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The CCRC we’re on the waiting list for guarantees a room in their assisted living or skilled nursing facility. If one is not available, they will take care of you in your apartment or home until one becomes available. This CCRC holds rooms back to minimize the chance of this happening though. There are excellent CCRCs out there with caring employees, but you have to do the necessary research to find them.
I think CCRCs are one of the best options for people without kids or family.
Some states DO have filial responsibility laws, stating that children are responsible for the care of their elderly parents. But (so I've read) those laws are rarely enforced.
This is such a good question. I think about it way too much. I am 62, live on my own with no husband or kids. Sister lives close, but I really don't want to burden her if and when I need help. I wish there was some kind of advisor you could talk to that wouldn't be trying to sell you something for said advice.
Your location is a bit "vague" but it looks like "Home Instead" may or may not have an office to serve you.
It is my belief that the best gift you can give your adult children is the gift of not having the burden for caring for their elderly parents.
I must respectfully disagree. I don't really think of that as being the best gift a parent can give.
My mom, a very independent woman who had the misfortune of being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, found herself, through no fault of her own, needing me.
Day by day, week by week, she lost herself until she was gone. I had to care for her, including toileting. Thankfully my kids were pre-teen/teen, so they were more self sufficient..but it was still hard mentally and physically. I think what helps is when the 'child' has help - in the form of a supportive spouse, their own children, support services. With those supports, I was able to fulfill my role for my mom.
I did all of it because I loved her that much, and like I said when I think about all that she had done for me, helping make whom I am today, giving her time freely throughout my life....the very least that I could do was to be there during her time of need. In fact, the reliance upon others is probably what made her decide the battle was no longer worth fighting...because she was never going to return to being herself.
As crazy as it sounds, when my mom passed, I also felt empty because I was no longer caring for her. Just like that, I was relieved of my duty. Just typing this makes me sad, because now I'm nursing pretty heavy grief (she died in July).
And I apologize if I come across as preachy...I'm just thinking of what I've gone through and how I just wish I could have even done more.
Anyway, I think the issue more than anything is entitlement. No one should feel entitled. People should do things because they want to.
OR your parent's colostomy bag or diaper needs changing.. Your perspective tends to change with experience.
I had to deal with toileting needs. It was far more traumatic for her. From when you're a baby, once you've mastered toileting, going to the bathroom by yourself becomes almost the same as breathing. To no longer be able to do that, and worse, having your child have to clean up after you...it was dehumanizing.
Now that she's dead, more and more I see how life looked like for her...I can see her perspective.
It might not be a bad idea to be proactive and get a list of these services before you need them - your local Council on Aging should be able to give you a list of resources available in your area. Realize that not all areas offer senior transportation, for instance, and those that do may require that the senior be low income to qualify for it. If you've never taken an Uber or Lyft there is no time like the present to learn how to use those apps.
If you think you might benefit from grocery delivery, now would be the time to test it. As far as a baseline cognitive test goes, I *think* that you can ask your doctor to order that for you and Medicare will pay for it but please, please double check that!
It does not hurt to have a rollator on hand just in case. You never know when you could twist something the wrong way. I'd also have a package of Adult Diapers and Gatorade on hand in case you get an intestinal virus of some sort - the older you get, the harder a virus like that can hit you. I've never been incontinent ever but I have a package of those Diapers in my closet.
Body wipes and dry shampoo so that if you can't take a shower for some reason, you can still freshen up.
When I got my prescription eyeglasses from my optometrist office I asked for a written prescription so that I could order some backup bargain eyeglasses, including sunglasses, from online stores.
I'm sure there are lots of other things to have on hand - just in case - that I haven't even thought of.
As they say, hope for the best, plan for the worst.
My neighbor's long-time doctor retired and a new one came on board. Younger. Gave my neighbor a test for dementia and it came out she has early onset. This has devastated her! I don't know if she knew she was getting tested, or what, but she was and neither of her kids were present when she was told. She has been suffering now, every time she forgets something, to do something, a word, and the like, she gets upset. This is on her mind constantly. She comes to see me crying at times. Now this is according to her, what she has told me. But if true, this has made me angry. She wishes, and I agree, that the doctor had never told her. Just because the health care system will pay for something is not a reason to automatically agree to do it. Research, asking questions and common sense before agreeing to "the newest in medical advances" is wise.
Last edited by Lodestar 77; 12-19-2023 at 07:13 PM..
I must respectfully disagree. I don't really think of that as being the best gift a parent can give.
My mom, a very independent woman who had the misfortune of being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, found herself, through no fault of her own, needing me.
Day by day, week by week, she lost herself until she was gone. I had to care for her, including toileting. Thankfully my kids were pre-teen/teen, so they were more self sufficient..but it was still hard mentally and physically. I think what helps is when the 'child' has help - in the form of a supportive spouse, their own children, support services. With those supports, I was able to fulfill my role for my mom.
I did all of it because I loved her that much, and like I said when I think about all that she had done for me, helping make whom I am today, giving her time freely throughout my life....the very least that I could do was to be there during her time of need. In fact, the reliance upon others is probably what made her decide the battle was no longer worth fighting...because she was never going to return to being herself.
As crazy as it sounds, when my mom passed, I also felt empty because I was no longer caring for her. Just like that, I was relieved of my duty. Just typing this makes me sad, because now I'm nursing pretty heavy grief (she died in July).
And I apologize if I come across as preachy...I'm just thinking of what I've gone through and how I just wish I could have even done more.
Anyway, I think the issue more than anything is entitlement. No one should feel entitled. People should do things because they want to.
You're not coming across as preachy and I am very sorry for your loss. It sounds as though throughout her illness your mom still was cognitively o.k. That does make a difference. It also sounds as though this was an aggressive illness that took her pretty quickly. Doing something like this for a matter of weeks or months is different then doing this for years on end or even decades.
In your case, it was pretty clear that your mom was not going to live very long so you had every reason to make the most of every moment you spent with her. But imagine how it must feel to those who have these same responsibilities with no clear end in sight - it's their life and it could go on like that for a long time.
It's not really a matter of who is right or wrong because our experiences are all different.
Lodestar, that’s incredibly sad. If the doctor hadn’t done that your friend would have gradually noticed herself that she was having difficulty and would have had time to adjust mentally. Luckily I had read about wellness exams and the joke that they are. Because I still work part time in my field I will know if I start to have cognitive issues.
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