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You both gave each other an ultimatum. You asked him to move with you, just until your son got older. He asked you to move to Canada and marry him in a few months. Both of you are in a hard place right now but you both have to put your children first.
Would your kids be okay living with their dad's family and you visit often? It's a really hard choice for both of you. I think you should sit down and talk and try to figure it out. Good luck!
When I told him I would like to work here for a few months, he said I just lost my man.
This doesn't sound like a soulmate, this sounds like a control freak and a rather immature one at that. I'm sorry, but this to me is a HUGE red flag. I've been in a relationship with that sort of man and I would never, ever do it again.
Compromise is a funny word though. It takes two people to do that. It may not just be that he doesn't WANT to wait for you. Sometimes the desire to be with someone is so strong, it's easier to let them go than struggle with that everyday, not having any idea when the struggle will end.
This statement however, sounds to me like he's wanting to be the once calling the shots, but I don't know the full extent of what the two of you have been through. If you're waivering so much on it, maybe he's worried you'll keep dragging things out indefinitely?
You know I had to respond to this because, I really feel like I've tried everything I can try to make things work. I stayed with him this summer, tried to get a job in Canada, unfortunately you have to be a legal immigrant and resident and that takes months, which I was willing to do, but finanacially I cannot. He is retired from the military and can move anytime, anywhere he wants. He has been the one dragging on everything.
He has been basically single for 16 years before meeting me. He dated women, just no serious relationship. He gets attention from women all the time - so he feels he can just find someone else and things wont be so complicated.
I just find that someone who wanted to marry me and we have such a connection, why would he just want to give up on us and find someone else instead of keeping the one he has and just waiting for a short time. Its not like I wouldnt visit him, because ever since I've met him I have visited him every month. Of course he cant drive, so yeah, I have been the one making all the sacrifices.
You know I had to respond to this because, I really feel like I've tried everything I can try to make things work. I stayed with him this summer, tried to get a job in Canada, unfortunately you have to be a legal immigrant and resident and that takes months, which I was willing to do, but finanacially I cannot. He is retired from the military and can move anytime, anywhere he wants. He has been the one dragging on everything.
He has been basically single for 16 years before meeting me. He dated women, just no serious relationship. He gets attention from women all the time - so he feels he can just find someone else and things wont be so complicated.
I just find that someone who wanted to marry me and we have such a connection, why would he just want to give up on us and find someone else instead of keeping the one he has and just waiting for a short time. Its not like I wouldnt visit him, because ever since I've met him I have visited him every month. Of course he cant drive, so yeah, I have been the one making all the sacrifices.
I did say though that kids need both their parents IN their lives. Sometimes it's not possible for the parents to still be married to one another, but they must both continute to be available to their children in their daily lives if they want to give their kids the best chance of success as adults.
And they can't talk on the phone? Or chat or Skype online? Would you be demanding that Dad stay put?
So let me get this straight you are willing to lose the man you say you love because you don't want to be 11 hours away from your child who can come visit you and you can come visit? What I'm picking up that I think other have missed is that you established this relationship with your willingness to compromise. You told him that you are willing to move to Canada and you made arrangements for your child who doesn't want to live in Canada to live with his/her father.
It sounds like you are the one who is changing the plans. If you are getting married in the spring, you won't be out of work long and you'll have your own money. What's the problem? Why do you need to work now? He's probably wondering what else is going to change while you stay here. It's sounds to me like you've changed your mind about leaving and you want the few months not to work, but to make sure you are making the right move. But instead of saying that you are saying you want to work.
I can see why you would be hesitant: you have children and you don't want be to separated from them. Understandable, but you also went into this knowing he would not move and what you would need to do to be with him. he's isn't changing the plans, you are. I think if he KNEW you weren't backing out he would wait. But he probably thinks that after he waits you'll say you don't want to move and he'd rather not waste the time.
It was actually "our plan" for me to work, but yet when I came back to visit my kids and do just that - I was gone for 4 days and he is saying come back. He is on a limited income and he cannot support me financially. I have debts of my own I have to pay and my own father has been taking care of most of them for me for the past months, I just cannot keep allowing him to do so.
He has been telling me for a year he wanted to get married, but he has been putting it off. I know he is scared of commitment because he has been a single father for 16 years. There is no actual wedding date or plans, just he says this spring.
And they can't talk on the phone? Or chat or Skype online? Would you be demanding that Dad stay put?
Phone contact is better than nothing, but a poor substitute for mom actually being there in person to see the band concert, attend the soccer game, help with homework, generally NUTURE and take care of physically the child she brought into this world.
And yes, Dad should stay put too - a kid's best interests are served by having BOTH parents nearby (again, unless one or both is criminal, sociopathic, an abuser, etc) and this should be what all parents strive for.
You know I had to respond to this because, I really feel like I've tried everything I can try to make things work. I stayed with him this summer, tried to get a job in Canada, unfortunately you have to be a legal immigrant and resident and that takes months, which I was willing to do, but finanacially I cannot. He is retired from the military and can move anytime, anywhere he wants. He has been the one dragging on everything.
He has been basically single for 16 years before meeting me. He dated women, just no serious relationship. He gets attention from women all the time - so he feels he can just find someone else and things wont be so complicated.
I just find that someone who wanted to marry me and we have such a connection, why would he just want to give up on us and find someone else instead of keeping the one he has and just waiting for a short time. Its not like I wouldnt visit him, because ever since I've met him I have visited him every month. Of course he cant drive, so yeah, I have been the one making all the sacrifices.
Didn't you know about his lack of desire to move when you met? Is he unwilling to financially support you until you can get a job? His being former military explains a lot: they are so used to everything being just so and giving/receiving orders rather than asking it's an adjustment. (I have 4 cousins and a brother in the military).
The fact that you've set-up the relationship as though you are willing to work your life into his is another problem. He probably thinks that you are playing games. You were willing to be in his life until it was time to do it. Now that it's time, you are backing out.
Even if he's willing to help you financialy I would still get a job asap. Just in case it doesn't work out you aren't stuck.
Phone contact is better than nothing, but a poor substitute for mom actually being there in person to see the band concert, attend the soccer game, help with homework, generally NUTURE and take care of physically the child she brought into this world.
And yes, Dad should stay put too - a kid's best interests are served by having BOTH parents nearby (again, unless one or both is criminal, sociopathic, an abuser, etc) and this should be what all parents strive for.
Dads are just as capable of this as Mom is. Just because she gave birth she is required to have no dating life unless it can fit the child who is going to run off with the love of their life when they are old enough? You know Dad, is equally responsible for creating this life. He can step up and let Mom be with the new man.
btw if you read through the threads, being a 40yo divorcee isn't the first pick for the dating scene.
Parents are people are just as entitled to happiness as their children.
Of course he cant drive, so yeah, I have been the one making all the sacrifices.
How come?
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