How do you convince a woman that not ALL guys are jerks? (date, married)
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I would've responded the same way if the genders were reversed to the question in this thread that then the female need not have to convince him.
You have painted me a certain way from way back IMO.
Unless you are a Braunwyn sock, which you aren't, then it's you who have painted yourself quite clearly. You're a gender basher. And if you seriously don't realize this, then that's even more disturbing. But, I'd have a hard time buying into such an extreme lack of self-awareness, so I don't.
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If you really knew me, "your tune" about me would change drastically for the positive.
So, your posts are not reflective of your attitudes/worldview? Can't buy into that either. You take passive/aggressive to a whole new level and it's transparent as all heck.
If she thinks all guys are jerks, and has had a series of bad experiences with men, maybe she should be analysing her pattern. Most often, people who always end up in borderline-abusive relationships is because those are the relationships they are looking for, whether they're aware of it or not. And why do they look for that? Maybe they don't think they deserve to be loved, maybe they want to end up being alone. Maybe who knows. I don't think that they are so willing to change their mind, generally speaking. They need awareness of their own motivations to really be able to control them, first and foremost.
If a woman is dead-set on thinking all men are jerks, it's no sense in trying to show her you're a good guy. She's set in her ways so keep it moving on her. You shouldn't have to pay for the transgressions of sorry men she's dated in the past, that's crazy. I don't understand why people feel the need to be superheroes to men or women. "Oh, she's been done wrong in the past so let me show her I'm not like the other men" CRAZINESS
You've been given SEVERAL pieces of GOOD advice in this thread.
While I understand that you've become attached (read "I dig and want to get somewhere with") to said woman, you can't MAKE it happen. It's as simple as you BEING a non-jerk, and either it falls on fertile ground or it doesn't.
The following have already been pointed out, but let's just make a list here to consider:
- She's off dating, due to a bad experience
- She has a HISTORY of dating men who turn out to be jerks; this means that either:
A) she has a TASTE for jerks and needs to examine her own patterns in order to break them, or...
B) you have to consider the alternative, which is several bad relationships, ONE common denominator -- her. She may just have a "he's a jerk" story for every man with whom it didn't work out so that SHE'S not the guilty party.
- If you do ANYTHING wrong she's likely, very likely, to revert to her "men-are-dogs" programming, in which case you're a jerk, too. And remember -- no one can avoid mistakes forever.
- I've met a few of various girlfriends' or wives' exes, and was surprised at what great guys some of them turned out to be. This may just be her MO.
- Last, but hardly least, she may just need time.
I have a feeling that last one is the one you're determined to focus on when it's the one you should likely be ignoring in lieu of the other things pointed out thus far. Every guy or gal has it when it comes to affections, thinking "I'm different, I can prove it." Often there's nothing to prove because it's not you, it's them.
Good luck to you.
thanks for your input.
Well, she says most guys she's dated in her lifetime are jerks/losers, but she doesn't actively seek out dates, since she is more old-school in her dating approach. She likes guys to approach her, not the other way around.
I actually asked her recently why she thinks she attracts jerks and she honestly does not know. I agree with you that maybe it is something she does subconsciously, but i don't want to pass this opportunity up.
If a woman is dead-set on thinking all men are jerks, it's no sense in trying to show her you're a good guy. She's set in her ways so keep it moving on her. You shouldn't have to pay for the transgressions of sorry men she's dated in the past, that's crazy. I don't understand why people feel the need to be superheroes to men or women. "Oh, she's been done wrong in the past so let me show her I'm not like the other men" CRAZINESS
Well, is it fair on non-jerk guys to tarred with the same brush? Even if one woman does not, and perhaps cannot, know all guys in the world?
I respect her a lot as a friend and as a person, but i think she is not doing herself any favours in shying away from dating for the time being, due to bad experiences in the past. It's not just that I like her now, but she says she feels lonely and wants somebody in her life, so it is she who is losing out in the end.
The same goes for men and women alike; don't think you have the power to convince anyone that you are a good person when they have already formed an opinion of you based on your plumbing. You are starting out in the red. Clawing your way up to the green is a taxing and meritless job. Be her friend, absolutely, but by no means should you invest your heart and soul in a person who doesn't have the neurons to accept men (or women) as individuals.
And, please don't listen to anyone who tells you to switch off from being nice to jerk just for strategy or contrast. When you lose respect for someone, let it be because that is what they have created for themselves.
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Originally Posted by samston
I respect her a lot as a friend and as a person, but i think she is not doing herself any favours in shying away from dating for the time being, due to bad experiences in the past. It's not just that I like her now, but she says she feels lonely and wants somebody in her life, so it is she who is losing out in the end.
She is losing out and that is her own doing. She would be doing the male population a huge favor by shying away from dating. Her loneliness isn't as important as the the pain she is going to bring upon others with this attitude she has towards men.
I think the OP should just work on the friendship end if he is really interested in this woman. He should give her time to get over the geologist and to see him-the OP as a good guy. Don't move to fast. U don't want to be the rebound guy. And if u r not prepared to wait it out give ur self some distance and just be a friend at a distance. She sounds like she is really going to take time and work. Are u up for that?
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