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I'm sorry that it never worked out for you to parent a child. I can tell you that I know of plenty of people who adopted, used a surrogate, married a partner who had children and became a wonderful stepparent to those children, fostered children and created a lifelong bond with them. They are just as much parents to their children as biological birth parents are and in many cases even more so than some biological parents are.
There is more than one way to become a parent. I'm sure you are aware of that.
It works for traditional situations. There was no room for anyone in our lives. You had a certain ratio of your mate coming home. I had that for him not coming home.
I don't think many plan on relying on their kids, it just happens. I don't know anyone that took care of their parents that didn't want to.
Usually the arrangement is mutually beneficial in some way and both the parent and the adult child are happy with the care arrangement. It can definitely work well but I don't think it's fair to expect your adult children to do it.
It works for traditional situations. There was no room for anyone in our lives. You had a certain ratio of your mate coming home. I had that for him not coming home.
I can definitely see how it wouldn't work out to have a child. Circumstances happen.
I think that most of the childless people that I know are childless by choice. They have actively decided that they don't want kids and they seem to be content with their choices and don't lack for a social life. They've got people that love them.
As a childless couple I think about this occasionally, As my mother was dying we took care of her it wasn't planned or discussed or even a question we just did, when she went into hospice I was there every day, If my wife dies before me I will be alone with no family or support (emotional or physical), I will deal with it the best I can
As a childless couple I think about this occasionally, As my mother was dying we took care of her it wasn't planned or discussed or even a question we just did, when she went into hospice I was there every day, If my wife dies before me I will be alone with no family or support (emotional or physical), I will deal with it the best I can
This needs to be acknowledged -- emotional support and advocacy. When my FIL was declining in his 90's, his wife and two children had predeceased him. Fortunately, he didn't require a lot of physical care but he knew he had me to help him navigate -- daily hospital visits, questioning healthcare providers when proper care was not being provided. When he was not getting out of bed, I told him how his muscles would atrophy and walked him around the hospital floor. I followed up with the PT department and nursing staff. This in addition to taking him to appointments, doing his banking/switching banks, grocery shopping, etc. Yes, many tasks can be done on-line but these chores provided an opportunity to chat and for me to observe his physical, mental health and cognition.
I doubt there are non-family members who would be so emotionally invested. So, those who have children and are projecting what they do not expect of their children, may be underestimating the support of adult children that cannot be purchased or found on-line.
Last edited by Maddie104; 12-21-2023 at 06:45 AM..
As a childless couple I think about this occasionally, As my mother was dying we took care of her it wasn't planned or discussed or even a question we just did, when she went into hospice I was there every day, If my wife dies before me I will be alone with no family or support (emotional or physical), I will deal with it the best I can
This is what I have noticed over and over and over again about a variety of dismal situations. It seems that people do manage to survive somehow. I am not sure how they manage, but they do.
If they didn't manage, we would be reading about thousands (or at least hundreds) of disabled senior people living on the streets or committing suicide or being found dead of starvation in their homes every year in every city of 500,000+ people -- but as I haven't seen such stories, I think that most people do find needed help somewhere or else -- either that, or else the government and/or media are burying some statistics!
That being said, and as I have said before, I truly do believe we will be facing a major crisis about caring for disabled seniors in the very near future -- and then some very difficult choices will need to be made.
This needs to be acknowledged -- emotional support and advocacy. When my FIL was declining in his 90's, his wife and two children had predeceased him. Fortunately, he didn't require a lot of physical care but he knew he had me to help him navigate -- daily hospital visits, questioning healthcare providers when proper care was not being provided. When he was not getting out of bed, I told him how his muscles would atrophy and walked him around the hospital floor. I followed up with the PT department and nursing staff. This in addition to taking him to appointments, doing his banking/switching banks, grocery shopping, etc. Yes, many tasks can be done on-line but these chores provided an opportunity to chat and for me to observe his physical, mental health and cognition.
I doubt there are non-family members who would be so emotionally invested. So, those who have children and are projecting what they do not expect of their children, may be underestimating the support of adult children that cannot be purchased or found on-line.
This is what I have noticed over and over and over again about a variety of dismal situations. It seems that people do manage to survive somehow. I am not sure how they manage, but they do.
If they didn't manage, we would be reading about thousands (or at least hundreds) of disabled senior people living on the streets or committing suicide or being found dead of starvation in their homes every year in every city of 500,000+ people -- but as I haven't seen such stories, I think that most people do find needed help somewhere or else -- either that, or else the government and/or media are burying some statistics!
It IS happening. Just Google "nursing home abuse" and you'll find sickening examples of the types of abuse seniors with no one to look out for them face and the astounding prevalence of it. The New York Times did an investigation (URL below) two years ago on this and, more to your point, why these abuses were not being made public.
This needs to be acknowledged -- emotional support and advocacy. When my FIL was declining in his 90's, his wife and two children had predeceased him. Fortunately, he didn't require a lot of physical care but he knew he had me to help him navigate -- daily hospital visits, questioning healthcare providers when proper care was not being provided. When he was not getting out of bed, I told him how his muscles would atrophy and walked him around the hospital floor. I followed up with the PT department and nursing staff. This in addition to taking him to appointments, doing his banking/switching banks, grocery shopping, etc. Yes, many tasks can be done on-line but these chores provided an opportunity to chat and for me to observe his physical, mental health and cognition.
I doubt there are non-family members who would be so emotionally invested. So, those who have children and are projecting what they do not expect of their children, may be underestimating the support of adult children that cannot be purchased or found on-line.
I don’t know how common it is but I supplied the same support for 4 friends through the years that either didn’t have kids or they weren’t local. In each case it lasted a few years. One friend had dementia and I was her guardian after her husband died. I placed her in a home and drove a hour each way every week for 2 years until she died. I also managed her care by phone in between visits. I don’t know how common this is. My last friend that I helped died a year ago and now it’s my time at almost 70 to just worry about myself.
I don’t know how common it is but I supplied the same support for 4 friends through the years that either didn’t have kids or they weren’t local. In each case it lasted a few years. One friend had dementia and I was her guardian after her husband died. I placed her in a home and drove a hour each way every week for 2 years until she died. I also managed her care by phone in between visits. I don’t know how common this is. My last friend that I helped died a year ago and now it’s my time at almost 70 to just worry about myself.
In my experience, it is uncommon. My FIL had a younger "girlfriend" for over ten years who refused to do anything for him. He was close to her family as well. She said that was not her job. She did not even visit him in the hospital. She was a widow and, according to my FIL, many people in this older age group were done getting involved in another person's healthcare needs.
Your friends were blessed to have you.
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