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I've tried to have relationships with guys like this but I figured out that our values were waaaay too different. I couldn't give them the empathy they needed and the indulgence they wanted. So, for me, it didn't work. I don't waste my energy on bs in my life and won't waste it on bs in a boyfriends life.
he hasnt had the same experiences you've had. if you want someone just like you, then ok, dont marry him. but if you truly love him, you need to think about this.
recite the traditional wedding vows in your head. if there is any one that you cannot truly agree with, then dont get married.
Well, typically you would think your personality could calm him down or make see the bigger picture and not sweat the small stuff. While it sounds like the perfect opposites attract scenario, nothing could be worse for a relationship if you are not willing to compromise or accept him for who he is. It will continue to grate on your last nerve until you blow up at him.
So, what I would suggest it to stake stock in your relationship, does the good outweigh the bad, is he a good person, can you see yourself married to him? If you are hesitant in the least, do not get married. Too often people go into marriages thinking they can change a person's behavior....it never works. Right now you have the opportunity to decide what's best for you with the least amount of casualty. Don't wait until you are married, have kids, etc. to decide you can't put up with is behavior.
I think it's normal to sometimes not be able to relate to an SO. After all, if you didn't live their life, then you really can't know where they're coming from.
I think musicians can sometimes be a bit precious, regardless of their background. They want things 'just so' and they want 'em that way NOW. As others have said, this probably won't change.
My SO and I have similar backgrounds to you and your fiance, he hasn't even lost a parent yet. He believes though, that adversity makes someone stronger, and often expresses a wish that he'd had some kind of life experience during childhood that would do just that.
While I sometimes envy his smooth (ish) childhood, we can't change that, and have to make the best of who we are now. We're not kids anymore, and have the capacity to sweat over stuff, or alternatively calm down a little.
Your guy sounds like he needs a feather-smoother and hand-patter rather than a fiance.
I think you should be a little more considerate with your approach towards him. He is coming to you, trying to discuss his feelings about the lows in his life - as the women in his life you gotta support him in everything he wants to persue. Compliment him if he doesn't feel good enough. Its up to you as the women to be an emotional support network to him. You have to stress less and find ways to make your partner feel better by cutting back your personal opinion and focusing on achieving the goal in discussion.
All couples have these kind of problems. To me, this relationship issue isnt a deal breaker. If small things like this are gonna get to you how are you going to deal with the difficulties of marriage? Show him that your capable of looking after him by providing emotional support and encouragment.
I think you should be a little more considerate with your approach towards him. He is coming to you, trying to discuss his feelings about the lows in his life - as the women in his life you gotta support him in everything he wants to persue. Compliment him if he doesn't feel good enough. Its up to you as the women to be an emotional support network to him. You have to stress less and find ways to make your partner feel better by cutting back your personal opinion and focusing on achieving the goal in discussion.
All couples have these kind of problems. To me, this relationship issue isnt a deal breaker. If small things like this are gonna get to you how are you going to deal with the difficulties of marriage? Show him that your capable of looking after him by providing emotional support and encouragment.
I thought she was going to marry him not adopt him.
But that is another aspect of his personality, of who he is. We often outgrow that at some point but my concern is if you have to ask if you should marry, you probably shouldn't. There shouldn't be this much doubt. But, on the other hand, I don't think one has to be able to relate to another's situation in order to be understanding, compassionate, supportive and patient.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brenda_1988
I think you should be a little more considerate with your approach towards him. He is coming to you, trying to discuss his feelings about the lows in his life - as the women in his life you gotta support him in everything he wants to persue. Compliment him if he doesn't feel good enough. Its up to you as the women to be an emotional support network to him. You have to stress less and find ways to make your partner feel better by cutting back your personal opinion and focusing on achieving the goal in discussion.
All couples have these kind of problems. To me, this relationship issue isnt a deal breaker. If small things like this are gonna get to you how are you going to deal with the difficulties of marriage? Show him that your capable of looking after him by providing emotional support and encouragment.
I have really tried to be encouraging and supportive, but it's so frustrating when nothing helps him out of his bad mood.
For example, regarding the stickers he was worried wouldn't be printed in time to hand out at this big festival where he's playing, I tried to cover all the bases with him.
We discussed how he's a good musician if the promoter is willing to hire him, how he's ahead of a lot of his friends in terms of music production, how he got to play there last year too, how he gets opportunities more easily than his friends do.
We discussed that even if he doesn't get to hand out stickers, people will still remember his music and may look him up on myspace and that handing out stickers is only a small portion of what's important in terms of promoting oneself.
We discussed what he could do differently next time to make sure that he got the stickers on time, i.e., starting the process sooner, dumping the graphic design guy if he wasn't going fast enough, being too picky about what he wanted on the sticker and not being ok with sending them to press until they were "just right" and THEN, after he sent them to press, not liking the color of the proofs and having them change it, which cost him even more time.
We went through all this, he still was just as unhappy about not getting his stickers before we talked. I don't know how to be supportive when my compassion and support doesn't matter to him at all. He wants what he wants when he wants it, and nothing else matters to him. If he wanted to sulk on his own, that's one thing, but he takes quality time away from us.
That's my only real issue with him, generally he's funny, loving, supportive, reliable, kind, and giving. But when he gets in one of his "moods", no one can snap him out of it, at least from my experience. It makes him a real drag to be around sometimes, esp. if I'm going through my own health issues or we have a big weekend coming up right now. Like I really want to be with someone who is going to be sulking all weekend when we've looked forward to this weekend for months.
Thanks everyone, for your advice/POV so far
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