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My husband and I have been married almost 6 years. We have a 1 year old and a 3 year old. I am a stay at home mom and my husband is a teacher here in Georiga. Needless to say, things are very tight with our budget. We don't have cell phones, our cars are paid off, and we never eat out or do anything "entertainment" wise. The budget is cut to the bone. Teachers are being laid off right and left here and our pay has been cut by around 6% this year.
Here's the problem:
Back in September, my husband's father called him and wanted to borrow money. We had also been getting calls from bill collectors looking for him. This man was a dentist for his entire career and he retired 2 years ago. He is remarried and his wife works. Her 30 something year old daughter also lives there and works. Father in law was also getting social security.
So FIL tells my husband that he has had to go back to work and bought a different dental practice. He needs cash to get him through until things pick up. He promises to pay us back in October 2009. He wants $5,000.
My husband says he wants to give his father the money because "I want my dad to have some chance at success". Meanwhile, I'm not feeling good about it because it would come out of our "emergency" fund, which is ALL the money we have to our names. $20,000 is what we have to use if my husband loses his job, and that is what we are using to try and build a nest egg for college, retirement, etc. $5,000 is 24% of our life savings gone. So my husband is upset because I didn't say "Yeah, great! Give your dad the money. No problem!" He said he would be disappointed with me if I didn't agree. He said "if it were your parents, I would loan them the money, no problem!" (I said I would NOT, and in fact, would tell my parents to ask my brother, who is single, makes more than double what we do, and has a lot of money in the bank)
Ok, so I think FIL is putting us in a terrible bind asking for this money. It would be one thing if my husband was single or whatever. But this involves me and our kids. The other thing that bothers me is my husband has 2 sisters. Both make way more than double what we make, have SECURE jobs, etc. (My husband's job could very well be cut this May & even if not, we are facing a 15% pay cut!)
Yet my husband refuses to even talk to his sisters about their father's financial troubles. He said everything has always been "top secret" with his dad since childhood.
Obviously, my husband is very confident that his father will pay the money back. He doesn't understand that we need that money; thinks we have plenty, etc.
So my problem is that issue has caused me to feel very unhappy. My husband basically forced me to agree to "loan" the money. I figured I better just suck it up to try and keep the marriage intact, but the way he handled it makes me angry and I feel like I am not a true partner.
Well, fast forward and here we are in March. Money has not been paid back. Now my FIL won't even return my husband's phone calls. My husband is very upset with his father and says it looks like he doesn't intend to pay us back. (duh...)
I feel that my husband was WRONG to guilt me into loaning the money. I felt like I had no say in the matter, and if I didn't do it, my husband would resent me.
Am I over-reacting???
You cannot undo the past. Forget about it and move on. Holding this over your husband's head will only cause hard feelings and unhappiness between you. Consider it a lesson learned and forget it happened.
Going to the original post. This would be a deal breaker for me and would require some serious marriage counseling.
This may be off topic, but every woman, regardless if they have children or not, needs to have a job or have some means of being self supporting. It's all well and good being a stay at home mom and I am not knocking those who do but please be a little more creative in carving out a way to be self sufficient without relying on a husband's income.
Going to the original post. This would be a deal breaker for me and would require some serious marriage counseling.
This may be off topic, but every woman, regardless if they have children or not, needs to have a job or have some means of being self supporting. It's all well and good being a stay at home mom and I am not knocking those who do but please be a little more creative in carving out a way to be self sufficient without relying on a husband's income.
Seriously? Five grand lent to one's parent is enough to send you to a marriage counselor? That's an awfully itchy trigger finger you have there.
However, I agree with you on the issue of having a marketable skill. I know too many women who had no means of supporting themselves after the marriage
If you love your husband and he is a good man, then you really need to let this go. I'm sure he feels bad enough already knowing that he was wrong in his decision AND with his dad turning out to be a complete jerk. This is a very hard lesson for him to learn and a big mistake for him to make. You do have a right to be upset but is your marriage worth so little that 5,000 will break it up? I understand things are tight and will continue to be but that's the sacrifice many sahms make. You were able to build a 20k savings which is impressive on a tight budget. Now if he tries to lend money to his dad again, go ahead and remind him how this didn't work out BUT don't bring it up anymore unless that happens!
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson
You cannot undo the past. Forget about it and move on. Holding this over your husband's head will only cause hard feelings and unhappiness between you. Consider it a lesson learned and forget it happened.
20yrsinBranson
I agree with the above. You do have a right to be upset, but chalking this up to a hard lesson learned for your hubbby and moving on is the best choice, I think.
I have made it a practice to never loan money that I need. Loan only the money you could afford to give away. If you loan the money to a relative or even a friend, it could ruin the relationship. I think you have a right to be upset with your husband, I think you should have made it very clear to him that you do not want to loan money to anyone. Because you are a 'stay at home Mom' does not mean you have no say so in your financial situation. You do your share if you are taking care of two kids. Have you thought of doing some babysitting on the side and saving the money you make? Sounds to me like this isn't the last time your husband is going to disappoint you. Maybe it is time for you to do some planning. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
Yes, you are terribly wrong on this and your behavior is totally unacceptable and imappropriate! I know my answer will upset a lot of people here.
This is not loaning money to nobody. It's his dad! No matter of what, your FIL is his dad! If it were your dad, would you be so upset? Instead of being supportive, you being overreacting and not understanding puts a tremendous pressure on your hus, the only breadwinner at home.
Please remember how your parents loved you and cared for you!!!
I totally understand where the OP is coming from, but in the situation it would have been impossible not to go along with ur husband. Your husband is the bread winner and even though in marriage the money is for the family, in reality "he who has the gold rules." Staying at home with the children is a huge asset to your kids and a wonderful contribution to ur family, but earning money is powerful in the marriage partnership and it gives ur voice weight. I know this is not a hard fast rule, but there is merit to it. I think the OP was wise to look at the big picture and now must be careful not to allow resentment to have a negative impact on her relationship with her husband. It sounds like the husband will learn an expensive lesson. Women r usually right...(LOL) But, we all have to suck it up sometimes. Okay way too often. I came from a family with a tradition of women being full time in-home caregivers. I was told at an early age to go to school because u need ur own money even if u r married. I didn't understand until I was in a situation... Now I have friends with careers and families and friends whose career is their families- and money is an issue in both situations sometimes. However, the career girls are empowered and do not have to suffer through some of the things as my other friends. I hope the father in law will do the right thing and everything will peaceful.
To answer why I don't run out and get a job: (1) my husband is very, very opposed to day care for our kids (2) my former job was as a teacher and teachers are getting cut by the hundreds in our county alone. There are NO jobs for me that would pay enough to have something left over after daycare, which would be around $1,000/ month for both kids (not yet school aged). My husband says that if things get really bad, he will get a 2nd job in addition to his teaching job.
Next answer: It's more complicated than I let on. Our $20,000 "life savings" was actually a gift from my parents. YES, I realize that the second we accepted it, it became "ours" and not "my parent's money". But the fact is, that is ALL we have. Times are tough these days and my husband's teaching job is definately at risk for layoff in May. Best case would be a 15% pay cut. Of course, my husband is in denial and thinks we are fine and thus can afford to loan his dad the money. After all, he was SURE his dad would pay us back.
In fact, my husband now says he thinks his dad is avoiding his phone calls until he has the money to pay us back. My husband called him and left messages, e-mailed him, and also called his wife's cell phone. The last time they spoke, my husband told him we really need the money.
Next answer: I would love to find out what the real issue is with my FIL so we could HELP him & get him back on track! So would my husband. We are both great with that kind of thing. Unfortunately, like I said, it is TOP SECRET for some reason. My FIL won't even tell my husband what the problem is. My husband refuses to talk to his sisters and tell them how bad off their dad is. (and they live right near him - we are 14 hours away) I don't think he has an addiction. We were just there a few months ago. He does smoke like a chimney but that's it. In fact, he doesn't drink.
So I'm upset that WE were put in this position, that we can't even get the real story, and that my husband's two sisters were not even asked to help! (and like I said, they both make way more money than we do, and their jobs are very secure, unlike ours) They are buying big screen TVs and going on international trips while we eat all meals at home & buy used clothes for the kids.
The fact is he retired 2 years ago! He has been sitting around all that time watching his finances deteriorate, and only takes action at the last second. That's why I didn't want to loan him the money. He has a demonstrated track record of recklessness and he won't give my husband any information at all about the background here!
That said, at least my husband says we won't be able to loan him any more money, even if he has to lose his house or something. We just don't have it. (and if he had called us a few months after he did, my husband would have told him we didn't have it because our finances got tigher after the 9% pay cut we took all of the sudden.
I guess I woudn't be bothered so much if things were out in the open and his sisters were helping him also. The only things we can think might have caused this are (1) some kind of DUI thing with the 30 year old step daughter who still lives there (she's a real mess and her mother doesn't try to get her any help for her drinking) or (2) lost his money in some kind of investment scam (my husband and his father are very guilable like that based on my first hand experience. I still remember the day my husband really thought he won a foreign lottery when he got some scam e-mail. LOL
Last edited by MovedfromFL; 03-25-2010 at 11:59 AM..
Thats why being single is better then marriage. The OP has made a right mess out of something that really shouldn't have happened: the relationship.
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Am I wrong to be upset...
