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My best friend can’t get a job. He wants me to give him a pity party but I am not sure he deserves it. On one hand he is lazy, doesn’t really want to work, wants to pursue his “interests.” I tell him he will end up poor and alone. On the other hand I feel bad for him because he is a really smart guy, probably the smartest guy I know, and he has zero family, zero support, worked his way through college, etc. He is extremely stubborn. He just can’t figure out what he wants to do with his life and refuses to do service industry type stuff, which I don’t really blame him for because these are dead-end jobs. But he has to pay the bills somehow...
He says the reason he can’t get a job is for three reasons.
1. He committed nearly his entire 20s to working for a certain org that is not well respected in corporate America. He could stay there but the pay is low and he is looking to get married, wants to be able to support a family, etc. etc.
2. He has a BA in liberal arts. Nuff said. (So do I, but I know how useful it is…)
3. He is not interested in anything that is even remotely employable. He is a talented writer, but he’s not good enough or lucky enough to be able to live off that. He sees himself as an “artist,” but he has no job experience, no contacts… I can’t get him a job where I work for various reasons.
I am afraid that if he doesn’t get his **** together he will end up depressed and begging to live on my couch in a few years. We have been best buds since childhood, he is my best man, like a brother. I am also worried that his SO will leave him. She is basically supporting him for the past couple of years, and he worships her, but that can only last so long. My theory is that since he has always been good at everything, he has never had to try at anything, and never had that one thing he was good at and just made sense to do for work. He could be or do anything he wanted, I believe. I wouldn’t say he’s “privileged” since he has survived with little help since he was like 10 yrs. old. But he is easily bored with things, kind of like Good Will Hunting or something (not that kind of genius but you know what I mean). He needs to be challenged or he will end up being a janitor. There is no Robin Williams, mhrip, coming to save him from his demons.
Probably nothing you haven't told him already. Tell him his reasons are excuses and he is allowing himself to fail. Also tell him that when his girldfriend kicks him out for being a deadbeat, you don't want to hear about it and, no, I am not going to let you crash at my place. You should be able to straight up tell your best bud to pull his head out of his ass before it is too late.
He's your best friend. If you risk losing the friendship, are you okay with that? Because he may not take it well. People don't like being called out on their ish.
If you can have a candid conversation with him just tell him he's spent the past x number of years making excuses when everyone else has been making progress. He may be okay with that, but you cannot support it and are tired of hearing about how things aren't going his way, when he's his own worst enemy.
I would add, "If you decide you really do want a job, I'd be happy to help you by looking at your resume to see if we can tweak it, or letting you know how to use Linkedin to your advantage, but if the conversation doesn't involve what efforts you've made and progress you've seen, I'm not interested."
Tell him that he's a grown-a** man, and to grow a couple. Stop acting like a little girly girl and man-up.
Him saying he's not remotely interested in something enjoyable, you should probably tell him there's no point in living and that he should just kill himself.
No one says that you have to do what you enjoy. Work is to pay the bills.
As far as him always being good at everything, well, sounds to me like he sucks finding a job, so there you go.
- Take him out to socialize with some of your colleagues or friends who are his age & paying mortgage, getting married & have a good job. That might motivate him to think seriously about his career. Looks like he hangs out mostly with a crowd who is in same situation as him so he is comfortable & sees nothing wrong for not trying.
- Take him to his high school, college reunions. Get together with his friends from school. When you come face to face with people you grew up with & they are more successful than you, it might push you in the right direction. Competition, jealousy can be very useful if channelized to motivate yourself.
- If he asks you to pay his bills, draw the line & tell him you have your own expenses, financial goals, loans so you can hardly spare extra money. Sometimes tough love is necessary to make someone realize how they are wasting their life.
I am afraid that if he doesn’t get his **** together he will end up depressed and begging to live on my couch in a few years. We have been best buds since childhood, he is my best man, like a brother. I am also worried that his SO will leave him. She is basically supporting him for the past couple of years, and he worships her, but that can only last so long. My theory is that since he has always been good at everything, he has never had to try at anything, and never had that one thing he was good at and just made sense to do for work. He could be or do anything he wanted, I believe. I wouldn’t say he’s “privileged” since he has survived with little help since he was like 10 yrs. old. But he is easily bored with things, kind of like Good Will Hunting or something (not that kind of genius but you know what I mean). He needs to be challenged or he will end up being a janitor. There is no Robin Williams, mhrip, coming to save him from his demons.
What do you tell someone like that?
Let him be a janitor. There isn't anything wrong with this other than it's really low hanging fruit. You say he is really good at whatever he tries, so if he becomes unsatisfied with life it is not unreasonable to think he can alter his course for something better.
I think you care more about this than he does. Don't let him live on your couch, take him out for a beer once and while and continue to live your life and let him live his, even if it seems like a waste.
A)...he just can’t figure out what he wants to do with his life...B) refuses to do service industry type stuff, which i don’t really blame him for because these are dead-end jobs.
A. I'm with him there, and that's with a good many more years behind me than he probably can claim.
B. Therein lies the problem. You're enabling his refusal to be productive with that attitude. I've put in a goodly amount of time doing call center and retail work. Yes, often these sorts of jobs prove to be "dead-end," but I did move up to management at a store. And part of the impetus for my quitting my last CSR position was being passed over for one promotion too many. Strange as it may seem, I actually enjoyed these jobs despite their down side. People like it when someone where they do business or whom they call for assistance is capable of intelligent conversation. (A person with a liberal-arts major can be counted on for that. ) I had all sorts of interesting and rewarding chats with folks I'll never meet or deal with again, in the course of a work day. At present I'm employed in what's probably the lowest-skilled job I've ever had. But it's a learning experience regardless, doesn't require me to be continuously "on," and keeps a roof over my head. The OP's friend frankly needs to get over himself and start looking, without preconceived notions, for a paying gig. That's literally the bottom line. It's too bad life hasn't taught him to make the best of a situation and appreciate the inherent dignity of working for a living, too effing bad. Worse lessons await if he doesn't step up and learn those two.
Tell him that he's a grown-a** man, and to grow a couple. Stop acting like a little girly girl and man-up.
Him saying he's not remotely interested in something enjoyable, you should probably tell him there's no point in living and that he should just kill himself.
No one says that you have to do what you enjoy. Work is to pay the bills.
As far as him always being good at everything, well, sounds to me like he sucks finding a job, so there you go.
What's wrong with being a girl? And why is a "couple" considered a tough thing? I thought those "couple" are fragile to men I honestly think people should "woman-up" rather than "man-up" since men in general die too soon and they are responsible for 90% of the bad things in the world
What's wrong with being a girl? And why is a "couple" considered a tough thing? I thought those "couple" are fragile to men I honestly think people should "woman-up" rather than "man-up" since men in general die too soon and they are responsible for 90% of the bad things in the world
Calm down
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) I had all sorts of interesting and rewarding chats with folks I'll never meet or deal with again, in the course of a work day. At present I'm employed in what's probably the lowest-skilled job I've ever had. But it's a learning experience regardless, doesn't require me to be continuously "on," and keeps a roof over my head. The OP's friend frankly needs to get over himself and start looking, without preconceived notions, for a paying gig. That's literally the bottom line. It's too bad life hasn't taught him to make the best of a situation and appreciate the inherent dignity of working for a living, too effing bad. Worse lessons await if he doesn't step up and learn those two.
