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I don't have kids, or even first nephews/nieces (since my brother & his wife don't have kids either), but I do have some extended family, including 4 grandsons of my 2 cousins, who are now aged between 1 and 9 years. There is still one daugter of the 3rd cousin available for procreation (which I think she will likely pursue). I don't know how these boys might turn out, but if I should become incapacitated (which I promise to fight tooth and nail :-), all I would need from the extended family in very old age is to haul me over to a nursing home in Thailand, periodically check on me via Skype or something similar, monitor my financial account(s), and communicate with a Thai lawyer who would handle my retirement visa extensions.
I don't have kids, or even first nephews/nieces (since my brother & his wife don't have kids either), but I do have some extended family, including 4 grandsons of my 2 cousins, who are now aged between 1 and 9 years. There is still one daugter of the 3rd cousin available for procreation (which I think she will likely pursue). I don't know how these boys might turn out, but if I should become incapacitated (which I promise to fight tooth and nail :-), all I would need from the extended family in very old age is to haul me over to a nursing home in Thailand, periodically check on me via Skype or something similar, monitor my financial account(s), and communicate with a Thai lawyer who would handle my retirement visa extensions.
If you got money..............somebody will be there!
I had a neighbor in her 80s who recently moved. She was widowed, her 2 sons have died, her sole heir was a grandson who died last year so she ended up in the same situation. She moved about 2 hours away to be near some friends
If you got money..............somebody will be there!
I had a neighbor in her 80s who recently moved. She was widowed, her 2 sons have died, her sole heir was a grandson who died last year so she ended up in the same situation. She moved about 2 hours away to be near some friends
Not necessarily to the bold. I do not come from wealthy people, (compared to most people on C-D, I think) but all of our immediate relatives died with thousands in the bank, a paid-off home, and no debt -- but none of us were millionaires or even considered to be "well off". However, none of us (potential heirs) rushed to be there for any of our elderly relatives when they needed help even though we were their heirs or we might receive a substantial bequest. My husband and I and our siblings were not raised in "close and loving" families and we were taught to be independent and once we graduated high school, our parents literally told us, "You're on your own. Make the best of it." So when our old relatives would probably have appreciated a LOT more help from us as far as doing errands or even just being there to give them some attention, our attitude to them was "you're on your own. Make the best of it."
That being said, we do sincerely wish them well (as they sincerely wished us well), but none of us felt any obligation to make any sacrifices -- and especially not because my husband and I helped to support our parents as teenagers, and being the oldest of a family that included a child that was wheelchair-bound and could not care for himself, I did a LOT more work that most of my childhood and teenage friends.
And that attitude continues with the present generation in our family. I have one long-distance niece who is now in college, and her mother knows that as of ten years ago, anyway, she was our sole beneficiary, and she has not sent us a single card or gift in five years, despite our being generous and giving her gifts for every birthday, Christmas and special graduation. (Btw, she is no longer our beneficiary, as we have decided to give it to our local nature preservation societies instead. Maybe she doesn't care that she risked losing quite a bit of potential money by completely ignoring us once she turned 15, but not being "nice" does sometimes have consequences. It will be sad for her when she realizes that even 10 minutes of her time and spending even $20 a year would have resulted in her receiving quite a bit of money when we die, but that was her choice.)
But all the above aside, the bottom line is that many people think their own individual happiness and freedom is MUCH more important than potential "wealth".
Last month I spent 10 days staying at my mom's (I'm long distance). Mom's become a bit of a hoarder, and she's also like a cyclone, constantly making new messes and building up piles of stuff. So, every time she'd crawl into bed for a nap, I'd get busy and throw out whatever I could.
I went through multiple piles of paper...there were old receipts from 10 to 20 years ago. I found one receipt from the 1970s. I shredded so much paper. There were stacks of old magazines... you name it. I think I made 25 trips to the garbage bins in her condo. I recycled 30 empty 1 gallon jugs.
Out of sight / out of mind in her situation.
The thing that is aggravating is that your mom wasn't always a doddering little old lady. Why the heck did her daughter have to shred papers from the 70's? Why were you having to haul around stacks of old magazines, some probably decades old? Why were you dragging 25 bags of trash to the dumpster?
I'm guessing that you are no spring chicken yourself. Why can your 50/60 something self be expected to do what her 50/60 something self should have done for herself a long time ago?
And to top it off you had to sneakily do it why she was sleeping or she would have pitched a fit!
Last edited by springfieldva; 12-20-2023 at 08:20 AM..
If I have something that's 25+ years old, it's on purpose and I want to be the one who gets rid of it. Start throwing away my stuff and you'll find yourself on the curb.
If I have something that's 25+ years old, it's on purpose and I want to be the one who gets rid of it. Start throwing away my stuff and you'll find yourself on the curb.
Presumably you have been selective and kept what is important to you rather than shoving every closet, the basement, the attic, the crawl spaces, the garage with mounds of "important" stuff because you just can't bear thought of parting with it.
No one is saying that you shouldn't have antiques or even some old papers. It's the boxes and boxes and mishmash of stuff that should have been gone through a LONG time ago that people take issue with.
Ideally, we'll have an orderly place that won't be an enormous, overwhelming chore for the "kids" to go through. If you want help make it easy for people to help you.
Last edited by springfieldva; 12-20-2023 at 08:48 AM..
The thing that is aggravating is that your mom wasn't always a doddering little old lady. Why the heck did her daughter have to shred papers from the 70's? Why were you having to haul around stacks of old magazines, some probably decades old, around? Why were you dragging 25 bags of trash to the dumpster?
I'm guessing that you are no spring chicken yourself. Why can your 50/60 something self be expected to do what her 50/60 something self should have done for herself a long time ago?
And to top it off you had to sneakily do it why she was sleeping or she would have pitched a fit!
This has been coming on over the last 10 years as she's started to cognitively decline. She's now 95 and still has a controlling personality, which was why I chose to do this when she was asleep. Makes my life easier.
Most of the paper in the stacks were within the last 2 -3 years, a lot in the past 12 months. Magazines were within the last year. I'm the one who will have to deal with everything when she passes, as I'm sole heir/beneficiary, and I took the opportunity to declutter rather than just sitting around.
She's headed for assisted living likely within the next 6 to 12 months, and now has an aide every day. This is end-of-life stuff happening. The clutter isn't going to remove itself, that's for sure, nor is there anyone else to deal with it.
This has been coming on over the last 10 years as she's started to cognitively decline. She's now 95 and still has a controlling personality, which was why I chose to do this when she was asleep. Makes my life easier.
Most of the paper in the stacks were within the last 2 -3 years, a lot in the past 12 months. Magazines were within the last year. I'm the one who will have to deal with everything when she passes, as I'm sole heir/beneficiary, and I took the opportunity to declutter rather than just sitting around.
She's headed for assisted living likely within the next 6 to 12 months, and now has an aide every day. This is end-of-life stuff happening. The clutter isn't going to remove itself, that's for sure, nor is there anyone else to deal with it.
Yeah, that kind of build up is understandable in the last years of life when trying to get a stack of magazines out to the dumpster means potentially risking a bad fall or some other injury. It does sound as though she made an effort while she was healthy and able to do so to pare down in preparation for this time of life. That's really all any of us can do.
I hope that her transition into assisted living goes smoothly. Be sure not to overdo, yourself.
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