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My kids are young teenagers and they are taking it fine, I am trying to keep them informed as to what is happening on a daily basis I am not telling them anything negative about their mother but they aren't blind either. The only questions they have is why hasn't mom called you,but when their mom has called and text them they won't call her back. They are confused and a bit angry with her about what is going on and I am trying to explain why she left and what I have done, they are going to go to dinner with her and hopefully she can explain better than I can. I am not going to do anything to make this situation worse I think I have done enough. Me and my kids are enjoying our time together and this is making our bond stronger than ever before they are very strong kids and they amaze me so much they have been my strongest supporters through this whole ordeal.
The more you write, the more I like you. It sounds like you are healing and growing in a very positive way. Most men in your position would have taken the opportunity to trash mom and make themselves to be the victim. But you have taken the high road and taken responsibility for your actions and let the kids make up their own mind about Mom.
My vote is officially good father. Keep up the good work.
she got an apartment and now she told me she wants the kids. After five weeks of not talking to them and now she wants tthe kids, okayh so she didn't have a place to take them but she could still talk to them any time she wanted to and she didn't. I don't know. I am not going to just give them up mainly because they do not want to go with her. I don't want this to get ugly but i just don't see any other way. she does not want to be civil about this.aghhhh. why does this hve to be this way.
I'm so sorry that she's putting you through this. I know that you realize that your actions have caused her to feel this way but since you are putting forth an effort to change, she could try to be civil. As far the kids, since they are teens they get to decide where they want to live. And if that's with you then she'll have to live with that. One thing you can do to make life easier if you can afford to take care of the kids, don't ask for child support. Ask her to pay half for things but not actual support unless you need it. She made her bed by not calling the kids, she has to lie in it.
Don't get in the middle, let them work it out. But do encourage them to have a positive relationship with her, but don't force the issue. Invite her over to visit with them while you are not there. That might help. Good Luck.
okay this is where I'm at now.... my wife and I are talking now after six weeks of seperation and so much has happened already. She is ready to talk to me now and we have agreed to try to work things out and figure out what the source of the problem is. the problem is that so much has happened already. She got an apartment, her own checking, her own phone account, I filed for divorce. Things were getting so out of control. We want to work this out but we are both afraid that neither one of us will change. She explained to me why she left and stayed away for so long and I really do understand her. I AM A JEALOUS PERSON!
i am a jealous person and she does not show ME affection, I am working on my jealousy and i want to get passed this because I care for her very much and I want her to be happy. I need to trust her with my heart and I want to give myself up and just stop trying so hard to get her attention I want to focus more on myself and get away from trying to always please her. the good thing is that we are talking now and are aware of the problem at hand and how serious. I am continuing to go to counseling and I do want help but I need to know how to approach this problem.
I can see where you're coming from, but I suspect that what the OP's wife is "putting him through" is nothing to what he's "put her through" with his controlling behaviour.
Imagine if it was SHE who'd posted up here, everyone would tell her to run, and keep running, but your post makes it seem she is somehow in the wrong ?
She did not "make her bed" by not contacting anyone, she was trying to get herself together so she could look at things rationally.
You would have to have been in that position to understand it fully.
While I understand the OP's wish to change, it's an admirable cause, and i wish him success, however, IMHO, the damage has been done, and it is unlikely she'll ever trust him again, and they will be unlikely to have a normal relationship.
I'm sorry OP, but you have to be prepared for that. You are closing the stable door when the horse is LONG gone
In this case, it's not about you trusting her, it's about her trusting you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CESpeed
I'm so sorry that she's putting you through this. I know that you realize that your actions have caused her to feel this way but since you are putting forth an effort to change, she could try to be civil. As far the kids, since they are teens they get to decide where they want to live. And if that's with you then she'll have to live with that. One thing you can do to make life easier if you can afford to take care of the kids, don't ask for child support. Ask her to pay half for things but not actual support unless you need it. She made her bed by not calling the kids, she has to lie in it.
Don't get in the middle, let them work it out. But do encourage them to have a positive relationship with her, but don't force the issue. Invite her over to visit with them while you are not there. That might help. Good Luck.
I can see where you're coming from, but I suspect that what the OP's wife is "putting him through" is nothing to what he's "put her through" with his controlling behaviour.
Imagine if it was SHE who'd posted up here, everyone would tell her to run, and keep running, but your post makes it seem she is somehow in the wrong ?
She did not "make her bed" by not contacting anyone, she was trying to get herself together so she could look at things rationally.
You would have to have been in that position to understand it fully.
While I understand the OP's wish to change, it's an admirable cause, and i wish him success, however, IMHO, the damage has been done, and it is unlikely she'll ever trust him again, and they will be unlikely to have a normal relationship.
I'm sorry OP, but you have to be prepared for that. You are closing the stable door when the horse is LONG gone
In this case, it's not about you trusting her, it's about her trusting you.
I disagree. Trust is a two-way street. Both parties have to be trust worthy and meet each other's needs. His controlling comes from insecurity: and his insecurity was increased everytime he saw her interacting eith other people the way he wanted her to interact with him. Now why she didn't do that, I don't know but I suspect it has become a catch 22.
Unfortunately in that case unless both people are willing to take a leap of faith; they'll going down the path to divorce.
she got an apartment and now she told me she wants the kids. After five weeks of not talking to them and now she wants tthe kids, okayh so she didn't have a place to take them but she could still talk to them any time she wanted to and she didn't. I don't know. I am not going to just give them up mainly because they do not want to go with her. I don't want this to get ugly but i just don't see any other way. she does not want to be civil about this.aghhhh. why does this hve to be this way.
You've got stones, I'll give ya that! You crap on this woman holding her prisoner for years, she takes time out to apartment hunt and get her financial affairs in order and texts the kids, is ready to roll in six weeks and you want to play the victim now???? After YOU created this sick situation?? Sorry, was she supposed to magically get a suitable apartment at the drop of a hat for your children? You hawked and stalked her every move and she was supposed to assume you weren't going to lose your mind and escalate the abuse if she announced she was leaving? Give me a break! It's this playing the victim crap that got you here.
He's not playing victim. He has admitted that his wife leaving is beause of HIS actions. He has also said that he is in therapy getting help for his behavior. He also said that he doesn't blame his wife for leaving. But he is hopeful that if he gets his act together, they can work it out, but he know it's highly unlikely.
As far as the kids, since he is the one who had to live with the hurt and tears of children who have been abandoned by their mother, he does get to play victim. Especially when she doesn't bother to call the KIDS for six weeks. (And yes he told them it was his fault she left).
He didn't hold her prisoner but he did make life extremely uncomfortable, but there is NO excuse on this planet for abandoning your children. If life is miserable and unbearable for you, what makes you think it's better for them? I know my mother would have NEVER left us; and she most certainly would not have disappeared for six weeks. If she didn't want to talk to him, she could have gone to their school and talked to them or called. She could have had a relative or friend call and put her on the phone when the kids took the call.
So yes in this case he gets to play victim and if he hadn't taken responsibility for his actions and for her leaving, I wouldn't defend him. Yes she was right to leave, but she should have taken the kids or made an effort to contact them, he had nothing to do with that. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes, correct them and move on with life. He's trying to do that.
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Give me a break! It's this playing the victim crap that got you here.
