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I have a friend whose mother is sinking further into dementia, and it's so hard on her. Her mother was this sweet, very religious Catholic woman, and last month when my friend was taking her turn staying with her, her mother started screaming at some workmen out in the road to get out of there. Then she picked up a metal stapler and started hitting the window, continuing to yell at them. My friend feared her mom would break the window, so she took the stapler away, and her mother turned and screamed "You B****!" at her daughter, whom she does not remember is her daughter. My friend was shaken by it.
Shortly after, the mother had a physical problem which required her to go to some sort of a nursing home for rehabilitation, but it doesn't look good--she can't even sit up straight anymore--and I'm hoping for my friend's sake that she and her siblings decide Mom can't go back home. They have been taking turns staying with her to keep her in the home she's lived in most of her life, but half the time she demands to "go home", not remembering that she IS home. They were putting her in the car and driving her around the block, then she would recognize the front of her house, and they would bring her back in.
They did not see any signs of dementia until after she had surgery a couple of years ago. She was never right again after the amnesia, believing she had been kidnapped and was being held somewhere against her will, not in a hospital.
What a horrible thing to live through as a family member. I could only sympathize as I have never had to experience a family member go through dementia.
That has to be the most painful death for the survivors that anyone could experience. I lost my brother at an early age through cancer, I was broken by it but he was mentally with us to the last breath. My father passed away from a stroke... fast, still horrible. But to watch a loved ones mind slowly waste away...
When one has fallen into dementia to the point of just existing, they are fine. They are being cared for by family or in a facility where their needs are met. They are unaware of their situation. It is hard on their loved ones to see them that way. Unfortunately many still have strong or healthy bodies and can remain in this state for years and years.
I visit several people (church family) in Memory Care facilities who are totally oblivious to life now. I remember them as wonderful people. People are living so much longer today than "back in the day". I think I would like to see End of Life plans include paperwork where people can choose to have safe EOL procedures applied once they reach the point of "no return", when they are no longer able to be cared for at home safely and by family members. Of course an evaluation from doctors/experts would have to be completed first. But as with DNR (Do Not Resisitate), this is the patient's choice when they have full comprehension and can make that decision legally.
This is something I would absolutely sign up for myself. I'm 61 without any family history, but would never want to put my family through this. Especially if I'm not the person I was in life and just getting worse. At that stage, of course in just my opinion, my life has ceased to exist. I would wish to just be let go.
I love my family too much to put them through that agony that I wouldn't understand myself.
What a horrible thing to live through as a family member. I could only sympathize as I have never had to experience a family member go through dementia.
That has to be the most painful death for the survivors that anyone could experience. I lost my brother at an early age through cancer, I was broken by it but he was mentally with us to the last breath. My father passed away from a stroke... fast, still horrible. But to watch a loved ones mind slowly waste away...
Same here. No one in my family has really had dementia so far. My grandmother seemed to have some moments in her early 90s (she lived to be 94) after experiencing a heart attack at 89. One Christmas, as family was arriving, she asked my mother why everyone was coming--was it Thanksgiving? My mom looked a little upset, and said, "No, it's Christmas, Mom. You are sitting by the tree, and the kids gave you presents earlier, remember?" She said, "Oh, oh, it's Christmas already?"
A little while later, my grandmother came into the kitchen where I was with a big grin on her face, and said, "Did your mother tell you I thought it was Thanksgiving? I'm getting funny in the head!" She had a few other moments before she died, telling my aunt that she was watching "<my mother's name> and the other kids playing baseball outside" on a snowy day, and another time she complained about the "dirty picture" on the door. It was just a woodgrain pattern, but she saw a penis in it. You devil, Nana.
But my mom died in her sleep at 91, sharp as a tack, and my dad died of a heart attack on the kitchen floor, his last words when asked by the EMTs if he knew where he was, an irritated, "I'm in my kitchen!" Paternal grandmother was also clear-headed to the end at the 83. Grandfathers died at 66 of lung cancer and 59 of a heart attack, neither having dementia.
I am so sad for my friend, because I see how much it hurts her to see her mother this way. Also, another friend and I have noted that she seems to be becoming terrified that it will happen to her. She's told us several times that if we observe her saying or doing odd things, to please let her family know right away. She's also told the same to some of her coworkers (she is a school nurse). She is only 58 years old, though, and her mother is in her late 80s and only developed dementia after surgery/anesthesia four or five years ago.
It concerns me that my friend is so anxious about her own future now. It may be related to the stress of helping care for her mother, but if it continues, the other friend and I are going to have a talk with her about maybe seeing someone professional about her fears. I also quietly hope her mother leaves soon, painlessly.
Oregon? People move there to become legal residents specifically for end of life options. It makes national news sometimes.
There was some uproar about ten years ago over an article published by The Atlantic, Why I Hope To Die At 75. Kind of goes into the 'nipping it in the bud' attitude when it comes to terminal illness, or taking care of business on your own terms. People freaked out and viewed it as propaganda toward depopulation. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine...-at-75/379329/
People similarly tried to paint the ACA proposal to include end of life with dignity counseling provisions as “They want to have death panels to kill your grandmother”, and many believed that’s what it was rather than a legitimate area of health care. So we got nothing only because our leaders politicize everything.
I can’t count the number of nursing home patients I’ve had over the years who consistently expressed they wish God would just take them. Many viewed it as punishment of some kind that they had to live helpless and in pain. They say “Why is God doing this to me, why can’t he just take me?”.
Their only choice often is to stop eating. It’s cruel.
As far as going to Oregon that is only an option if someone agrees to take you, in many cases. If you are healthy one day and paralyzed by a massive stroke the next, you’re dependent on someone helping you do it, which most families won’t. Same with dementia diagnosis. If you’re already diagnosed they’ll say you’re not competent to make the decision.
I think the 90-year old part minimizes the challenge. People get dementia at much earlier age as well. What about those people?
Yes we have half a dozen in our small dementia unit in their late 50’s and 60’s. Many were chronic drinkers, I don’t think many understand the damage chronic drinking does to your brain.
I am wondering what would happen if one 90-year-old kills his/her 90-year-old spouse with advanced Alzheimer's?
Does anyone know or does anyone want to make any guesses?
It does happen but the spouse usually takes his/her life too, unfortunately. If not they’d be prosecuted. When the crackdown on opioids was in full swing, and millions who lived with chronic, intractable pain were yanked off pain meds that kept them alive without issue for years, there was a woman jailed for simply sitting next to her husband holding his hand while he shot himself.
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