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I have seen this happen a lot. A very smart friend of mine took all her kids out to lunch and explained if she ever wanted to retire, the wallet had to be closed. And if they continued to ask for money that meant she was welcome to live with and be supported by them when she retires. They quit asking for money!!!
Our children are capable adults who have made occasional "bad" but mostly "good" decisions; nonetheless they are working their fingers to the bone (i.e., working more than 60 hours a week) and still have trouble making ends meet.
Without our help, they'd hold body and soul together without complaining. But we feel fortunate that we can help them. YMMV.
Location: We_tside PNW (Columbia Gorge) / CO / SA TX / Thailand
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowsnow
I have seen this happen a lot. A very smart friend of mine took all her kids out to lunch and explained if she ever wanted to retire, the wallet had to be closed. And if they continued to ask for money that meant she was welcome to live with and be supported by them when she retires. They quit asking for money!!!
Fortunately, my kids were long gone and self funded by age 18 (Actually became self funded pre-age 16, just in case they ever wanted to LEAVE! )
I find it handy to be able to ask my kids for money (Such as when traveling RTW and both my 30 yr CC and my 35 yr old CU decided to change everything (from websites / platforms to different banks holding CCs) so that we had no ACCESS to money...
Kids bailed us out, as we have done for each other many times. (Works even through our extended family on both sides) No abusers (yet)
Last week one wanted a 'bridge' loan to buy / settle commercial property between other closings. We help as we are able.
At age 18 I bailed my own parents out of a lot of family debt (For which I never was repaid), so just trying to NOT follow by example.
Some people have wayward kids, some have wayward PARENTS. I didn't want BOTH... so the kids have been pretty stellar (so far...) KoW
Stuff happens, tomorrow might be different.
Adult kids W/O healthcare could be a significant worry, as I'm sure any savings would be spent to save a kid.
Neighbors are always baling their kids out... whether it is jail, or financial pits. They emptied their IRA's to save the kid's RE empire in 2008, so... 9 yrs later, in their late 70's... the parents are back working for food money. The kids ended up losing everything and moved back home with parents, and brought with them 3 ADULT grandkids (Which the grandparents had paid 12 yrs private school + 2 yrs college.)
huh? I grew up in the 50's and 60's no one in my house was kicked out when they were 18, that's crazy.
Read my post again: "They wouldn't throw you out at 18, but life would be made so unbearable, that the realities of the outside world paled in comparison. It was an easy decision."
I have seen this happen a lot. A very smart friend of mine took all her kids out to lunch and explained if she ever wanted to retire, the wallet had to be closed. And if they continued to ask for money that meant she was welcome to live with and be supported by them when she retires. They quit asking for money!!!
At age 73 there are quite a number of things I would have done differently if I could go back and re-do them, but reading this thread has made me realize once again that I am so glad I never had children. It's one decision I got right. (And it was a conscious decision; after my ex-wife had been on the pill for five and a half years, I got a vasectomy.)
So why am I reading this thread, you may ask? Because I know other folks, mostly cousins, who are in the position of having to step up to one degree or another to rescue their adult children, including having the children live with them full-time. (Yes, I know most children turn out fine, but even if only one out of 20 is seriously mentally ill it can make the parents' life a living nightmare. I've seen it with one cousin. I don't like the odds. And of course failure to thrive, or failure to launch, falls short of mental illness in most cases.)
My sister's younger daughter, now age 31 or 32, lives at home and last I knew was not working. I go for long periods of time not asking what's up with that daughter because it's such a painful and embarrassing question for my sister to answer. Likewise, my sister rarely mentions that daughter. I can't help but wonder what the situation will be ten or twenty years down the road - my sister is now 70. Perhaps she and her husband are financially able to set up some sort of trust that will support their daughter; they are fairly comfortable but not rich by any means.
This adult daughter is highly educated - two master's degrees, one in art history and one in international relations - but she just can't seem to get any career type job and refuses to settle for less, apparently. I don't think the girl is very bright despite her formal education. If she were my daughter I think I would require working at a fast food joint if that's the best she can do, as the price for living at home. Oh well, not my problem, but I sure feel for my sister andher husband. They have another daughter who is fine - an attorney with stable employment.
That's easier said than done. There are a number of retired people in my neighborhood who have taken in family members, there are lots of converted garages and travel trailers parked in yards around here. My oldest son and his 5 year old are living with us, he recently opened his own auto repair business and getting started took every penny he had, he's doing better now but for the time being it makes sense for the two of them to live with us until he gets to a point where he's making more money. We don't mind having him here, in fact we offered our home to him, we're proud of him he's raising his little boy alone and doing a great job. My youngest son didn't finish college until his 30's, we let him move in with us for his last year of college. As soon as he graduated he got a great job and moved out.
In the end you will realize that all you have is your family. Do what you can to help but don't become an enabler of bad habits.
If your kids get into a pickle and need to temporarily move in while they deal with issues like job loss, illness, or divorce, let them do that as long as they work the problem and become self sufficient.
I live in a neighborhood of fairly large homes. They are mostly two story with finished walk out basements. I've noticed that quite a few of my neighbors have had their children and grandchildren move back in temporarily. Life is tougher now for the younger generations. They cannot all get excellent full time jobs with benefits.
I'm lucky that my kids were all well educated and are doing well. But they know that if they needed somewhere to live temporarily, our house is always available.
Most of my neighbors are in our same age bracket with similar homes. I'd noticed that they have not moved and downsized. Perhaps one reason is to preserve that safety net for their kids.
The economy here sucks. They may not be trying hard enough, but there isn't much in the way of decent work here either..
Then the only option is for them to leave for a more economically viable area. Or they can just live off the dole (which often ends up being more lucrative than working a part time minimum wage job. In the small rust belt town in PA I grew up in practically everyone was on the dole in one form or another. When the only employment option is Pizza Hut or 7-Eleven can you blame them?
wow..so if your adult children temporarily need help you exercise your 'tough love' and tell them no? And did your parents treat you like that too? I just don't get how helping someone out is 'enabling'.
My dad had the philosophy of sink or swim. Because of this, I became successful. When he told me I had to make it on my own, with no help. I knew he meant it. He didn't lie to me and didn't teach me to suck off others. He'd say, you are smart, I know you can make it! I never ended up homeless or filing bankruptcy. My brother was handicapped and he did help him out. He needed it, I didn't.
Yes I had to move to make things happen, go to college etc. People do it all the time.
Many businesses have been started by the need for a job. People do this all the time too, some become very successful.
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