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Good to see you post. And that is a good idea. Is there a senior center around? I am a member of one and really should get more involved.
Yes, we have a senior center just up the street from me, actually. Maybe I'll drop by and give them the 'suggestion'. They would be able to put such a plan in place better than I could, personally.
I went to our senior center more than a few times but wasn't much impressed with the 'friendliness'. It's just full of cliques and don't seem to be many open and willing to accept new 'friends'. And the women were downright 'suspicious'. lol The single men there are always in demand and lord help anyone new who might want to get involved with one of them. Not me, that's for sure.
Yes, we have a senior center just up the street from me, actually. Maybe I'll drop by and give them the 'suggestion'. They would be able to put such a plan in place better than I could, personally.
I went to our senior center more than a few times but wasn't much impressed with the 'friendliness'. It's just full of cliques and don't seem to be many open and willing to accept new 'friends'. And the women were downright 'suspicious'. lol The single men there are always in demand and lord help anyone new who might want to get involved with one of them. Not me, that's for sure.
The clique thing was true of one senior center I once went to. The one I go to now isn't. I guess you have to check out a couple to find the right one.
The clique thing was true of one senior center I once went to. The one I go to now isn't. I guess you have to check out a couple to find the right one.
We only have one here...small town. I even checked out the Meet Up options here. Way to many tin foil hat wearers here. lol There used to be a Singles organization, for all ages, but it was disbanded for "lack of interest". That still cracks me up.
Yes, we have a senior center just up the street from me, actually. Maybe I'll drop by and give them the 'suggestion'. They would be able to put such a plan in place better than I could, personally.
I went to our senior center more than a few times but wasn't much impressed with the 'friendliness'. It's just full of cliques and don't seem to be many open and willing to accept new 'friends'. And the women were downright 'suspicious'. lol The single men there are always in demand and lord help anyone new who might want to get involved with one of them. Not me, that's for sure.
They will likely tell you insurance would be too expensive. And it probably would.
I guess I can't be considered an "elder orphan" since I have plenty of family around but I rarely ever see them and wouldn't dream of asking them for help. They really don't care. If I had to go for an outpatient procedure I wouldn't have anyone to go with me and I found out they won't let you take a cab to and from either. HAS to be someone responsible. Maybe I could try to start a group here but have no idea how many "elder orphans" actually live here.
I have my husband's family, who has helped with many things. My sister in law decided to move here too, so I get rides and the like. But for someone who needed physical care, she has her own problems.
My father in law and I are close, but half a country away. They can't travel anymore, both on oxygen. Mom's side of the family is scattered and I haven't seen them in years. My father in law is almost a father too in the relationship, but without the baggage.
Then there is my son. He and his wife, whom I do like though the feelings I felt from her suggest we need space too, however decided I needed their help. He and extended family will be moving. They wanted to have me live with them, not in the house but either a stand alone small house or attached apartment. This came out of nowhere. I was very emotionally glad to see him and her, but the hard part is I have realized I'm just not ready for that. I don't want to be taken care of. I have my own house. It doesn't mean I care any less for them. I appreciate the offer but no, not yet.
He's still worried. I'm not an elder orphan, but what do you do when they and you are in very different mindsets? To me, even if its family, if their plans and yours don't fit together, and you're not in need of care, then what do you do? Their idea of helping is my idea of smothering. I'd say, if this is a subject that needs to be broached, then do it in a adult to adult moment, and everyone gets their say, and everyone's needs get respected, and both sides can compromise without making it something that isn't going to work. And as things change, then everyone should be free to talk about it all over.
Maybe before the potential need becomes an issue, some good, and open discussion is in order or what is a jesture of kindness and care and love can become a family nightmare.
As a special note, religion being a potential hot topic, nobody should be expected to 'fit in' to the others religion as part of the family life. Each should be respected and nobody forced to participate in one not their own.
We only have one here...small town. I even checked out the Meet Up options here. Way to many tin foil hat wearers here. lol There used to be a Singles organization, for all ages, but it was disbanded for "lack of interest". That still cracks me up.
That's crummy. When I lived in Portland there was only one in my area and I had to take two buses to get there and then walk about five blocks. They didn't do enough to make it worth my while to take the trek there. Sol I know how it can be.
In Lakewood where I'm at now there are two. The one I go to is in my building. I have been meaning to check out the other one at some point.
Then there is my son. He and his wife, whom I do like though the feelings I felt from her suggest we need space too, however decided I needed their help. He and extended family will be moving. They wanted to have me live with them, not in the house but either a stand alone small house or attached apartment. This came out of nowhere. I was very emotionally glad to see him and her, but the hard part is I have realized I'm just not ready for that. I don't want to be taken care of. I have my own house. It doesn't mean I care any less for them. I appreciate the offer but no, not yet.
He's still worried. I'm not an elder orphan, but what do you do when they and you are in very different mindsets? To me, even if its family, if their plans and yours don't fit together, and you're not in need of care, then what do you do? Their idea of helping is my idea of smothering. I'd say, if this is a subject that needs to be broached, then do it in a adult to adult moment, and everyone gets their say, and everyone's needs get respected, and both sides can compromise without making it something that isn't going to work. And as things change, then everyone should be free to talk about it all over.
Maybe before the potential need becomes an issue, some good, and open discussion is in order or what is a jesture of kindness and care and love can become a family nightmare.
As a special note, religion being a potential hot topic, nobody should be expected to 'fit in' to the others religion as part of the family life. Each should be respected and nobody forced to participate in one not their own.
No disrespect meant, but take care you don't make yourself into an elder orphan when that is not needed.
If your son is willing to buy a property that either has a cottage or separate apartment, or has space for one, I wouldn't turn it down out of hand. You might consider telling him just what you said here -- that you are not ready for that yet but would consider it (maybe even welcome it ) in the future.
How old are you now? How is your health now? Are you still able to drive safely? Is he moving to a place where you might like to live in a few years?
And yes, you should have the discussion now, before he buys his new home. You could even talk about how you will still want to live your own independent life and just know that he is near if you need help. Living in a separate cottage or apartment means you don't have to have dinner with them every night or go with them wherever they go. You are still in your own place living your own life. Pay him rent so you can maintain your independence. And make it clear you will only babysit if it's convenient for you. Talk about this with him now.
I have my husband's family, who has helped with many things. My sister in law decided to move here too, so I get rides and the like. But for someone who needed physical care, she has her own problems.
My father in law and I are close, but half a country away. They can't travel anymore, both on oxygen. Mom's side of the family is scattered and I haven't seen them in years. My father in law is almost a father too in the relationship, but without the baggage.
Then there is my son. He and his wife, whom I do like though the feelings I felt from her suggest we need space too, however decided I needed their help. He and extended family will be moving. They wanted to have me live with them, not in the house but either a stand alone small house or attached apartment. This came out of nowhere. I was very emotionally glad to see him and her, but the hard part is I have realized I'm just not ready for that. I don't want to be taken care of. I have my own house. It doesn't mean I care any less for them. I appreciate the offer but no, not yet.
He's still worried. I'm not an elder orphan, but what do you do when they and you are in very different mindsets? To me, even if its family, if their plans and yours don't fit together, and you're not in need of care, then what do you do? Their idea of helping is my idea of smothering. I'd say, if this is a subject that needs to be broached, then do it in a adult to adult moment, and everyone gets their say, and everyone's needs get respected, and both sides can compromise without making it something that isn't going to work. And as things change, then everyone should be free to talk about it all over.
Maybe before the potential need becomes an issue, some good, and open discussion is in order or what is a jesture of kindness and care and love can become a family nightmare.
As a special note, religion being a potential hot topic, nobody should be expected to 'fit in' to the others religion as part of the family life. Each should be respected and nobody forced to participate in one not their own.
When my mom bought her house after my dad died she decided it was "too big" for just her so she wanted my brother and his family to live there and they built a nice little MIL unit in back by enclosing a one car garage/workshop and carport. Then brother decided he doesn't want to live in her house so I rented the small house and lived there six years. It worked out well because she was 81 when I moved in and I helped her out a bunch over the years. She respected my privacy, and I hers, and we always got along really well. I never worried about myself because I knew I'd be okay no matter what, and still am lo these many years later. It has never entered my mind to think I'd live close to/with any of my kids, even in a separate dwelling. However, I'm sure if I did we'd get along fine as long as they didn't try to interfere with my life, etc..
My mom was VERY religious but it never caused us any problems. She always wished I didn't work on Sunday so I could go to church with her but she understood the jobs I always had didn't recognize weekends and holidays as such. Just more work days.
I think you just aren't 'ready' for all that 'closeness' yet. Maybe one day...
That's crummy. When I lived in Portland there was only one in my area and I had to take two buses to get there and then walk about five blocks. They didn't do enough to make it worth my while to take the trek there. Sol I know how it can be.
In Lakewood where I'm at now there are two. The one I go to is in my building. I have been meaning to check out the other one at some point.
Sorry you don't have better choices.
I don't mind really. In a way I'm really too lazy to make myself get up and go out to DO something most of the time anyway. Also I've lived here so many years there's just not much I haven't seen/done so not much left. lol I can find so many things to keep me busy here at home. I realized the other day that on my days off, unless the phone rings, I generally go two whole days without talking to a single soul. Been that way for a long time though and just how it is. I figure I spend hours and hours every day 'talking' to people so it's really kind of nice to not have to.
When my mom bought her house after my dad died she decided it was "too big" for just her so she wanted my brother and his family to live there and they built a nice little MIL unit in back by enclosing a one car garage/workshop and carport. Then brother decided he doesn't want to live in her house so I rented the small house and lived there six years. It worked out well because she was 81 when I moved in and I helped her out a bunch over the years. She respected my privacy, and I hers, and we always got along really well. I never worried about myself because I knew I'd be okay no matter what, and still am lo these many years later. It has never entered my mind to think I'd live close to/with any of my kids, even in a separate dwelling. However, I'm sure if I did we'd get along fine as long as they didn't try to interfere with my life, etc..
My mom was VERY religious but it never caused us any problems. She always wished I didn't work on Sunday so I could go to church with her but she understood the jobs I always had didn't recognize weekends and holidays as such. Just more work days.
I think you just aren't 'ready' for all that 'closeness' yet. Maybe one day...
It's true I'm not ready for 'closeness', but if it means people always around, it won't ever. I'm a loner. Just like my grandmother, who lived by herself until she had a massive stroke, I don't feel comfortable in a house full of people and have had plenty of experience to know it. He can't afford the 'mil house right now anyway. And I OWN my own house where I live now and couldn't get one there for what I'd get for this one, but he didn't think this mattered. All it cost me is a couple hundred a year for taxes beyond regular everywhere costs. I do quite well on a small income. It would be different if I liked company or the current house was not as comfortable. And I'm someone who really doesn't like people around. I like to go home to pets and quiet.
And then there is religion. They are both Mormon converts. I ask a few simple questions, but to me that's all you get. And I'm pagan, and we tend to NOT 'evangualize'. It got brought up too often. I'm glad he's happy with his choice as I am with mine, but that's where the discussion ends unless we jointly decide to debate religion. Then a couple of missionaries visited. I was nice to them, didn't want to discuss religion, mine or theirs, and they stopped coming. I could live with my son being dissapointed. But nagging about it is not respecting my space, and such respect has to be mutual.
I'd love to be closer. But maybe not its too early. I'd like to visit and sniff out/feel out the place too and see if it feels comfortable before making any commitments too. Same with my son if he came here.
I'm still always going to be my grandmother though.
And they both are recently converted believers, in this case Mormons. It got brought up a lot, this and that about how we believe. I didn't ask. I explained he knows I'm pagan/wiccan and I'm glad he found his nitch and for me that's the last of the conversation. After his visit, the missionaries came. I put up with them for a few weeks, but no, I don't need to know all the details. Respect mine and I'll respect yours. If it could be left at mutual respect then I'd be fine.
The thing is, if the visit is to be the model, it won't be.
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