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Julia - If you don't mind sharing, I would be interested in hearing more about how you pulled through the hard times. Did one of you extend an olive branch to the other? If so, who? Did one of you make compromises in order to get the relationship back on track?
When there are disagreements, one partner needs to step forward and make an effort to restore harmony. One spouse usually wants to mend things sooner than the other.
Last edited by boodhabunny; 05-28-2010 at 06:10 AM..
Julia - If you don't mind sharing, I would be interested in hearing more about how you pulled through the hard times. Did one of you extend an olive branch to the other? If so, who? Did one of you make compromises in order to get the relationship back on track?
When there are disagreements, one partner needs to step forward and make an effort to restore harmony. One spouse usually wants to mend things sooner than the other.
Julia - If you don't mind sharing, I would be interested in hearing more about how you pulled through the hard times. Did one of you extend an olive branch to the other? If so, who? Did one of you make compromises in order to get the relationship back on track?
My husband went through a period of depression that stemmed from our being broke all the time. He bases a lot of his self-worth on his ability to provide for his family; that's a big part of how he identifies as a husband, father, and man. He became angry and withdrawn. I grew tired of not being able to help him and feeling rejected, and I became angry too. We were angry all the time. I considered divorce many times, but we were broke and I didn't know how the kids and I would manage. I thought about moving home to my parents'. The thing that always stopped me, though, was when I remembered my vows. I am not preaching Christianity here, but I took my oath very seriously. We also had the famous 1 Corinthians 13 passage framed on the wall, and I'd read it from time to time.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
I told myself that if I really had done all I could, then I would be free with a clear conscience, but if I was just giving up, then I could not. So I stayed. I do not want to come off as a martyr or tell people that they should live in misery, because this is a choice you have to make for yourself. I loved him and chose to stay.
We moved, he got a better job, and finances started getting better, but things between us were not good. I went to bed angry and I woke up angry. I was not kind to him, and he was a difficult person to be kind to. He was addicted to video games and shut himself off from the children and me, but I would not want to be with me either, not the person I was then.
Finally, we hit the big crisis and I cracked. I told him I was leaving. I had said so before, which I am ashamed to say, but this time I meant it. He didn't believe me at first, but I went looking at nearby apartments and started figuring out a budget. The apartment complexes started calling me back, and he woke up. I thought it was over, but he asked me to go for a drive and talk. We talked for a few hours and he asked for another chance. I gave it to him, and we agreed to start over, rather than rehashing and reliving the same fight we had been fighting for far too long. We called a truce and closed the door on that ugly phase. Things have been getting better ever since.
So we both made it work. My sticking around didn't fix our marriage by itself, and I would be divorced now if he didn't ask me to stay.
Quote:
Originally Posted by boodhabunny
When there are disagreements, one partner needs to step forward and make an effort to restore harmony. One spouse usually wants to mend things sooner than the other.
I agree. But it can't be one person making all the effort. I hear people grumbling that their partner never apologizes or compromises. You can't live like that. Resentment will destroy your marriage.
One thing I try to always remember is, "What is my goal here?" Do I want to be right or win the discussion, or do I want peace in my house? Sometimes I do want to be right because it's something important that I believe in, but sometimes it's not that big a deal. I choose my battles, and so does my husband. I am not the only one who compromises; he does too.
I think this thread has degenerated into a lot of silliness (with some pots obviously being an occasional exception). Love cannot be quantified. This may be frustrating to a teenager, as well as an occasional puerile adult, but there is simply no way to determine if one spouse's love amounts to, let's say 70% of the other spouse's love. It just doesn't work that way. People express their love differently, and some ways may seem more agreeable than others, but you still can't put percentage points on it.
Of course it's better to love less than your SO loves you. As my favorite novelist, W.M. Thackeray wrote, "tell very little, or better yet, feel very little". After all, one of the ways to define love is liking someone enough to act against one's better judgment. If you are not in love, you can think straight, and you are not vulnerable. If the relationship ends, you will get hurt less. But none of this means that people don't fall in love, that they don't grow into love, or that love has anything to do with altruism.
I still can't fathom wanting my husband to love me more than I love him. Maybe my brain just doesn't work that way, or maybe I am looking at it wrong. I love him more than anything or anyone and think I can honestly say that I love him 100%.
Even with that, it is possible for him to love you more. 100% will vary from person to person. It's great that you two have such a great realationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Redisca
I think this thread has degenerated into a lot of silliness (with some pots obviously being an occasional exception). Love cannot be quantified. This may be frustrating to a teenager, as well as an occasional puerile adult, but there is simply no way to determine if one spouse's love amounts to, let's say 70% of the other spouse's love. It just doesn't work that way. People express their love differently, and some ways may seem more agreeable than others, but you still can't put percentage points on it.
Of course it's better to love less than your SO loves you. As my favorite novelist, W.M. Thackeray wrote, "tell very little, or better yet, feel very little". After all, one of the ways to define love is liking someone enough to act against one's better judgment. If you are not in love, you can think straight, and you are not vulnerable. If the relationship ends, you will get hurt less. But none of this means that people don't fall in love, that they don't grow into love, or that love has anything to do with altruism.
Even with that, it is possible for him to love you more. 100% will vary from person to person. It's great that you two have such a great realationship.
Why do you think it's so important that the man should love more? Isn't it good enough that both persons love each other equally much?
All I can say is, this is what happens when people wait until the kids are "old enough to cope".
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