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if you're at the 4-5 month stage, you're at the sort of stage when a relationship would normally become more serious.
you're not ready for that, and you're also not ready to accept someone's children.
IMHO, it sounds like you are wasting each other's time.
you cannot control, or confine love, and setting limits in an attempt to do that will soon kill love off.
it does not matter what you agreed, people's feelings change. if his have changed, and yours haven't, then i sense trouble ahead if you were to continue.
personally i'd urge you to only continue the relationship if you are willing to accept it unconditionally, and to take it's natural progression.
if not, then i'd suggest it's not the right thing for you i'm afraid.
Having kept up since the beginning through your postings here, you have been very honest from the get go. You guys made rules to follow and now he's the one breaking them. I think men have a tendency to do this with women they are seeing. It's almost like the more you push them away, the faster they come at you.
I say stick to your guns and keep it going but be firm about how you originally talked about all of this and he knew the rules ahead of time.
If he persists, maybe it's time to take a break and regroup. Good luck!
She has said she doesn't want a kid--he has a kid. Cut and dried.
She has other posts that specifically indicate this isn't quite so cut and dried of a topic for her.
I think her description is that she can see herself in this situation but is not ready at this time.
My only advice is that since they are at a transition point of sorts, they will just have to communicate and see if they can work something out or come to the conclusion that they can't.
why even date someone with kids? I don't see why you would start any type relationship if they have that big no-no....not saying you're wrong, it's your life but he may think it's OK and it's not from what you're telling us here.
If he cares anything about his child, that child can become an issue. What if something happens to the mother of the child and he has to take custody? Children tend to be issues for life. I would wonder why a man with a child would pursue a relationship with someone who has made it very clear a child is a deal breaker. If he knew that from the start, you would think he would have backed off then.
If he cares anything about his child, that child can become an issue. What if something happens to the mother of the child and he has to take custody? Children tend to be issues for life. I would wonder why a man with a child would pursue a relationship with someone who has made it very clear a child is a deal breaker. If he knew that from the start, you would think he would have backed off then.
Entirely true, and another reason to draw me to the conclusion he may not have been completely honest.
We wuv ya PTC.
EDIT PTC, When you say "He wants more" could mean something different to each reader.
Last edited by virgode; 12-07-2009 at 09:57 AM..
Reason: comment
PTC, your situation reminds me of the circles I spun around in with the man I'm engaged to. He has a daughter who is now almost 15 - and from past posts in some threads, you may or may not have seen when I was dating that I was pretty firm on not wanting a man with a kid(s).
I had four reasons why I did not want to match his escalating seriousness - 1.) He was under 6'0. 2.) The kid issue. 3.) I wanted to play the field and find *everything* I wanted rolled into one, therefore, I did not want to extend myself emotionally - even though the chemistry was there and I enjoyed him. 4.) I was focused on my upward mobility whereas my career is concerned and did not want the distraction. It was all about me, me, me.
I kicked this man to the curb quite a few times and shot him down repeatedly in his attempts, he kept trying to claw his way back to the top and break through whether I was dating someone or not - and I made the extra effort to stay relatively unreceptive. This, too, was a long distance situation, opposite ends of the country except when he was in town staying here for business.
Thing is, in the end, matters of the heart cannot be treated like a business deal like I tried to do. Despite trying to work out a verbal contractual agreement, it will lose its course. Love and emotional affairs have no logic. The heart is not intelligent - the mind is. Either emotions will fizzle or they will escalate. It's a black and white situation, and despite what was agreed in the start - you cannot involve yourself with someone just to expect and arrange stagnancy, that is wholly impractical and unrealistic. Not a lecture, just things that I had to learn the hard way. Through my situation, I did not realize how selfish and self-absorbed that I really was being.
Whereas the child is concerned, you cannot ignore the fact that the child is part of the package. Neither can he. The child is not a pet. Not saying you think of it in terms of this, but I do understand the mindset you have on this and empathize with the conflicting feelings. It is a big decision. Write down on paper, two columns of the pros and cons that you feel about the kid thing - so you can physically SEE what the real issue is about it. I did, I was beyond surprised to see my results and what self-remodeling I had to undergo if I wanted to experience a fuller scale of living in my life. I was preventing my own happiness and freedoms - only to realize that I was staying aligned with my own selfishness and fears. I told my Fiance that I did not want a man with kids, so I cannot really say why men continue on knowing this. Evidently, he saw more in me than I saw in myself.
Bottom line - you may have to do some soul searching and take an in-depth personal inventory - you may have to let this man go to see what he really means to you. The proof will be in the separation. Keep in mind to find a man who loves you more than you love him, and respect it and cherish it when you have it. It sounds like this very well may be the case you have in front of you right now and do not even know it. She/He who cares the least, has the most power in the relationship. Tread this one carefully. Something within your own self is preventing you from being allowed to feel a fuller scale of love and emotion. Even more important than trying to figure out this relationship, you should entertain the thought of figuring that out first.
Take what you want from this and throw the rest out. . . good luck.
I've been dating this wonderful man for about 4-5 months now. We connect on just about every level, we have so much in common and we have had a great time.
Neither one of us wanted anything full time. We see each other once or twice a week when he is in town, he goes home, his life is his own and mine is mine. I was a little apprehensive at first because he has a child and I don't want to be with anyone with children, but that really wasn't a big deal since we weren't going full-steam with this.
He is becoming very attached; he wants more. My thinking is that the distance will make it impossible (he lives in another city, hours away), so nothing really has to change. I'm also monogamous by nature. While we are free to date other people, I don't like to date multiple men and he can find comfort in that. I have grown to care for him a great deal so things have progressed at a healthy pace there. Even with that, I'm not where he is.
I explained this to him and he understands, but I can tell it is bothering him. I figure he's a big boy and will tell me when he can't handle it anymore. In the meantime, we can see where it goes. But I know what my goals are and they don't allow for a full time relationship right now. I also don't have the emotional resources to accomodate more than I do now. I don't see me catching up any time soon.
I'm a little conflicted as to what to do. Thoughts?
I would simply carry on and wait and see what happens...
don't try and 2nd guess him....if you have questions for him, write them down...but by all means, do not listen to anyone else but him.
It sounds to me like you are both mature and responsible....so..just be upfront and honest with each other no matter how hard it might be to do.
And good luck...in the end, it all works out...for what is best for both of you...
Having kept up since the beginning through your postings here, you have been very honest from the get go. You guys made rules to follow and now he's the one breaking them. I think men have a tendency to do this with women they are seeing. It's almost like the more you push them away, the faster they come at you.
I say stick to your guns and keep it going but be firm about how you originally talked about all of this and he knew the rules ahead of time.
If he persists, maybe it's time to take a break and regroup. Good luck!
I think this is the point I was trying to make. He's already set a pattern for breaking the rules. So, now, why set more rules? To wait for him to break more and for things to get even more complicated?
He's already shown that he can't stick to the plan of taking it easy. He's already in too deep. Asking him to pull back now and expecting him to be able to do it - without getting hurt even more in the future - is cruel. Not to mention it's extremely selfish.
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