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Neither of my cousins went to college. Don't think the girlfriend or wife did either. It doesn't appear the granddaughter will - she is always posting on Facebook about how she's depressed, etc., but never even met her biological father until this year and mother went through a carousel of girlfriends when she was younger.
Male cousin has never had much of a stable career. He's been in various fields and is out of work again. One of my aunts runs a commercial painting business and he's doing that for now, along with other temp work. His wife works for Relay for Life, so isn't making much. They weren't able to have kids for years, then had a surprise a couple years back and are now having a second one. Inadvisable, but wife probably feels her biological clock ticking and they are both very religious.
Female cousin and her girlfriend worked at the same place for years. It seems like they were more self-sufficient than the other cousin and wife, but no idea what they were bringing in. She was always the custodial parent, but my uncle and male cousin were very involved in raising her daughter. I'm sure there was considerable financial help over the years as well.
I'm sure neither want to be in this situation, but the economy here remains a mess, though better than it was at the bottom of the pit several years back. It's not like they haven't been self-sufficient in the past - they've hit a rough patch at the same time.
Uncle and aunt are now done to one income with her being retired. This uncle works for another uncle, who is himself going into his fifth marriage and has all sorts of personal upheaval going on. I can't see how the business being run very well with all this stuff going on, so no idea if uncle #1 has a stable situation or not.
FWIW, I've never been close with any of these relatives, except for the uncle that owns the business and employs the uncle with the kids moving in.
Some people are great enablers. They enable the drug addicts, the lazy, and those who have made poor choices in life.
Sometimes there is a fine line between helping in emergencies and being an enabler. Those who don't understand the difference can get sucked into a downward spiral that helps no one.
My FIL had plans to leave Long Island and move to Florida. He went as far as buying a mobile home and all the furnishings. Unfortunately one of his kids (my husband's half-brother), who was a drug addict got hit by a car and was critically injured. He never fully recovered and was in a wheelchair. My FIL gave up on his dream to take care of his son.
I had plans for my retirement but my youngest has put the kibbutz on that. I won't elaborate as there are far too many judgmental and cruel people on City Data as you can tell by just reading some of the responses in this thread.
At 36 and 39-years old with grown children of their own, these are only "children" in the biological sense. My 45 and 48-year old "children" will always be my 'little girl and boy' in my mind - and I would always help them if they suddenly (not chronically) needed help.
This however, sounds like a generational-dependency problem that makes 'enablers' of older adults and dependents of middle-age adults. There is nothing helpful or healthy about sheltering otherwise healthy, able adults from taking personal responsibility for their own lives. Those who do it generally have a distorted view of their own role as providers. Those who allow it on an ongoing basis - are typically lazy and unmotivated ... and will move from enabler to enabler until the gravy train stops.
At 36 and 39-years old with grown children of their own, these are only "children" in the biological sense. My 45 and 48-year old "children" will always be my 'little girl and boy' in my mind - and I would always help them if they suddenly (not chronically) needed help.
This however, sounds like a generational-dependency problem that makes 'enablers' of older adults and dependents of middle-age adults. There is nothing helpful or healthy about sheltering otherwise healthy, able adults from taking personal responsibility for their own lives. Those who do it generally have a distorted view of their own role as providers. Those who allow it on an ongoing basis - are typically lazy and unmotivated ... and will move from enabler to enabler until the gravy train stops.
I really don't know them well enough to make the call on whether it's sudden or chronic. It seems sudden, but like I said, the male cousin seems to have had some level of financial problems off and on for awhile. You don't get calls from debt collectors for family members without there being some fire where there's that smoke. Maybe this was enough to push them from just being behind on bills into potential homelessness.
The two women and daughter are headscratchers. You can find a cheap apartment or trailer around here for $500/month. I'm not sure why between the three of them, with the granddaughter working and the other two on unemployment, they can't round that up.
Grandmother seemed to go on like my uncle and his wife have already sacrificed a lot that it is impacting their old age plans, especially for the granddaughter that is now 18. That's probably true, and I guess this recent problem just drags all that out into the open.
At 36 and 39-years old with grown children of their own, these are only "children" in the biological sense. My 45 and 48-year old "children" will always be my 'little girl and boy' in my mind - and I would always help them if they suddenly (not chronically) needed help.
This however, sounds like a generational-dependency problem that makes 'enablers' of older adults and dependents of middle-age adults. There is nothing helpful or healthy about sheltering otherwise healthy, able adults from taking personal responsibility for their own lives. Those who do it generally have a distorted view of their own role as providers. Those who allow it on an ongoing basis - are typically lazy and unmotivated ... and will move from enabler to enabler until the gravy train stops.
I have to agree with this post. A parents most important job is to teach their children how to take care of themselves, and that includes learning to deal with a job crisis. Constantly being there to pick them up when they fall means they won't ever learn how to do it themselves. Nothing causes you to learn as quickly as sheer necessity.
I don't agree at all with MrRational, there are LOTS of jobs out there. I see "Now Hiring" signs everyday around here. Are they jobs that everyone would want? Maybe not, but it beats mooching off your parents and screwing up their lives and future in addition to your own. They need to get some money coming in, any money, from any job. Growing up, my single mom sometimes worked 3 jobs at a time, because one didn't pay enough to feed and house herself, me and my 4 siblings.
Sounds like the typical cycle of poverty in small towns. People who are smart and ambitious get out of there. The rest stay and end up having to live off of others, either the taxpayer or family.
I think the difference today is with the number of single parent households, and the bleeding heart parenting that goes with it. For those of us raised with a World War II father in the household, such behavior was unthinkable. They wouldn't throw you out at 18, but life would be made so unbearable, that the realities of the outside world paled in comparison. It was an easy decision.
The difference today is that America is at the top of the list of developed countries in creating very low-wage jobs that don't even pay the bills.
Fully HALF of Americans make $30,000 or less. Actually, 40% are making closer to $20,000.
I hope this thread gets loss of personal stories because I will be reading them out of self-interest and looking for advice!
I hope that I am not "borrowing trouble" (I have a tendency to do that), but my husband and I are planning to move across the country in about two years to live our retirement dream, and our daughter with three very young children is contemplating a divorce. (I fear that we will be end up giving up our dream because of her choice. Btw, she is NOT being abused, she and her husband are "just" unhappy with each other. I think -- hope -- that if she does divorce, it will be a matter of either she moves across the country, too, or else sink or swim on her own. But, oh, the guilt if she chooses the latter, and she sinks!)
I went to see my grandmother this evening, and she always has juicy gossip about the other family members. One of my uncles is 58 and has two children - 36 year old son, 39 year old daughter. The daughter has her own daughter, who is now 18, and the son has a baby and one on the way.
Daughter's and partner's employer closed down a couple months ago, and they're broke. Her and her girlfriend are being evicted. Granddaughter is working at Home Depot and the daughter and her girlfriend are getting unemployment, but it's not enough. Uncle reluctantly let them move in. Uncle is very religious and doesn't approve of the lesbian relationship (the two women have been together for at least five years), but doesn't want to see them homeless.
Son lost his job before Christmas and is just doing temp work. Wife is still working, but works at a nonprofit and doesn't make much. Their lease ends in May and they want to move in with uncle. He has the one baby and another on the way. They've always struggled financially. I had debt collectors calling me looking for my cousin at one point.
Uncle was looking to retire in a couple of years. His wife is several years older than him and already retired. They are comfortable but not wealthy by any means. Grandmother is concerned this is going to impact uncles retirement, and that he's going to end up supporting them significantly.
At worst, this is going to be uncle, his wife, daughter and her girlfriend, the granddaughter, one (maybe two) babies, and son/wife under the roof.
Did a crisis with your children impact your retirement?
Well, I guess he raised them to be like that. The son seems to me the bigger idiot, hey, go ahead and have some kids regardless if you can afford it or not...there are legal ramifications to letting parasites like these live in your house, the time to call the cops to them is when they first show up.
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