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Thank you so much. I really appreciate what you're saying. It's really what I need to hear. I know I'm doing the right thing, it's just hard for me to think it's right when the people that I love the most (my mom and sis) are so opposed to what I want.
My next question to you would be, why don`t your family agree with your other guy? Does he have a job? I mean, what is their problem with him?
So I've been seeing this guy for the past few months, and things were incredible at first. It was a long-distance thing (a little under 2 hrs to start, then I got relocated for work and it became a little over 3hrs) for the first 3.5 months, and then he finished his master's and moved in with me (about 2 weeks ago). I know, I know, this was a dumbass move and we rushed into things...trust me, I know.
I'd started having second thoughts about a week or two before he moved in, b/c he was being really selfish and distant, but I never expressed these feelings b/c he had already given up his apartment and job. So now, he's been here two weeks and I just can't keep doing it. He's a great guy, but he is totally not for me. Basically, he's the rebound guy, and he is the complete and utter opposite of the guy I was dating before him...who I've come to realize recently that I am still in love with.
Now I'm stuck. The bf is living with me, and has only been there for 2 weeks, and I need to tell him that I can't be with him and that he needs to move out (by the way, the apartment and all the utilities are in my name, so there's no problem with getting him off of the lease or anything)...and I have no idea how to tell him. I do care about him, and he really is an awesome guy, he's just not right for me. I feel so guilty and am half tempted to stay with him out of guilt, but I just can't. Any advice on how to handle the situation would be really appreciated. Thanks.
You wasn't thinking with your head when you made this decision honey in the first place. Either put up or shut up! Your too busy trying to be polite and feeling sorry for him. I am not gonna give you a line of crap about what shouldn't have done in the first place, you already know better.
Tell him that his a-- has to go...its not working out and he has to get going. Make sure you have another friend, brother or whoever with you when you make this statement because you don't know if he is some psycho or not.
he's a grown up, he knew what he was doing, it is very adult for you to be able to say to him,
"I feel terrible about this, but this is not working out at all for me. We rushed into this and I can now see we moved too fast, and I'm going to have to ask you to move out."
And don't feel like you need to find him an apartment or let it drag on or feel guilty and used. He's a big boy. You are not responsible for his next living situation. Give him a date to get out and stick to it. If you have to change the locks, it's worth the expense.
I know someone who quit her job, sold her house and furniture, moved to America from Europe to move in with someone, and the second day she was in America the person told her to move out, it wasn't working.
It happens. You both learn. It is not up to you to "take care of him" in this situation. Set a date you're comfortable with and say "I need you out by the weekend" or tomorrow or whatever, and stick to it. There are places to live. It is not up to you to take responsibility for his next living situation.
The longer you put it off, the harder it will be. He is a man and will understand if you are DIRECT with what you want. Just tell him you don't think its working out and he needs to move out. Maybe give him a couple weeks to find some place.
My next question to you would be, why don`t your family agree with your other guy? Does he have a job? I mean, what is their problem with him?
My family's issue with him is basically that he isn't very responsible. He has a job (not necessarily a full-time serious job, but he is employed), but he's been in college (finishing his undergrad) since before I started my undergrad (and I'm almost done with my grad work), but he is finishing this December with 2 bachelors degrees, so that's good. He is a little bit of a partier, which bothers them (but I am too, which is one of many reasons that we get along so well). And there was this incident where he got really drunk and mad at me and made a complete ass of himself in front of my sister, which didn't exactly make him any friends in my family. Basically, my mom has been waiting for me to make "the responsible decison" pretty much since I've started dating. She had to make the choice when she married my step-dad between continuing to see a "fun" guy or staying with my step-dad and choosing the "responsible" guy, and she's been on me about choosing the "responsible" guy...pretty much forever. But in my mind, I shouldn't have to settle. I should be able to have both fun and responsible in one person, and I think the ex is that person.
I think you're too fixated on your ex. It's likely to cloud all future relationships until it's fully resolved one way or another. What happened with your ex? Did he break it off or did you? Is there a possibility he might want to get back together? A couple things to keep in mind is that there was a reason you broke up and usually, it wasn't as good as you remember.
"You know, I think we jumped into this too fast and its not working out romantically. What do you think would be the best next step for the both of us? Because I think it would be best if we went our seperate ways before any drama starts "
I like this approach
It's better for her to cut her losses now than to let this thing drag out.
I think you're too fixated on your ex. It's likely to cloud all future relationships until it's fully resolved one way or another. What happened with your ex? Did he break it off or did you? Is there a possibility he might want to get back together? A couple things to keep in mind is that there was a reason you broke up and usually, it wasn't as good as you remember.
There were a lot of issues with the ex that were really both of our faults, but had a lot to do with me not thinking that we wanted the same things out of life (i.e. good job, financial security, etc vs. partying all the time, going to concerts, hanging out with friends all the time, etc) and partly due to him being a kind of needy guy. I broke it off for those reasons (and also partly b/c I was being kind of a snooty ***** towards him b/c I have a good job, am finishing grad school, etc. and he wasn't doing these things which obviously caused us some issues). I know that he wants to get back together, and I really do too. I know things were rough between us then, and I know we're sure to have some issues in the future, but he has done a lot over the past few months to show me that he's trying to work on the issues that we had (and specifically that I had with him and his lifestyle). And I've actually grown to appreciate him needing me, b/c the guy that I'm with now just doesn't need me or apparently anybody for anything. We've been hanging out as best friends (who want more) for the past 2 months, and honestly, things are awesome between us, like, they've never been better.
Would you rather someone be with you because they "need" you, or someone who is with you because they "want" to, and don't need to?
Good luck to you, but it sounds like you really aren't sure what you want, and the grass always looks greener someplace else. I feel sorry for the guy that gave everything up for someone who was still in love with someone else and wasnt honest enough to admit it before he moved to be with you.
Would you rather someone be with you because they "need" you, or someone who is with you because they "want" to, and don't need to?
Good luck to you, but it sounds like you really aren't sure what you want, and the grass always looks greener someplace else. I feel sorry for the guy that gave everything up for someone who was still in love with someone else and wasnt honest enough to admit it before he moved to be with you.
It's not that I'm choosing the ex b/c he needs me, I'm just saying that although I used to view that part of his personality as a problem, I kind of like being needed at least a little bit. It's not that he needs me, I meant that he is a rather emotionally needy man. The current bf doesn't need me at all, which is nice, but it's nice to be needed a little bit (or maybe that's just me). He has emotionally closed himself off from the possibility of needing anyone, b/c to him, that is a sign of weakness.
Thank you for your opinion, and I suppose you are right, part of me is still unsure of what I want, but most of me is pretty darn sure that the ex is who/what I want. I feel really sorry for him for giving everything up too, but it wasn't an issue of me not being honest enough to admit it before he moved in. I didn't realize until very recently-after the move in-that I was still in love with the ex. I was having second thoughts as to the...uh...smartness (lol) of my decision to let him move in before he did move in, but the realization that I still loved the ex didn't hit until after. Had it happened before, I would have told him, b/c I really am not the heartless ***** that I'm sure I seem to be right now.
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