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I do not have kids, but I've observed quite a lot over the years. I've seen people go through all their money on their grown children because they couldn't bring themselves to say "No". I saw a woman make her father work until he was in his 80s, then dumped him in a nursing home after she spent all his money and took whatever he would give her from his pay. I've seen people help their adult kids from time to time, this seems more reasonable to me, but again since I have no children of my own, it's just an opinion. Underlying most of this, in both scenarios, was that the grown children were impulsive, and had children way before they were prepared, mentally or financially. Parents, of course, are susceptible to being enablers, and in denial, BIG TIME. It's really quite pathetic. Of course, in a catastrophe, you help. Most of the time it's poor decisions on the part of irresponsible children.
I know a senior couple that is separated because they had no life once their daughter had 3 kids, one right after the other, and the wife spent all her time and energy watching the kids every day. She wouldn't have it any other way, and he couldn't take it any more.
I know another senior women who told both her grown children that her retirement is HER time, and that she would not be their full time baby sitter. Occasionally is one thing, but not all the time. This is a woman who knows how to say NO, this is a STRONG woman.
I agree with you and with most of the posters that enabling is not helping the situation. My friend is a single mother and has always coddled her two girls. Over the years I've expressed my views but those views have not been welcomed, particularly because I don't have children, so I now keep quiet. My friend has great faith in her daughter that she can do anything if only she sets her mind to it. So anytime the daughter expresses interest in going back to school, my friend is ready to fund it. I'm not so sure - she stopped doing well in school years ago. What further complicates the matter is the grandchild. The daughter tends to use the grandchild as a way of getting things and I have no doubt that she might deny access to the grandchild if she was financially cut off - she did this to her sister once because her sister had other plans and didn't want to babysit.
Some people are great enablers. They enable the drug addicts, the lazy, and those who have made poor choices in life.
Sometimes there is a fine line between helping in emergencies and being an enabler. Those who don't understand the difference can get sucked into a downward spiral that helps no one.
^^ So.Very.True. Wish you can tell this to my enabling mother who refuses to see why my 46y.o brother hasn't launched despite her "help".
My FIL had plans to leave Long Island and move to Florida. He went as far as buying a mobile home and all the furnishings. Unfortunately one of his kids (my husband's half-brother), who was a drug addict got hit by a car and was critically injured. He never fully recovered and was in a wheelchair. My FIL gave up on his dream to take care of his son.
I find that admirable. Your FIL clearly has a good heart and integrity and is living up to his responsibility. Families are forever and I'd do the same thing. At the end of a life, it is all about how much you loved. And, this is love. Selfless love.
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Originally Posted by chiluvr1228
I had plans for my retirement but my youngest has put the kibbutz on that. I won't elaborate as there are far too many judgmental and cruel people on City Data as you can tell by just reading some of the responses in this thread.
I say, good for you. We can't control what cards are dealt in our lives, but we have no other choice but to play them. We just do our best and know that what we're doing is right for us. You have to look at the situation as temporary and keep your dream alive. You'll get there.
And, I agree, there are a few cruel and mean people here, but also nice ones. I just wish we could put the downers on ignore or block them.
The son, daughter and partner need to find jobs and their own homes. Might mean they have to move out of the area to do so -- like you did a few years ago and like many young adults do and have done since forever.
Beware you don't let this become your problem. You already have your hands full with your own family.
That's easier said than done. There are a number of retired people in my neighborhood who have taken in family members, there are lots of converted garages and travel trailers parked in yards around here. My oldest son and his 5 year old are living with us, he recently opened his own auto repair business and getting started took every penny he had, he's doing better now but for the time being it makes sense for the two of them to live with us until he gets to a point where he's making more money. We don't mind having him here, in fact we offered our home to him, we're proud of him he's raising his little boy alone and doing a great job. My youngest son didn't finish college until his 30's, we let him move in with us for his last year of college. As soon as he graduated he got a great job and moved out.
When our kids were in their twenties we had to take the leap and do the "sink or swim" Plan B. We used the local program of Tough Love and it saved all four of us from sinking the ship.
It's a terribly frightening thing to do when you've considered yourself the rock in young people's unstable lives. But we took a look around and realized that a lot of people our age were getting caught up in having to relive parenting all over again with their grandchildren while their own adult children played, or went to prison, or whatever poor choices they had made.
Enabling is done out of a misguided concept of love and instead of helping others grow strong and learn to stand on their own, no matter what their struggle, it actually cripples the person it is supposed to help. They don't learn from their mistakes and develop the idea that they can always depend on someone to scoop them up every time they fall.
The fatal flaw for an enabler, if we are deeply and truly honest with ourselves, is that we have an overinflated sense of importance. How insulting is that to people we choose to help? "They couldn't make it without me." Or perhaps, even more painful, "They won't love me if I don't do this." Facing that unpleasant truth about myself helped me become willing to make some changes.
Truth be, if you chose the lifestyle of enabling you are in for some pretty big blows to that ego while the world tries to teach you to right-size your twisted view of yourself. That's the voice of experience speaking and it will truly do you in trying to take care of other adults who don't really need you.
It will deplete your bank account, will probably be taken for granted and will never fulfill that need for confirmation of your goodness as a human being. It can even cause failing health.
Our kids have their ups and downs just like they would if they were still at home. They know we love them and will provide all the emotional support they can ask for. I respect their adulthood enough not to feel responsible for their mistakes.
wow..so if your adult children temporarily need help you exercise your 'tough love' and tell them no? And did your parents treat you like that too? I just don't get how helping someone out is 'enabling'.
I see this frequently with single mothers in their 60's and 70's. Adult never-do-well children in their 30's and 40's, living in the household, often with 100% support. Family living arrangements are their business, but I think the children are being done a disservice. At this late date, the damage is irreversible. If the parent was of the means where the children could continue said lifestyle with an inheritance, it would be less of a problem. Unless there's money in the mattress, I don't see this as the case. The money stops when the parent dies. Suddenly you have 50-somethings with little or no work history, cast out into the world, and likely seeking the taxpayer's dime.
I think the difference today is with the number of single parent households, and the bleeding heart parenting that goes with it. For those of us raised with a World War II father in the household, such behavior was unthinkable. They wouldn't throw you out at 18, but life would be made so unbearable, that the realities of the outside world paled in comparison. It was an easy decision.
huh? I grew up in the 50's and 60's no one in my house was kicked out when they were 18, that's crazy.
huh? I grew up in the 50's and 60's no one in my house was kicked out when they were 18, that's crazy.
We were told that we were free to live at home as long as we attended college. If we planned to work and not go to college, we would be allowed a few months to save up to move out but then were expected to leave. And you lived by their rules as long as you lived under their roof - being age 18 did not mean that you could do anything you wanted. A couple of siblings who out stayed their welcome were told to leave.
Last edited by ABQ2015; 04-03-2017 at 09:58 PM..
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