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I lost a very dear friend of mine today, Josi, from cancer. Really, I see it as a blessing- she'd been fighting for over ten years. TEN YEARS! She's one tough broad and honestly, I'm glad she is no longer suffering. Still, I'm sad and lonely because I'm dealing with my life as it will now be without her- which is of no matter to her- she's fine, she's dead! And definitely in a better place. I am happy for her in that she lived an AWESOME life. She really, really did, and gave me SO much that will inspire me until I myself die. But I still miss her and always will. I am feeling selfish, as the grief I have is for myself and everyone else she left behind. I am thinking that is perfectly OK, as any loss has to be grieved and dealt with in order that we make adjustments in our lives to include that loss as a part of our lives- rather than view it as an omission. At least that is how I view it.
I'd like to add that my dear Josi's death will be the 7th friend I have lost in just a few years. All from various situations- two from motorcycle accidents, one from a drug overdose, one from a heart attack, and now three from cancer. That's an awful lot, and only one of those people were over 50 (one of the bike accidents). And it's to the point where- not that I'm numb- but I've become almost "used" to death and, in a way, have come to understand it. I definitely appreciate life and those I love a little more because of it, which I definitely see as a positive thing.
So I am just curious- to those of you who have lost someone close to you, how do you all feel about, and deal with death yourselves? What do you do personally that helps you deal with the death of your loved one, and then as well, your own life and mortality? And, most importantly, are you able to take something positive out of death, or is the experience completely negative for you? OH and one more thing- when it comes to the memorial service or "life celebration", as I prefer to call it- if there is anything unusual or unconventional that any of you have done to honor your deceased friend- do share! For instance- one of my friend's that passed of cancer was an avid biker (put over 100K miles on his Harley Softtail) wanted a lot of bikes at his service. We were happy to have counted just over 60, which made an impressive procession on the road. It was an intense and unforgettable experience that I know reached him.
I posted this in the "Religion and Philosophy" section so I expect and welcome comments from any and every faith, and/or lack thereof. But with all due respect to those of you who are devout in faith/religion- please, NO BIBLE QUOTES OR SCRIPTURES! I want to hear from YOU, and hear YOUR voice, and your life experiences and thoughts as it pertains to the queries about death that I presented and, as well, whatever any of you would like to add. Speak from your heart and we'll all hopefully gain something positive and good out of what might otherwise be a morbid thread.
I am thinking that is perfectly OK, as any loss has to be grieved and dealt with in order that we make adjustments in our lives to include that loss as a part of our lives- rather than view it as an omission. At least that is how I view it.
Yes, her troubles are over. When someone close to me dies I almost get a bit jealous - not that I have a death wish or anything but jealous to be on a new plane, standing on a new horizon in another dimension.
My mother in law passed away in my house just 3 months ago. Just days before she died she got to hold my first grandchild (who was just days old).
The entire circle of life unfolding under one roof.
The main thing I take away from these experiences is to never take life for granted. Don't tell anyone something that you would not want to be the last thing you told them - because it could be.
The main thing I take away from these experiences is to never take life for granted. Don't tell anyone something that you would not want to be the last thing you told them - because it could be.
Aw hell, with that you got me crying again...in a good way, really- I'll explain in a sec but first of all, thank you for your words, and as well I am sorry for your loss of your mother in law, but the fact that she got to hold that little baby- that's very special, and I can tell it meant a lot to you. I don't know the circumstances of her death, but she may have been sticking around just so she could touch and love that baby before she left.
But back to what you said about the last thing you tell people- that's what brought me to tears, in the best way, and I want to share my experience on that matter because, especially for those who haven't lost anyone close, it's easy to forget how short life is, and how it can TOTALLY change in the blink of an eye...
I had a good friend, Brandon, who I used to work with and spend a lot of time with outside of work. He had quit working where I did, and got a new job with some new friends- some that weren't exactly a good influence- I'll leave it at that. Anyway, he stopped into my work to have a drink (it was a restaurant) and was in great spirits, and very happy to see me and tell me what was new in his world. Things seemed to be going well for him and his hobbies (he was an artist and musician). Anyway before he left, he said "I love you and miss you". I hugged him and said the same exact thing right back. Well, two days later, he was in the hospital for a drug overdose- he fell into a coma and died, hours later. I couldn't believe it- nobody who knew him could, it was such a total shock. He was only 26 years old. But what put me at ease- the last thing he said to me which, to this day, I have the utmost gratitude for. And the one good thing his death brought- everyone was stymied and shocked, as I said but, at the same time, the realization that life was fleeting and that it is of utmost importance to make sure to tell everyone you care about how you feel about them prevailed. I was witness to a few friendships renewed, some qualms quashed and a lot of drama that was once consistent between people reduced to apologies and sentiment. It was pretty amazing, though tragic that good had to come from tragedy- but that's just how life is, sometimes.
In closing, and sorry for the long rant/story, but here's the deal: you always think you're going to see everyone again. And you probably will. But there is always a chance you may not. And, no matter how you look at it, one of those times you see someone will be THE LAST TIME. They may just leave your life, or they may die. Or YOU may die. The dead person doesn't care about anything, much less what someone said or didn't say. But whoever is left lives forever with the did/didn't insofar as words or sentiments. So to all of you, one thing I hope I impart to all of you with my ranting is to always leave everyone you encounter with something KIND and positive. And I'd say this applies irregardless of the thought that someone might die- it's never good to end any farewell on a negative note, nobody should have to stew in an unkind or cruel gesture or thought. It's just that death is so final and severe that it makes a better example, especially if you've experienced it first hand. I can tell you that Brandon's beautiful last words echo in my mind in the best way, and have been an inspiration to me to do my best to do what he did- and try to remember to give people something positive and good to take with them upon bidding them farewell.
Although I know I should be very sad when someone close to me dies, I've had more than enough experience to let me know the soul lives on. It eases the hurt a lot, because I don't see physically dying as an end, but the part where the soul is freed from the body.
Helios, I am sorry for the loss of your dear friend. Since I see all of life including death through the eyes of religion I am afraid I cannot answer this without violating your express wish for no Biblical content.....but the song "Down to a River" by Connie Kaldor always does speak to my heart, and help me a great deal:
Do you hear the ones who loved you Who were glad they knew you well? Do the hearts that miss you ring like a bell?
I am sorry for the losses you have suffered. I learned about dealing with death from my mother.
When he was 39 my only brother died, and my mother showed me how to handle it with grace. She did not wail and wallow, but through her faith she was able to get through it. I remember telling her about his death, and she began to cry quietly. Then, she began the process of what had to be done. It also changed her views in some ways. She had always saved every penny she made, and after his death she began to live a little more. For instance, she bought a place at the beach and spent a lot of time with her grandchildren there. She did not dwell on her loss, instead she seemed to be sure that he was better off and that she would see him again. He had had problems with drugs all his life, and he was only happy when he was in the woods with his dog. He did not hunt; he just loved being one with nature. Mom told me that when she sat on the beach or walked on a nature trail she could feel his presence.
Eight years ago, my mother passed away. We found out in April that she had terminal cancer, and by June she was gone. Once again my mother showed me how to handle death. Not once did she ask, "Why me?" No, she continued to live and to show the rest of us how much she loved us. When I asked her how she was handling things she replied, "I am fine. I have lived a rich, full life, and now I am going home. I will be with my parents and my son, and I will be waiting for you. Remember you are never alone." She never even shed a tear. Her only concerns were for the people she would leave behind. Not a day goes by that I don't speak to her in my heart. I miss this brave courageous woman, but I believe that we will be together again.
I will be thinking of you and your loss. God bless you.
I lost a very dear friend of mine today, Josi, from cancer. Really, I see it as a blessing- she'd been fighting for over ten years. TEN YEARS! She's one tough broad and honestly, I'm glad she is no longer suffering. Still, I'm sad and lonely because I'm dealing with my life as it will now be without her- which is of no matter to her- she's fine, she's dead! And definitely in a better place. I am happy for her in that she lived an AWESOME life. She really, really did, and gave me SO much that will inspire me until I myself die. But I still miss her and always will. I am feeling selfish, as the grief I have is for myself and everyone else she left behind. I am thinking that is perfectly OK, as any loss has to be grieved and dealt with in order that we make adjustments in our lives to include that loss as a part of our lives- rather than view it as an omission. At least that is how I view it.
I'd like to add that my dear Josi's death will be the 7th friend I have lost in just a few years. All from various situations- two from motorcycle accidents, one from a drug overdose, one from a heart attack, and now three from cancer. That's an awful lot, and only one of those people were over 50 (one of the bike accidents). And it's to the point where- not that I'm numb- but I've become almost "used" to death and, in a way, have come to understand it. I definitely appreciate life and those I love a little more because of it, which I definitely see as a positive thing.
So I am just curious- to those of you who have lost someone close to you, how do you all feel about, and deal with death yourselves? What do you do personally that helps you deal with the death of your loved one, and then as well, your own life and mortality? And, most importantly, are you able to take something positive out of death, or is the experience completely negative for you? OH and one more thing- when it comes to the memorial service or "life celebration", as I prefer to call it- if there is anything unusual or unconventional that any of you have done to honor your deceased friend- do share! For instance- one of my friend's that passed of cancer was an avid biker (put over 100K miles on his Harley Softtail) wanted a lot of bikes at his service. We were happy to have counted just over 60, which made an impressive procession on the road. It was an intense and unforgettable experience that I know reached him.
I posted this in the "Religion and Philosophy" section so I expect and welcome comments from any and every faith, and/or lack thereof. But with all due respect to those of you who are devout in faith/religion- please, NO BIBLE QUOTES OR SCRIPTURES! I want to hear from YOU, and hear YOUR voice, and your life experiences and thoughts as it pertains to the queries about death that I presented and, as well, whatever any of you would like to add. Speak from your heart and we'll all hopefully gain something positive and good out of what might otherwise be a morbid thread.
Death in the case of a suffering person is a gift and nothing to fear, just nature’s way of recycling raw materials and energy.
I, like you, also outlived all my childhood friends before I was 50. It made me stop and look to see what we did that was taking all of us so soon, than I recognized how little time one life was related to all the time that has passed. We do the best we can while here, but in reality in the end we are no better than a flash in time.
Dealing with loss is only hard for those still here, nothing will make it easier but time. We have to come to grips with the memories, and try and press on with the good goals passed down to us, and forget the negatives. I still catch my self thinking about old friends and family as if they were still here. That may be my way of coping with the loss. Just put them in a memory that brings them back to a good time in today’s reality, who knows it may be as long as we remember them they are here, just not where we can reach out and touch them anymore.
My sympathies on the passing of your dear friend Helios. The separation will almost certainly be only temporary, the next rendezvous something to really look forward to.
By then your friend may have found for you the calmest pastures, the bluest skies, the happiest flowers, the stillest waters, the shadiest oak under which to sit, hold hands, and renew your acquaintance for as long an uninterrupted time as the two of you could ever hope for.
I wish for you the very very best, thank-you for sharing your experience with us.
We argue and take sides sometimes in these Religion forums but I think we all know that love and its opposite dwell very close to each other in the deepest parts of the heart, sometimes neither being clearly distinguishable from the other. Commonly known and all too frequent human moments such as the death of a loved one tend to bring the love brimming into the depths of our eyes and we weep for each other.
But that too shall always pass, just as soon as joy arrives, listen, can you hear her coming...
Neither a person's life nor their relationship to you can be summarized by any last living words. Some like to beat themselves up thinking, if only we didn't just have a fight right before he/she died, but that's all mere distraction from the entirety of the lives shared. Fact is, people love, people fight, people live, people die, any meaning you take from the random timing of all of that is all on your own, having little to do with objective realty and rarely accurately reflective of the entirety of either the relationship which existed or the life lost.
As to the death itself, death always sucks. Getting old sucks. Pain sucks. Any good you think you find in any of that is just kidding yourself. It is ok to fool yourself when you are using some rationale as a coping tool and as long as you eventually come to see it for what it forever really is instead of for what you need to see it be at a given moment. Fact is life will always have been better without the pain, without growing old without death--as there is nothing that can be learned with all of that which can not be learned without any of that--but that's not what life is. Life is not that good. So we deal with it as best we can in the poetry of our suffering. And though there is nothing to learn from such suffering, at least, I suppose, in Buddhistic fashion, we can take the opportunity of such inevitable pain to put into practice compassion. Compassion for others. Compassion for yourself.
May you find peace in whatever way works best for you.
I have lost the majority of my family to this life condition called death, for me, death isn't the end of a process but the continuation of life. The ole saying: "Nobody get out of this life alive" death is something that we will all experience, there is no reason to fear it, if you fear death then your whole life will be lived in fear.
I see death as nothing more than a change from one condition to another, perhaps, in the womb I was in fear of being born, leaving the warmth and security of the womb to something I had know idea about, however I made the change and have enjoyed the rewards of this physical world, so maybe the next experience will be even better.
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Under the shadiest oak...
