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It wouldn't be fair to the person whom you are dating because you still have pining baggage for another. Drop it into the trash before you go out with another person
I do understand your point, but based on the majority of posts
in relationships and I don't mean to imply all, their dating styles
are not this sophisticated. Hope not to have offended anyone,
I know that you might be one of the few that understands.
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident
Oh dear, I see my point is still being missed. I must be so damned old-school that I have one foot in the bloody grave already.
Let me try and put it simply. More simply.
A date is a date is a date. A date is something you do when you ask someone to accompany you somewhere because you know that you and that person share at least something in common. Maybe you both like a certain ethnic food, certain kinds of movies, theatre, symphony, rock, blues, jazz,opera, sports, swimming, architecture, books, poetry readings - ANYTHING under the sun. That sort of "likeness" can be established either in a social setting when you're just casually chit-chatting or even via the internet.
A simple date isn't a prenuptial dance unless that's your intent. It's a way of enjoying somebody's company who just happens to like something that YOU like. It can be Scottish bagpipe-playing or the polka for all I care but it's not a prenuptial scenario. It's simply getting to know someone a little better.
How the heck can you possibly know whether that "date" is going to turn into something more, segue to a simply great friendship or end in total disaster unless you give it a try.
So WHAT if your moribund heart is involved in the fantasy of being smitten by someone completely unattainable? You're going to hide in a box until your heart heals (getting out of that box can take years) or get on with real life which might make you realize that life is for the living and there are other opportunities out there?
No, you're not dating for the sake of dating (whatever that means and whatever is your interpretation of "dating".) You're dating because you enjoy the company of someone who has an interest similar to yours.
If the mutual interest doesn't do it and the date turns you off with rank body odor, facial tics, basic sloppiness, etc, (which, I might add you would find out much faster if you'd met via friends or whatever in a social setting and not over the internet) then so be it.
I think this is the third time I've said it now - when did a simple date become so damned serious? Anybody have the year so I can enter it in my journal?
Last edited by virgode; 10-08-2009 at 12:17 AM..
Reason: paragraphing
Maybe you call it something else when two people of the opposite sex just enjoy "hanging out" together.
Yep, I call that friendship. Dating is spending time with someone of romantic interest. And if your romantic interests are still invested elsewhere, I just think it can lead to trouble. I'm not saying it always does but there is a risk which may be better avoided, that's all.
You are in a pickle I don't know very many genuinely "in love" folks who can just throw their feelings of love away-even if it was a nasty break up. It is going to take time and healing. I think you should give yourself some time spent with friends only. To do more, could only give another soul your heartbreak.
Isn't it a bit of a waste of time to hanker after someone who's not available to you? Maybe that sounds puerile but having a fantasy about someone unattainable is a bit of a far cry from being "in love with" that person. Love is something reciprocal.
Seems to me that dating would be the healthy road to take. Doesn't mean jumping into bed and getting madly serious right from the get-go, just simply dating and enjoying someone's company. When did "dating" become so serious?
Quote:
Originally Posted by STT Resident
I must be so damned old-school that I have one foot in the bloody grave already.
A date is a date is a date. A date is something you do when you ask someone to accompany you somewhere because you know that you and that person share at least something in common. Maybe you both like a certain ethnic food, certain kinds of movies, theatre, symphony, rock, blues, jazz,opera, sports, swimming, architecture, books, poetry readings - ANYTHING under the sun. That sort of "likeness" can be established either in a social setting when you're just casually chit-chatting or even via the internet.
A simple date isn't a prenuptial dance unless that's your intent. It's a way of enjoying somebody's company....How the heck can you possibly know whether that "date" is going to turn into something more, segue to a simply great friendship or end in total disaster unless you give it a try.
So WHAT if your moribund heart is involved in the fantasy of being smitten by someone completely unattainable? You're going to hide in a box until your heart heals (getting out of that box can take years) or get on with real life which might make you realize that life is for the living and there are other opportunities out there?
No, you're not dating for the sake of dating (whatever that means and whatever is your interpretation of "dating".) You're dating because you enjoy the company of someone who has an interest similar to yours.
I think this is the third time I've said it now - when did a simple date become so damned serious?
Ayup - a date is a date. I love it when friends take me on a date. I have a couple of old boyfriends (old in 2 ways) who take me on dates now and then. We are friends after 40 years. One I'm his sailing/water buddy - I love boats and the water and so does he. Neither of our spouses is as thrilled as we are with it. In the winter, we can't DO it, so we go out to dinner or lunch and talk about it, make plans. It isn't "going anywhere" either.
It just is. I know this is a new concept for many young folks.
Buddhists call it "living in the moment." Enjoy.
STT, I truly think our age is setting us apart. The younguns look at dating as a means to an end, it's an interstate rather than a destination.
When I was young, in college, I was mad for this boy but alas, we were just friends.
I dated someone else (the cheap popcorn guy from another thread) but my heart was really not into it because I really liked the other guy. All through college I tried to like other guys but it was no good because I was in love with 'my friend.'
It took till I met my husband to get over guy from college.
Case in point: on another forum, a woman posted about how she'd been seeing this guy for a month but he talked a lot about his ex girlfriend. She started developing feelings for him though so she asked him if he still had feelings for his ex. He admitted he did - it hurt her and they agreed it would be best if they stopped dating until he was totally over his ex. If she was still single, they'd start seeing each other again.
It wasn't serious, they were only dating a month, hadn't said (or felt) the L word, etc. Yet someone still got hurt because the guy started dating before he was over his ex. If he'd just told her from the beginning "I'm not over my ex so I don't think it's wise for us to date but I'd like to be friends" it could have all been avoided. It's easy to say "when did dating become so serious?" but dating always brings the prospect of feelings being developed which means feelings can get hurt. It's irresponsible, thoughtless and careless to ignore that.
If a person is in love with or has strong feelings for someone else, should he/she be dating other people? Is it fair to the other person?
For instance, you care deeply about someone you cannot be with - your ex wife/husband, someone who is married, someone who lives on another continent, someone who is just not interested/available. Should you try to date even though your heart belongs to someone else? Or should you date in order to try to get over the unavailable person? And is it fair to the other person you get involved with if you know you don't care about him/her the way you care about this other person?
Ah I had this happen to me once as a freshman in college. I cared for this Japanese chick and lets just say she cared for a few people. We were just dating and I was naive enough not to bother asking if she wanted to be exclusive. Either way its not a nice thing to do, to lead some one on.
How ever as a young man I learned this is something woman often do, they shop around. I was thankful in the long run for the experience, I learned a lot more about woman.. just how sneaky, sly, and cunning they are in nature. I intern learned the male counter tactic of not really considering their emotional value, rather the expeditions and conquests immediately discarded, only to recounted around men amongst a beer. Ah the college days...
If you are still pining after the unavailable person, or brokenhearted with no closure, no no no. Heal and get some closure first. It's not fair to anyone else you might date, not being to give your all to that current relationship. Now, on the other hand if you still care for the person, in a sane way with a real sense of closure, then I say no problem. Many people still care for their exes but have no desire to be with them or try again with them. I think this scenario is normal and healthy.
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I don't know very many genuinely "in love" folks who can just throw their feelings of love away-even if it was a nasty break up. It is going to take time and healing. I think you should give yourself some time spent with friends only. To do more, could only give another soul your heartbreak.
We were just dating and I was naive enough not to bother asking if she wanted to be exclusive. Either way its not a nice thing to do, to lead some one on. 
I was thankful in the long run for the experience, I learned a lot more about woman.. just how sneaky, sly, and cunning they are in nature.
I intern learned the male counter tactic of not really considering their emotional value, rather the expeditions and conquests immediately discarded, only to recounted around men amongst a beer.
Ah the college days...
