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Over many years in 'street ministry' (halfway houses, missions, prisons, etc), I saw many instances of co-dependency - mostly involving parents and their adult children. The perception is that they are 'helping their child,' but the reality is, they are further enabling them to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
I have a niece who through a combination of consistently getting involved with men who have serious medical problems (where the heck does she find them?!) and allowing my mother to bail her out every time she gets into trouble is now in her mid-40s and adrift. I rarely get involved in family matters because no one pays any attention to what I say, but I told both my mother and sister they had to stop meddling. Of course they kept right on doing it.
At one time she was married to a good guy who adored her and had a great job on the river, then she decided she wanted him to quit his job so they could start a miniature horse breeding business, knowing nothing about miniature horses. He did as he was told. They lost their home and got divorced.
MaryBeth, I could have SO easily been in your position, but although I didn't think so at the time, my daughter actually made it easier for me and my husband to almost entirely turn our back to her after she had deeply hurt us one time too many. After years of being emotionally abused by her, the last time was one too many. (And maybe it was easier because we adopted her when she was six, so we did not have the early parent-child bond on either of our parts. I think it would probably have been much more difficult for us to intentionally sever 99% of our connection if she had not come into our home as an "older" child with severe behavioral and emotional problems from the start.)
In any case, I completely understand how you ended up in your position, and you should stop blaming yourself for being a softie.
Thank you katharsis, for your understanding. I always say the only ones that can understand this is the ones that have experienced it. I am sorry you know the feeling.
That is a sad story. My mother gave my brother everything and anything he wanted, cars, college education, adoption of a child, whatever he demanded. He became involved in sports betting and gambling, stole from the company he was working at. Went through every cent my mother had (unbeknownst to me or the rest of the family). Thugs were coming to the house threatening as he owed money to loan sharks. His wife divorced him, he moved in with my mother and one night less than a year later, she died in her sleep, penniless, $1.21 to her name. I asked him if he was going to chip in for the funeral, he said, " don't pay it, they can't get money from a dead person."
He came around from time to time, looking for money. I didn't give him any. I would only feed him. I moved from the area, had no idea where he was living. Forty years passed and I found out he had passed and someone had buried him in my parents cemetery plot. I have no regrets, only the loss of my mom from a broken heart.
I can relate to the woman whose son committed murder and she was asked how could she stand by him.
My son was accused of a terrible crime (no one died, but there are other bad crimes). He spent 5 years in prison. Then 5 years on probation. and monthly visits to his parole officer.
It did truly tear my heart..... wondering how could he have done this? He said he didn't do it, but it seems to be a common response to that question - "did you do it?"
It has been a very long time since I've had any emotional support. My emotions ran the gamit (spelling?). I've kind of gone "dead" in thinking about that. I've been shocked, sad, angry, confused).
My son is 57, currently married for 3rd time. The nature of his crime prevents him from getting a decent job, etc. His crime is written on his driver's license. He has three adult kids, a continuation of a sad story. They are all in OK and I'm in NY. I don't travel there, lack of money keeps me here.
It's a never-ending story with a lot more to tell, but this is enough.
Nothing can stop a mother's love! Your poor heart is proof. -hug
Over many years in 'street ministry' (halfway houses, missions, prisons, etc), I saw many instances of co-dependency - mostly involving parents and their adult children. The perception is that they are 'helping their child,' but the reality is, they are further enabling them to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
I'm not a psycologist, but it seems like a frequent motivation is feelings of guilt. The parent/s believe they are somehow responsible for the poor choices and decisions of their children. In some cases, poor parenting in early years is often a factor, but the question invariably becomes, 'When will you stop and allow the "child-adult" to grow-up and take responsibility for their own actions???
Young people who allow themselves to repeatedly take advantage of parents/siblings/spouses, etc., have typically never outgrown the notion that 'others will/should take care of them.' I suspect that your son's 'woman addiction' has an element of them taking care of him (place to live, affection, support) --- and those relationships break-down when the woman finally grows sick and tired of the situation... and kicks him to the curb.
No repeated action here.. once was enough. My son is a hard worker and always keeps a job. He left the first wife, she didnt throw him out. But I see your point and that is another good warning though!
Thank you
OP, I empathize, It's one thing to know the right thing to do and another thing to actually do it.
It takes a great deal of courage to say no to a child who is struggling. I think the main fear is that they may "go under" and that it will be our fault for not helping.
It's also difficult to realize that family is sometimes the least capable of helping because we let our feelings of love and forgiveness get in the way of the tough love the person needs.
It helps to remember that people rarely change their ways until they can't find anyone left who will let them do it their way. Desperation can be the beginning point of change. I think that's more difficult on a parent than it is on the person who needs to change.
When it comes to loving without enabling relationships with our kids are the toughest there is.
It is definitely something we have to learn, that's why my post. I didnt think I would fall into the same pothole, and although I would still help my son, it would be different, not like I did. I hope this thread helps someone else
While its a disappointment, please keep in mind that you didn’t let yourself down. You will never have doubts “what if I’d helped him more, would that have made a difference.”
When we do all we possibly can do to launch our kids — regardless of age or circumstances — we can continue on our personal paths with clear heads….. and for your sake I wish you an open heart as well.
And also, as a mother, I want to commend you on giving your child the affirmation that his parents “got his back.” Its a true blessing in this world for an individual to know someone’s always in his corner, and you have given that sense of having a safety net to a human you created.
A little wiser, if there’s a next time, you’ll still be all that for your kid. Maybe just do things differently.
You touched me where I live, and drew tears to my eyes.. Thank you.
I, too, have a child whose primary function seems to be to lie and manipulate those around her.
People don't make mistakes as much as they reveal themselves. The truth is sometimes hard to accept, especially as parents.
I haven't heard from my child in 15 years. I rarely think about her.
I am sorry Listener. I know that leaves a hole in your heart, no matter what -hug
As a parent, why would you prefer (or so it seems) he remain single?
People get married and start their own lives all the time, sometimes that includes moving away. I can understand being sad because a child is no longer living close by, but if he still keeps in touch (and you do the same) I don't see this as being estranged.
Your thrown out the window comment...
Is this a case of you gave away money you couldn't afford to give away (understandable) OR, the financial help you gave your son came with unspoken strings attached? Did you feel like you had thrown the money out of the window before he got married and left town?
I guess you got confused, so I will try to explain. I always wanted my son married, and many children for me to love.
Estrangement is no contact, and I am thankful I do hear from my son now and again.
I hope that clears things up for you.
Have a good day
That is a sad story. My mother gave my brother everything and anything he wanted, cars, college education, adoption of a child, whatever he demanded. He became involved in sports betting and gambling, stole from the company he was working at. Went through every cent my mother had (unbeknownst to me or the rest of the family). Thugs were coming to the house threatening as he owed money to loan sharks. His wife divorced him, he moved in with my mother and one night less than a year later, she died in her sleep, penniless, $1.21 to her name. I asked him if he was going to chip in for the funeral, he said, " don't pay it, they can't get money from a dead person."
He came around from time to time, looking for money. I didn't give him any. I would only feed him. I moved from the area, had no idea where he was living. Forty years passed and I found out he had passed and someone had buried him in my parents cemetery plot. I have no regrets, only the loss of my mom from a broken heart.
I am so sorry Ellwood... I am glad you dont have any regrets. Life goes by so quickly.
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