Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I bust my arse every day and I know dinner is ready when I get home. When my wife goes back to work next school year things will change. But as of right now, we do it the way it is supposed to be done. I make the dough, I fix the house, she cleans it and does the little knick nacks and nurses our child. I thank god, literally, every sunday, that I was able to find a woman, that actually wants to be a woman!
General contracting for a single house is not a lot of work. As a Jute I was in the business. If she is doing some of the work, than yes, that is a job.
I don't know what a Jute is. I'm sure for seasoned contractors doing a single home would be a breeze, but for a first timer (assuming she was, I don't know) that can be a lot of work. There's a learning curve like with anything else. I've only done my kitchen, but I found I had to spend a lot of time just learning about materials, cost comparisons for everything, electrical work, plumbing, etc. Quite a bit of time was spent finding labor to do the stuff I couldn't. I imagine it's different just hiring a company and having them go at it, but if she indeed played the role of general contractor, that sounds like a different story.
Well I do almost everything in the house. We have maids come once every other week and they clean the bathrooms, sweep, vacuum and dust, so I really don't even have to do that much, but it's a really big house so I don't mind the bi-monthly help.
He works 70-80 hours a week and I work about 25-30. When I didn't work we didn't have the maids coming.
I do almost all the cooking too. Once in awhile he'll help me with the dishes.
My husband and I use to work full time until he lost his job, we had to move and then I had to quit my job. Since then, I have sacrificed getting a job and stayed home for the past year to renovate our entire home. I am the contractor.
My husband in the past couple of years has stopped doing EVERYTHING. What I mean by that, is he works and that's it. I do grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, errands of any kind, doctors appts, cleaning the cat box, as well as cleaning up after him. You name it, I do it. If he makes a sandwich, I clean it up. Get the picture?
I plan on heading back to work when the renovations are done.
So, since I have never been in a traditional role type relationship, is this normal?
You and your husband might have different opinions about how different contributions measure up. Your husband might believe that his paycheck is the more important contribution, because it pays for the roof over your head, the food on your table, etc. You might believe that your contribution is more important, because you do your job (as housewife/contractor) all the time, including evenings and weekends when your husband is not working. You have also sacrificed your career to stay at home, and you seem to feel taken for granted.
Both of these perspectives are valid. It sounds like you don't like your job and can't wait to get back into the corporate world, perhaps with a brand-new set of breasts. (I saw your other thread.) Whenever people don't like their job, it's common to start resenting it and wanting to do it less and less. The slights you perceive (your husband's leaving a mess after making a sandwich) are magnified by these feelings, and perhaps things you should also notice (your husband may be working a job HE dislikes, knowing he cannot quit because then you'd have no income) are being overlooked.
The two of you are going to have to recognize the other's perspective and work together, not against one another. A counselor might help, but they are expensive and sometimes useless. The two of you can probably work this out yourselves, but you have to start from a feeling of cooperation.
Actually, there is nothing I want to hear per say, I really don't know if this is normal or not. I worked my entire life and was in relationships but everything was shared. My ex-husband was a great cook, did his own laundry and cleaned up after himself so this is the first time I have come across this.
I don't talk to my husband on a lot of topics because its hard for him to have an adult conversation without it escalating or him getting defensive. I don't like to upset the apple cart if I don't need to....
A man leaves a hotel in New York and hails a cab. Just as a cab pulls up and he hops in, the skies open and a deluge drowns the street.
"Wow," the man says, "That was lucky!"
"Yep," replies the cabbie, checking his mirrors and pulling out into traffic, "That's the kind of thing that would have happened to Sheldon."
"Who?" asks the passenger.
"Sheldon Berenstein, the greatest man who ever lived," the cabbie tells him, gaze flicking up to the rearview mirror as he makes his way through the streets. "Everything went right for Sheldon, he was perfect."
"Nobody is perfect," the passenger says. "Everyone has some difficulty in their life."
"Not Sheldon," the cabbie responds resolutely. "Sheldon was perfect. He was the kind of guy everyone wants to know. Sheldon had manners, Sheldon was suave -- he had the looks of Cary Grant, could dance like Fred Astaire and had the charm of Errol Flynn. Sheldon could wine and dine with the best of them."
"Sounds like quite a guy," the passenger remarked.
"Oh, he was. Sheldon held down an amazing job with a magnificent salary and he knew how to manage his money. He owned a great house and somehow he could always take his family and friends to nice places. And he just knew things, Sheldon did. He could fix anything around the house, could fix anything under the hood of a car -- for Sheldon life was just a stroll in the park. That's the kind of guy he was!"
"Wow," the passenger said, awe-struck. "I can see why you'd remember a guy like that all your life."
"Oh, I never knew Sheldon myself," said the cabbie, turning into the destination address.
It doesn't relinquish the man from helping out in the house, no it doesn't.
Although I do have to say that it depends on how much a man works, if he works 60-70 hours a week, than maybe he is just too tired, physically and emotionally. However, if he only works 40 hours a week, he can still help out a little bit, even if it is just hanging his clothes away and cleaning up after his own self.
OP, from this, and your other thread(s?) I'm gonna take a stab at something here.
You guys have been together for years, right ?
In that time, you have probably both changed. Your worldview is different, your dreams and expectations are different.
Hell, every morning I wake up, I'm a different person than the night before.
What strikes me is that you guys don't have what would be described as a bad relationship.
It seems you love each other, and are settled with each other, and are relatively content.
However, you're still using the same goalposts as you were when you first got together.
Sounds to me that what you two need to do is open some negotiations, and set some new ground rules in your relationship, taking into account the fact that both of you have changed.
Lines of attack, defence, and neutral ground may need to be moved a little to ensure the continuation of peace.
Think of it in political terms as "border negotiations".
To specifically answer the question in this thread, there is no specific answer.
my dad works hard, and does nothing when he comes home. She cooks, cleans, shops, decorates, tends the garden, everything.
That's the way it's always been with them, and they're happy with it.
If I tried that with my G/f, I'd expect pain.
we have a different arrangement, first one in cooks, first one to leave work gets any shopping.
I decorate because she can't, but she picks the colour scheme, because I'm a man.
In short, it depends on the relationship.
if you're not happy, tell him. He may not know. Don't tell us, we can't change it ?
I'm a stay home spouse because of the economy. We have one school aged child. I do 95% of the chores in the house. Sometimes my husband will do the laundry (if it's a lot and we have to go to the town laundromat). Otherwise I do it. I hang up 100% of it. I do 99% of the ironing/cleaning/cooking.
Sometime he gets a bee in his bonnet about 'the mess' and will deep clean the bathroom or kitchen.
He walks the dog more than I do. I do the homework with our son.
When I worked, I still think I did 70% of the chores. He does more running around (picking up things at the store type errands) but I do the majority of the housework.
Sometimes it's a bit draining and boring. Like right now, I have caught the virus my son had last week and my husband also has it. He has to go to work (nights) so he can opt to sleep in late. I can't (I drive our son to school). If I don't clear up the work will pile up (dishes, ironing, vacuuming). If I sit down (like yesterday) he was asking why I was laying around.
He kept saying, "We can't sit around being ill." He also kept complaining we needed more groceries. (He went on Friday)--normally we all go as a family once a week.
This morning (after a bad night) I got up, took my son to school, and felt okay enough to pick up the things he missed last week. I got home, walked the dog, had a drink and now I am zoning out.
If you can divide the chores fairly, good luck. If you don't work for $$ you normally do more of the housework...
My husband and I use to work full time until he lost his job, we had to move and then I had to quit my job. Since then, I have sacrificed getting a job and stayed home for the past year to renovate our entire home. I am the contractor.
My husband in the past couple of years has stopped doing EVERYTHING. What I mean by that, is he works and that's it. I do grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning, errands of any kind, doctors appts, cleaning the cat box, as well as cleaning up after him. You name it, I do it. If he makes a sandwich, I clean it up. Get the picture?
I plan on heading back to work when the renovations are done.
So, since I have never been in a traditional role type relationship, is this normal?
Yes, I think pretty much. Thats the way I remember it growing up. Perhaps thats why a lot of women are opting out of the traditional role.
When you worked or when you go back to work do you intend to do nothing as he is doing now? Who will clean up the sandwich mess then?
I do feel whoever stays home or is at work less should pick up a larger share of the hh chores, but I draw the line at picking up after a grown person like they are a helpless child.
I will say he should clean up after himself and take care of his personal responsibilities.
If I were working full time, paying for everything including my wife's personal spending money, and we did not have children, I think the majority of household responsibility should be hers.
I would not leave dishes and clothing around and i would cut the yard and take care of the cars and handyman stuff... everything else she should be able to do with no problem.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
