the thread.
2) Read the follow-ups -- it's kind of entertaining in a sad way
3) Ask JeepGirl what's happened in her life since.
You should not go out with him. On the first date, your worried about how it appears. Save him time by terminating the dating process. This relationship is doomed. On date 1, your worried about people staring, this will not work because of YOU!
I can't believe I'm saying this, I'm getting all mushy...love is automatic. It's not prepared, just happens. I fell in love with my wife, hook line and sinker, just happened...it was not based on her looks. To this day, after many kids, some weight changes, she is still the bomb. It's not about the looks but obviously you think otherwise. Save him the time and effort.
As a man Im thinking if I were in his position and you were honest with me, I would be dieting and working out like crazy.
So him an incestive, when he loses 100 pounds you give him a night to remember, then you repeat it every 25 pounds, when he hits the target weight you become his plaything until he needs a break. this plan will make any man lose weight.
She is NOT going out w/ this guy anymore. She's engaged to another man.
She got engaged while she had another boyfriend? Was it because he was fat?
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Haha. . . OK, back to being serious. . . 
your big guy
