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I've always been upfront about not wanting children--and women that HAVE children seem to think I'm a jerk for taking that position--but I don't want the "interruption", the...I don't know, competition?...for my time and attention.
He is becoming very attached; he wants more. My thinking is that the distance will make it impossible (he lives in another city, hours away), so nothing really has to change. I'm also monogamous by nature. While we are free to date other people, I don't like to date multiple men and he can find comfort in that. I have grown to care for him a great deal so things have progressed at a healthy pace there. Even with that, I'm not where he is.
I explained this to him and he understands, but I can tell it is bothering him. I figure he's a big boy and will tell me when he can't handle it anymore. In the meantime, we can see where it goes. But I know what my goals are and they don't allow for a full time relationship right now. I also don't have the emotional resources to accomodate more than I do now. I don't see me catching up any time soon.
I'm a little conflicted as to what to do. Thoughts?
I think it best if you let him go. If you're not ready for someone with children and he is getting more and more attached - save him and yourself a lot of heartache. Yeah, it sucks but you're not ready for that level.
I applaud you for knowing yourself so well and sticking to your guns. I know this must be very hard for you and him. Why the heck do you have to be so doggone lovable?
Sounds like you know the deal, Choc: the handwriting's probably on the wall. Not now, and maybe not tomorrow. But at some point in the not too distant future it sounds like he's gonna want to turn up the heat and you clearly don't want that.
I'd say you should just enjoy it while it lasts, and hope that he doesn't try to kick things up a notch. But be prepared to bail if he does, 'cause at that point a conflict is going to emerge and the tension will be probably be impossible to defuse.
I've always been upfront about not wanting children--and women that HAVE children seem to think I'm a jerk for taking that position--but I don't want the "interruption", the...I don't know, competition?...for my time and attention.
I don't have kids with my current wife and I sure wouldn't want somebody else's
I've been dating this wonderful man for about 4-5 months now. We connect on just about every level, we have so much in common and we have had a great time.
Neither one of us wanted anything full time. We see each other once or twice a week when he is in town, he goes home, his life is his own and mine is mine. I was a little apprehensive at first because he has a child and I don't want to be with anyone with children, but that really wasn't a big deal since we weren't going full-steam with this.
He is becoming very attached; he wants more. My thinking is that the distance will make it impossible (he lives in another city, hours away), so nothing really has to change. I'm also monogamous by nature. While we are free to date other people, I don't like to date multiple men and he can find comfort in that. I have grown to care for him a great deal so things have progressed at a healthy pace there. Even with that, I'm not where he is.
I explained this to him and he understands, but I can tell it is bothering him. I figure he's a big boy and will tell me when he can't handle it anymore. In the meantime, we can see where it goes. But I know what my goals are and they don't allow for a full time relationship right now. I also don't have the emotional resources to accomodate more than I do now. I don't see me catching up any time soon.
I'm a little conflicted as to what to do. Thoughts?
This is a great example of how putting limitations on a relationship before it starts will rarely, if ever, work out they way one wants it to. There is no way to control what will happen when emotions get involved and it is futile to fight it.
What I bolded says it all. If you are decent, you will tell him that and cut your losses. Stringing him along will just result in him getting hurt and turning into another bitter, single guy. And goodness know we don't need that.
This is a great example of how putting limitations on a relationship before it starts will rarely, if ever, work out they way one wants it to. There is no way to control what will happen when emotions get involved and it is futile to fight it.
What I bolded says it all. If you are decent, you will tell him that and cut your losses. Stringing him along will just result in him getting hurt and turning into another bitter, single guy. And goodness know we don't need that.
I explained this to him and he understands, but I can tell it is bothering him. I figure he's a big boy and will tell me when he can't handle it anymore. In the meantime, we can see where it goes. But I know what my goals are and they don't allow for a full time relationship right now. I also don't have the emotional resources to accomodate more than I do now. I don't see me catching up any time soon.
I'm a little conflicted as to what to do. Thoughts?
If he were me, I'd think that there is the possibility that the relationship eventually could get more serious and that all I would have to do is wait and continue (for a lack of a better word) pressuring you until you gave me a greater committment. That pressure could be subtle, maybe a few words from time-to-time, or I could go a little more dramatic and start taking you on big vacations, buying you expensive stuff, or whatever with the hope that that would win you over.
I would not quit trying to win you. I don't think he will either. It will be bothering him every time he is with you because he'll be thinking about how he can't have all of you and you're standing right there. The solution is to take his goal (that's you) out of his awareness. That means ending the relationship.
If you're thinking that after his epiphany the relationship will be the same, I'd say no.
I know what he's going through. I had a similar situation. It only got better after the one I was 'with' started to minimize contact, conversations, and then, ultimately ignored me outright and I knew I had no chance. It was actually a relief because then I could move on. Conversely, and similar to your case, I had a friend tell me one time that she loved me. I told her it could not be and within a matter of days a 5 year friendship was over - we never spoke to each again and that was 10 years ago.
It was like a NASCAR race. Two cars running side-by-side and one car nudges too close and taps the other sending one or both of them into the wall (bad) or the infield (not so bad).
If he were me, I'd think that there is the possibility that the relationship eventually could get more serious and that all I would have to do is wait and continue (for a lack of a better word) pressuring you until you gave me a greater committment. That pressure could be subtle, maybe a few words from time-to-time, or I could go a little more dramatic and start taking you on big vacations, buying you expensive stuff, or whatever with the hope that that would win you over.
I would not quit trying to win you. I don't think he will either. It will be bothering him every time he is with you because he'll be thinking about how he can't have all of you and you're standing right there. The solution is to take his goal (that's you) out of his awareness. That means ending the relationship.
If you're thinking that after his epiphany the relationship will be the same, I'd say no.
Exactly what I was going to add to my post above this, but you said it all.
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