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she has been with me after she graduated high school. she has been going off and on with me for 4 years. between him and me. she has dated alot of other in between. she finally said at 22 she wanted to settle down and get married.
she had her own apartment at 20 and has lived the bar scene/ party life I guess you can say. she says when she's not with me all she does is think of me. but when shes without him all she can think about is him. I can understand the growing up thing. Ive only had 3 real girlfriends in my life including my wife. and I dont have a hard time " growing up" what is it with me then? I want children and a long marriage,and im 23 years old. I dont get it.
Jamesrchris, I know you read my earlier post. Based on that, the emotional cheating is more stressing that the physical cheating. But, let me state beforehand, if my wife did either our relationship would end, especially the emotional cheating. Emotionally is like a toxin, look what its doing to you. She's obviously having an emotional affair while your posting your concerns to this website. As an outsider, its really easy for me to say but I mean it, drop her especially after counseling fails. Don't have children until this is figured out!!!
One more point: The first yearS of marriage are very complicated, because during this time you're technically figuring each other out. For example, my wife and I butted heads several times on chores, "I take out the trash this way, I wash clothes like this." These are short cheesy examples but do apply to what I call "life tasks." This time frame is very important because your agreeing to a course of action on your life tasks, becoming a team. It's your family stamp. Your situation is complicated with this emotional rollar coaster while your suppose to be working through life tasks.
Emotional affairs by someone you love hurt to the core. They destroy your trust, your freindship, your respect for the other person. Regardless of what happens, counseling, ending the affair,etc., will you ever fully trust your wife?
Will you forever live with the question of whether the affair is over? Looks like the only thing your wife is waiting for is a confirmation from her old boyfriend that he will be hers and she will be gone in a hot minute. If you love her as much as you believe that you do, let her go to be free to do whatever she chooses. You appear to be a good person who does not deserve and should not accept such treament.
Jamesrchris, I know you read my earlier post. Based on that, the emotional cheating is more stressing that the physical cheating. But, let me state beforehand, if my wife did either our relationship would end, especially the emotional cheating. Emotionally is like a toxin, look what its doing to you. She's obviously having an emotional affair while your posting your concerns to this website. As an outsider, its really easy for me to say but I mean it, drop her especially after counseling fails. Don't have children until this is figured out!!!
Agreed, having children with this girl is the LAST thing he should do, for years, if ever.
He is confused right now and can't see the forest for the trees, but I'm hoping if he seeks advice from those closest to him with real wisdom to offer, that he'll realize he has to take a stand immediately.
I love my wife very much. she says she wants a family, but after this sometimes im scared to have one with her. because I dont know whats going to happen next. I thought when she was 18 she would be like this. but I figured when she is 23 she should be more mature..... but thats not the case at all.
It kills me to even think divorce. I dont want one and she says she dosent want one either, I just am lost for words. It's very hurtful and I have a stomach ache because of it. I hate feeling this way. I just want a happy ending.
I wouldn't recommend to bring a child into this world under these circumstances. Your marriage is still unstable. You said you were together for 5 years and you are now both 23. That means that you started this relationship at the age of 18. That's really young.
Seems like your wife wasn't ready for this commitment and she may feel she didn't play the fields enough, thus the feelings for an ex-boyfriend are coming alive.
You guys need some serious counseling, otherwise I can forsee divorce in a horizon.
she has been with me after she graduated high school. she has been going off and on with me for 4 years. between him and me. she has dated alot of other in between. she finally said at 22 she wanted to settle down and get married.
she had her own apartment at 20 and has lived the bar scene/ party life I guess you can say. she says when she's not with me all she does is think of me. but when shes without him all she can think about is him. I can understand the growing up thing. Ive only had 3 real girlfriends in my life including my wife. and I dont have a hard time " growing up" what is it with me then? I want children and a long marriage,and im 23 years old. I dont get it.
What's not to get? The answer to this one is about as obvious as any. This girl is a train wreck and she's dragging you along with her.
Btw, from what you explained in the bolded words above, she has the perfect potential to be a cheater, and with your naive mentality, you have the workings of being the played without even knowing/caring.
So, this girl may be with you for life, but unfortunately it may only be a disease she's given you.
Well I don't mean to be down, but this isn't going to end with the sun setting in the west, with and a happy ending. Marriage isn't a happy ending where you both get gray and rest in rockers on the porch watching life pass by.
All to many marriages fail for being too young to begin with. You might be a wise country boy with a fickel city girl, who hasn't figured out what she wants, and there is no stopping what she wants anymore than you can be stopped from making your way in life.
There is no guaranty in life, just hope. it is pretty clear she hasn't settled down and if she did say so that she didn't mean it.....yet.
I was caught up in that idea, and after a child was born, and 10 years of marriage. I can assure that ending isn't any fun at all.
If I were you, I would get an anullement, and let her go, make make her go, and then see what time does. Adding a child to this mix will be much harder to deal with an the both of you will be trapped. I married first at 26, my son was born just after I turned 28. The last 3 years my now x dated openly, while I worked 3 jobs!
One day I just got sick of her, and all the work I was doing being wasted on cherry coffee tables i didn't see, matching curtains i didn't see, and had no need of, and I just left her. My biggest mistake was leaving, as i should have told her to pack it up and go live where ever she wanted, and kept my son.
Trying to be a nice guy the next 12 years were living hell with feeding her lawyers.
Once the lawyers dig in their claws you will be doomed. it won't matter she says what she wants, the lawyers will feed her with information that will eat you alive.
My x agreed to amical terms at first, but that ended with the first of 3 lawyers. The greed took hold and I was a victim to it all and for doing nothing. Sometimes doing nothing isn't a good thing. All 3 of those lawyers evenutally were held in comtempt of court, 2 were fired by my x for failing and the 3rd was soon to be, but whhen my son was 22 my x made her last court error, and I was released from the depth of hell. 12 years in hell is a ong time.
You are just old hat.... I hate to say it, but she has taken you for granted, and wants to play still.
My 2nd wife one day decided she wanted to marry, and we had lived 5 years as a couple. I heard that news and went for a 10 day hike, to think. I came back and told her I like things as they were. She insisted nothing else would change, and after more days I finally agreed.
The test came sooner than I expected. not like yours, but my wife began to attend a church. They gave her some ideas I didn't agree with, and I didn't go, or want to go to that church. A day came never the less, that 3 men from there came to my home, and began to interrogate me about what I belived.
That did it, and they were told in not so polite terms to get out NOW, and I told my 2nd wife she could go with them if she wanted. She chose to stay.
My 2nd wife knows I am a rock, and once I decide what it will be for me, it just is.
She knows she is as free to go today as she was before we were married. She knows I could care aless about what others think, and still she stays. Why I would have to say she learned to define what is of value to her as well, by the way I live and have. She is 11 years younger than me, so I have some expericence she hasn't got yet.
I know not many women would put up with me, and I can't be bothered by that either. The comment a man should do dishes is ridiculous to me(from another thread). If this is so, my wife can go fix her own car any time she wants, and cut fire wood with her own chainsaw too.
I love my wife, but we agree to terms, that alot of others might not. I treat her well and she does me back. Every day we laugh and joke around, and do team work when we can. She helps me gather maple sap these days, but she doesn't lift the pan off the hot fire either. There are things I do just for her, that she can't do, and she does things for me I can't do, so it all works.
You can't be another guy, and you can't be a hero if you are old hat.
Your wife dreams of this other guy, and at the same time she releases endorphines, which is the same as taking a happy drug. There is no way you can compete with that. There is no way you can make her stop either. If she changes, it must be her doing the changing... There is no choice there for you, no demands, you have 0 controll. It is the same for me too. I can not force my wife to think in any way, with any controll on my part. I can only react.
If your wife should want to stay then it is her who needs to change. She must want to stay by what ever criteria she creates. I am truely sorry to tell you these things, but my bet is life will prove out these words sooner than later.
Your wife can't help but grow, and as she does she will change. Whether or not this includes you is up to her, wedding papers or no wedding papers. It is life.
My wife I have been with for 5 years and I are fighting alot. Ive only been married to her for 1 year. over the time she will say "she needs to find herself" and she needs wants to leave me. I recentley found out that she still talks to her former first love bf she had for 4 years.
she says she still loves him and has feelings for him. and he always texts her and she use to lie about it. but now she came clean and told me she loved him. she always goes back and fourth between the two of us. but now she is married to me. she dosent want a divorce nor do I. we are both 23. this man lives in another state. but it still bothers the heck out of me. I thought once we were married that would be the end of him. but it's not. I dont know what to do. we have a house, no kids... I love my wife very much. but this is very tough to hear her say she loves another man. What do you guys think is going on here?
Sorry, dude! Your wife is setting herself up for an affair. You guys need some counseling. And soon. She thinks she made a mistake with you. She thinks, she should've married him. Unforunately, if he wanted to marry her -- he would have. Once they hook up, she'll realize he's still a loser. She'll come back to you. After that, do you still want her back??
I'm sorry that your wife is being like this, but I always have to wonder if there was warning signs before the marriage than why did you go through with it? You say you thought a wedding would change everything (she would stop talking to her ex & mature). A piece of paper cannot change someone. Personally, I think it's impossible to be in love with more than one person at a time. I believe the only way you will find a happy ending is to make one with someone else. Your wife has not been true to you and now you two will never have the trust two married people should have. Get out while you're still young before you waste more time on a woman who is in love with someone else. That is the worst crime in a relationship.
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