Explains why you end up with unavailable partners, and gives advice on breaking the pattern.
The G factor in Unavailable Partner Fatigue
Posted 09-20-2008 at 02:55 PM by Doctor Jeanette
[B][FONT=Times New Roman]By Dr. Jeanette Raymond[/FONT][/B]
[FONT=Times New Roman]We have looked at the first four elements of the fatigue that comes from being drawn to unavailable lovers.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]The F factor - fear of being unlovable[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]The A factor- anticipation of the past repeating itself[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]The T factor- the torture of trusting[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]The I factor - insatiable idealism[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Next comes the G factor - gremlins of guilt :eek:[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Ghosts From The Past[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]There were only a couple more things left to get on the shopping list. Jill rehearsed the evening in her mind, imagining creating a sophisticated meal for Richard. Candle light, their favorite music and mellow wine. What more could she ask for than having Richard all to herself? The fantasy crashed as she heard a voice from her past. [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]“ Jill! It is really you? It must be a couple of years at least since we bumped into each other! What’s going on?” her former boyfriend blurted out with incredulity.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Nostalgic Memories Create Temptation[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Astonished, thrilled, and curious Jill spent the next two hours with Nathan at a coffee shop. The familiar excitement of being near him flew up her body in a delicious tingle. He looked as cute as ever and it felt natural to let their hands touch and their feet accidently collide as they re-created their old magic. Time went backwards as they settled into the comfort zone of a well known romantic cuddle. They parted friends, completing their unfinished business and putting the past to rest.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Three hours later Jill was in the kitchen preparing the dinner. Everything was perfect, just the way she planned. Richard greeted her with a lingering hug, snuggling into her hair and neck. Jill extricated herself from his arms making noises about checking the soup. It didn’t feel right to enjoy his love when only a few hours ago she had kissed her old flame. Doused with guilt and shame, she couldn’t allow herself to accept Richard’s innocent warmth. [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Jill Wants To Be Punished [/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Richard’s kind attentions made it worse. Each time he asked if anything was wrong, if she had a bad day, if he could help her in any way, she grew more tense and irritable. A voice inside her was screaming “ stop being so nice to me you idiot, don’t you know I just betrayed you?” She believed she had committed an unforgivable sin and deserved to be punished. How annoying to be treated with gentleness and affection.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Jill Punishes Richard For Not Punishing Her[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Jill didn’t see any difference between dealing with unfinished business in an affectionate way and outright cheating. She condemned herself and was determined that Richard should not let her off the hook There must be no threat to her black and white categorization of human behavior.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Release From Guilt Means Making Richard Unavailable[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]A short, sharp and decisive punishment would free her of guilt and allow her to start afresh. She had written the entire scene and it’s sequel as soon as Richard walked through the door. He would call her names, be [URL="http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/index.html"]outraged,[/URL] threaten to leave and finally reject her. Caught in the familiar trap Richard followed the script exactly. He turned into the monster she expected.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Richard was set up to act the part of unmerciful devil. He did it well. Jill felt adequately punished and let go of her guilt. Unfortunately she also let go of a kind and forgiving man, who loved her foibles, even if she despised them. Jill condemned herself to a life without Richard’s tolerance and understanding. She made those precious gifts unavailable to her. Richard got tired of being turned from a loving partner into a monster. He left. [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Hushing The Gremlins Of Guilt[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]If Jill discovers that relationships thrive on growth developed from mutual understanding and tolerance rather than black and white notions of good and evil, she may give herself permission to enjoy the fruits of an emotionally available and supportive partner. ;)[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]We have looked at the first four elements of the fatigue that comes from being drawn to unavailable lovers.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]The F factor - fear of being unlovable[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]The A factor- anticipation of the past repeating itself[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]The T factor- the torture of trusting[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]The I factor - insatiable idealism[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Next comes the G factor - gremlins of guilt :eek:[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Ghosts From The Past[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]There were only a couple more things left to get on the shopping list. Jill rehearsed the evening in her mind, imagining creating a sophisticated meal for Richard. Candle light, their favorite music and mellow wine. What more could she ask for than having Richard all to herself? The fantasy crashed as she heard a voice from her past. [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]“ Jill! It is really you? It must be a couple of years at least since we bumped into each other! What’s going on?” her former boyfriend blurted out with incredulity.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Nostalgic Memories Create Temptation[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Astonished, thrilled, and curious Jill spent the next two hours with Nathan at a coffee shop. The familiar excitement of being near him flew up her body in a delicious tingle. He looked as cute as ever and it felt natural to let their hands touch and their feet accidently collide as they re-created their old magic. Time went backwards as they settled into the comfort zone of a well known romantic cuddle. They parted friends, completing their unfinished business and putting the past to rest.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Three hours later Jill was in the kitchen preparing the dinner. Everything was perfect, just the way she planned. Richard greeted her with a lingering hug, snuggling into her hair and neck. Jill extricated herself from his arms making noises about checking the soup. It didn’t feel right to enjoy his love when only a few hours ago she had kissed her old flame. Doused with guilt and shame, she couldn’t allow herself to accept Richard’s innocent warmth. [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Jill Wants To Be Punished [/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Richard’s kind attentions made it worse. Each time he asked if anything was wrong, if she had a bad day, if he could help her in any way, she grew more tense and irritable. A voice inside her was screaming “ stop being so nice to me you idiot, don’t you know I just betrayed you?” She believed she had committed an unforgivable sin and deserved to be punished. How annoying to be treated with gentleness and affection.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Jill Punishes Richard For Not Punishing Her[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Jill didn’t see any difference between dealing with unfinished business in an affectionate way and outright cheating. She condemned herself and was determined that Richard should not let her off the hook There must be no threat to her black and white categorization of human behavior.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Release From Guilt Means Making Richard Unavailable[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]A short, sharp and decisive punishment would free her of guilt and allow her to start afresh. She had written the entire scene and it’s sequel as soon as Richard walked through the door. He would call her names, be [URL="http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com/index.html"]outraged,[/URL] threaten to leave and finally reject her. Caught in the familiar trap Richard followed the script exactly. He turned into the monster she expected.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Richard was set up to act the part of unmerciful devil. He did it well. Jill felt adequately punished and let go of her guilt. Unfortunately she also let go of a kind and forgiving man, who loved her foibles, even if she despised them. Jill condemned herself to a life without Richard’s tolerance and understanding. She made those precious gifts unavailable to her. Richard got tired of being turned from a loving partner into a monster. He left. [/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B]Hushing The Gremlins Of Guilt[/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]If Jill discovers that relationships thrive on growth developed from mutual understanding and tolerance rather than black and white notions of good and evil, she may give herself permission to enjoy the fruits of an emotionally available and supportive partner. ;)[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.[/FONT]
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