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I mentioned only part of the story regarding my parents. I believe my parents conservative views on life and how it should be lived has caused them to behave in ways which are toxic for me (and have been toxic for a long time). I had two previous girlfriends that, out of the blue, revealed to me that they felt belittled and unworthy when they were around my parents. How nice. I'm not a social scientist, so I can't say much more on the subject - other than I know something is wrong. This forum seems to be a place for parents who don't want to believe there child's estrangement could be as much (or at all) their fault. Perfect place to come and reassure each other of that.
Actually, this thread has been a place for folks estranged from their kids to support one another and to try to learn from others how to cope with the severe pain of the estrangement.
But it has been noted throughout the thread that sometimes there are good reasons for the estrangements on the part of the kids. No one is saying all parents are right all the time.
What people are saying is, parents are only human.
99% of them did the best they knew how to do when they were raising their children. Sure they all screwed up along the way, but most learned along the way too and got better and better at it.
And regardless of where the blame for the estrangement lays, it hurts. It hurts terribly.
Unless and until you yourself are ever a parent, you will not understand just how badly rejection by the person/people you would literally give your life for actually feels.
As we grow and mature we are called to live the most conscious existence possible.
This means we learn the importance of checking our ego at the door and striving to free ourselves from our immature tendency to allow our feelings to rule our actions.
Becoming a parent frequently hastens that process. Those who have not yet become parents have the luxury of staying stuck in their own ego's for a while longer, forever in some sad cases.
But it is the well-rounded, grounded people who have learned to live a life of empathy, compassion and love that bring the most to this world.
Benjamin Franklin once said, "pain instructs".
Well, in the best case scenario people in emotional pain make the efforts to learn from their pain and become less ego-driven through the experience. This means they take personal responsibility for where they find themselves - no more blaming anyone else for anything.
Many parents on this thread have learned that and are living it.
I hope the kids here that have "cut their parents off" will strive to do the same.
Actually, this thread has been a place for folks estranged from their kids to support one another and to try to learn from others how to cope with the severe pain of the estrangement.
But it has been noted throughout the thread that sometimes there are good reasons for the estrangements on the part of the kids. No one is saying all parents are right all the time.
What people are saying is, parents are only human.
99% of them did the best they knew how to do when they were raising their children. Sure they all screwed up along the way, but most learned along the way too and got better and better at it.
And regardless of where the blame for the estrangement lays, it hurts. It hurts terribly.
Unless and until you yourself are ever a parent, you will not understand just how badly rejection by the person/people you would literally give your life for actually feels.
As we grow and mature we are called to live the most conscious existence possible.
This means we learn the importance of checking our ego at the door and striving to free ourselves from our immature tendency to allow our feelings to rule our actions.
Becoming a parent frequently hastens that process. Those who have not yet become parents have the luxury of staying stuck in their own ego's for a while longer, forever in some sad cases.
But it is the well-rounded, grounded people who have learned to live a life of empathy, compassion and love that bring the most to this world.
Benjamin Franklin once said, "pain instructs".
Well, in the best case scenario people in emotional pain make the efforts to learn from their pain and become less ego-driven through the experience. This means they take personal responsibility for where they find themselves - no more blaming anyone else for anything.
Many parents on this thread have learned that and are living it.
I hope the kids here that have "cut their parents off" will strive to do the same.
This post is so true. It wasn't until I had my son that I really learned to appreciate my mother and forge a real connection with her. I posted about it a few pages back.
She loved him so much that nothing else mattered to me. When he was only six years old; she died of cancer and I will always be glad that we reconnected and I had all the opportunities to say . . . all the things that matter.
From a non-American, I think you're just waking up to some of what it means to BE American.
Lots of hypocrisy, for a start (sorry you know I love y'all personally just not the culture there).
Someone from outside the USA sees it thus -
too much religion
too many guns
too little sex/love/sexual freedom
cruel to their poor (a massive sign of a dysfunctional society btw)
too political (it always seems to crop up even in polite conversation)
too racist
too sure the USA is the best place in the world (it's not folks trust me).
enormous amounts of violence on tv, but everyone's horrified at the word "penis".
Maybe you're just questioning the "everything's FINE here thanks" mentality you were brought up with?
I know what I think about where I was raised, and it's one of the reasons I now live in a different country. I have found my own environment and trust me, I am a lot happier here than I was there, because the vibe of the place is so different.
It's good to be patriotic, but to be blindly patriotic, not so much.
It's uncomfortable when your life seems to become shadows, but it happens to everyone I think. Everyone sooner or later looks critically at who/what they've come from.
It's not fair to hurt them though. They brought you up well and they deserve the respect of a weekly email or phone call, at the very least. That's just courtesy.
You need to find something else to care about...align yourself with a good cause, if you care about animals volunteer at PETA, etc.
I don't know if your biblical but it does say something about honouring your parents. This is good advice, and good karma, so do it.
Just be aware that what you see of America is how it's portrayed by the media. What you see is what sells, not everyday life. It's also has to be politically correct. For the most part, everyday American life is no different than anywhere else, other than we have a higher average standard of living than most (but not all), other countries.
Oh, and PETA really isn't an organization that cares about animals.
[quote=akck;31435769]Just be aware that what you see of America is how it's portrayed by the media. What you see is what sells, not everyday life. It's also has to be politically correct. For the most part, everyday American life is no different than anywhere else, other than we have a higher average standard of living than most (but not all), other countries.
...QUOTE]
I don't know about this. DH is an immigrant from England. After nearly 20 years living here, he'd probably agree with that entire list.
I think one of the reasons this parent-son rift has occurred is that my family is a good deal more conservative than I am. Even my parents, who are quite liberal, are still considerably more conservative-minded. Again - I can't quite put my finger on it but they all seem so enamored of some idyllic middle class life. They are so in love with "Americanism", if you will. There just seems to be something phony about all of it... and the whole family in some sense, seem to carry chips on their shoulders. One other thing worth mentioning is that I am an atheist and the rest of the family are most definitely religious. My brother is actually devoutly religious. I never liked his wife much (I credit her partly with the intense religiosity) and it's probably just another reason for this whole thing - she seems to have had an effect on him I do not like. Anyway - there are many reasons for what has happened and I haven't sorted through all of them yet. I thought I'd post in this forum to 1) see if there was anyone else out there in my situation and 2) maybe give some sense to parents out there of why children cut them off... though my case may be quite different from any others. Also, I admit, I have not engaged in a great deal of introspection since the break. My estrangement has been for about a year and a half now.
Of course you feel strange around your parents. You have not followed in their footsteps or embraced their values, ideology, or lifestyle. You are different, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You may be an artist or writer or other creative type who picks up on subtleties or nuances in feeling between people. That's fine; use it in your creative life. We generally do have obligations to parents, however, even if there is nothing in common. A phone call once a week just to say hi, thinking of you....cards sent on birthdays and holidays...show up at a family function "as you are," etc. You do not have to struggle to find common ground, just be there be yourself. Show that you can care without compromising who you really are. Maybe you aren't fully embracing who you really are, but that's another topic. Don't break. Keep in contact with your family, which may be more important as you and they age. Just be you.
I had one brother who estranged himself from our family. However, about a year after that he came down with a serious bone marrow/blood cell deficiency. Low and behold, he wanted his siblings to be tested and give him compatible bone marrow. Our oldest brother turned out to be a match and went thru an arduous procedure to provide the bone marrow to our "black sheep."
So you never know when you may need that parent or relative to help you out. Best not to turn your back on family...
I am 59 years old. I am estranged from my entire blood family, except one cousin.
My parents were violent, abusive drunks, emotionally and in my father's case, sexually abusive. I quit talking to my father in 1980. We were done.
I quit talking to my mother in 2000, and she died without ever seeing or hearing from me again. She was scattered off San Francisco and I have yet to do it but maybe this is the weekend, I'll go to Ocean Beach and pee in the ocean because it's the only way I can p*ss on her grave. I want to.
I don't know if my father is alive and I don't care. He married some other family and perhaps he'd learned his lesson because from what I hear, they adore him. His blood family will have nothing to do with him. In any event, at 87 he's near death and won't be an issue for me.
My sister and i briefly re-connected but after several attempts that culminated in a total blowout, we have re-estranged, and we will continue to be estranged.
What almost none of you have addressed is the notion of "family," as utter crap in the larger sense. To me, "family," means, as an accident of biology, I share a few extra strands of DNA with a select few people than I do with anyone else, to which I reply, "so what?"
I have male and female "chosen" brothers and sisters who have always been better to me than ANYONE in my biofam.
Family, as defined here, is bullsh*t to me, a lie, perpetrated by social engineers who didn't know what they were doing.
I'm glad my mother is dead. The earth is a little less toxic. When I got the news, I danced around the house singing, "Ding-dong, the witch is dead."
Yep. The gene pool in some families could use a little chlorine.
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I have found my own environment and trust me, I am a lot happier here than I was there, because the vibe of the place is so different.
