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The I factor in Unavailable Partner Fatigue
Posted 09-15-2008 at 04:50 PM by Doctor Jeanette
In the previous three posts I described the first three ingredients of the fatigue that comes from having a history of emotionally unavailable partners.
The F factor - fear of being unlovable
The A factor- anticipation of the past repeating itself
The T factor- the torture of trusting
This time I focus on the fourth factor - the I factor. No, not the same old tired insecurity, but the more dangerous Insatiable Idealism.
The Fairy Tale Comes Alive
The way she had looked at Neil made his heart lurch. He saw pure adoration and devotion in her eyes. It was unbelievably seductive and addictive. For the first time in his life he felt truly loved. Diane was always there for him, attentive, taking pleasure in making him happy. Neil trusted that this was the real thing, pushing away all doubts that had threatened his full participation in previous relationships.
Neil’s ideal relationship came alive. His fairy tale of the beautiful, unattached, intelligent, stimulating woman, doting on him was an actuality.
Soul Mate Wants Out Of the Relationship
Waking up in the morning was the most hellish moment of the day. The acrid bile that filled his mouth as he got out of bed was a tangible sign of the bitterness he felt after Diane walked out on him. He couldn’t figure out why she had suddenly gone off him. She said she still cared for him. She was affectionate. But she wanted out of the relationship. How could his soul mate want to escape?
The Ideal Obscures The Reality
Insatiable for adoration and attention Neil’s blind spot expanded into a massive landscape of unawareness. How come? He was in seventh heaven feasting on the ideal romantic relationship given to him on a silver platter. He wasn’t going to let any contrary information burst his bubble.
The Fairy Tale Sequel Shatters
As the relationship settled into a routine Neil relaxed and fantasized about their future together. While he was busy adding a sequel to his fairy tale, he didn’t notice Diane’s mood change. Diane stayed up much later than Neil. Her pattern of frequent calls during the day to fell off. Meeting for coffee and meals during the working week didn’t get scheduled. The bubbly welcoming personality morphed into an ephemeral cranky vision that he couldn’t grasp. She was becoming more irritable and more demanding. But he was far away, tuned into the next fantasy chapter of their story.
The Love Addictions
Diane was an addict - an addict of any intense experience that took away her unbearable feelings of default anxiety and fear. Falling in love with Neil did the trick for quite a while. She buried herself in thinking of him, being with him - hiding in him.
What a perfect match. Neil was addicted to the fairy tale romance, and Diane was eager to support it. Neil got his soul mate and Diane got her hiding place.
Addicts Chase Anything That Supports Their Habit
Addictions are ravenous. They need to be fed with bigger and more frequent doses. Her irritability and anxiety started to seep out. Neil was no longer enough. She dived into online gambling - becoming unavailable to Neil. Neil was left with agonizing withdrawal symptoms.
Insatiable Idealism Leaves a Bitter Taste
How was Neil supposed to know Diane was messed up? How was he to figure out that her attentiveness was a sham? Here are some pointers:
1. Watch out if someone you just met devotes themselves entirely to your pleasures, and appear to have no life outside your relationship. That really is fairy tale stuff.
2. Fairy tales end “and they lived happily ever after.” Nothing ever changes or evolves.
Real relationships aren’t as static. They are dynamic, shift and adapt as the partnership develops.
3. Ideal relationships are created as a couple grow together. You make it happen, rather than superimpose a fantasy of the fairy tale on the person in your life.
4. If a relationship seems perfect from the word go, it is virtually impossible to keep it ticking away at that level. Any move will only be a move towards something less perfect and therefore disappointing.
5.Taking an active part in creating your ideal relationship ensures it will always be available.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
The F factor - fear of being unlovable
The A factor- anticipation of the past repeating itself
The T factor- the torture of trusting
This time I focus on the fourth factor - the I factor. No, not the same old tired insecurity, but the more dangerous Insatiable Idealism.
The Fairy Tale Comes Alive
The way she had looked at Neil made his heart lurch. He saw pure adoration and devotion in her eyes. It was unbelievably seductive and addictive. For the first time in his life he felt truly loved. Diane was always there for him, attentive, taking pleasure in making him happy. Neil trusted that this was the real thing, pushing away all doubts that had threatened his full participation in previous relationships.
Neil’s ideal relationship came alive. His fairy tale of the beautiful, unattached, intelligent, stimulating woman, doting on him was an actuality.
Soul Mate Wants Out Of the Relationship
Waking up in the morning was the most hellish moment of the day. The acrid bile that filled his mouth as he got out of bed was a tangible sign of the bitterness he felt after Diane walked out on him. He couldn’t figure out why she had suddenly gone off him. She said she still cared for him. She was affectionate. But she wanted out of the relationship. How could his soul mate want to escape?
The Ideal Obscures The Reality
Insatiable for adoration and attention Neil’s blind spot expanded into a massive landscape of unawareness. How come? He was in seventh heaven feasting on the ideal romantic relationship given to him on a silver platter. He wasn’t going to let any contrary information burst his bubble.
The Fairy Tale Sequel Shatters
As the relationship settled into a routine Neil relaxed and fantasized about their future together. While he was busy adding a sequel to his fairy tale, he didn’t notice Diane’s mood change. Diane stayed up much later than Neil. Her pattern of frequent calls during the day to fell off. Meeting for coffee and meals during the working week didn’t get scheduled. The bubbly welcoming personality morphed into an ephemeral cranky vision that he couldn’t grasp. She was becoming more irritable and more demanding. But he was far away, tuned into the next fantasy chapter of their story.
The Love Addictions
Diane was an addict - an addict of any intense experience that took away her unbearable feelings of default anxiety and fear. Falling in love with Neil did the trick for quite a while. She buried herself in thinking of him, being with him - hiding in him.
What a perfect match. Neil was addicted to the fairy tale romance, and Diane was eager to support it. Neil got his soul mate and Diane got her hiding place.
Addicts Chase Anything That Supports Their Habit
Addictions are ravenous. They need to be fed with bigger and more frequent doses. Her irritability and anxiety started to seep out. Neil was no longer enough. She dived into online gambling - becoming unavailable to Neil. Neil was left with agonizing withdrawal symptoms.
Insatiable Idealism Leaves a Bitter Taste
How was Neil supposed to know Diane was messed up? How was he to figure out that her attentiveness was a sham? Here are some pointers:
1. Watch out if someone you just met devotes themselves entirely to your pleasures, and appear to have no life outside your relationship. That really is fairy tale stuff.
2. Fairy tales end “and they lived happily ever after.” Nothing ever changes or evolves.
Real relationships aren’t as static. They are dynamic, shift and adapt as the partnership develops.
3. Ideal relationships are created as a couple grow together. You make it happen, rather than superimpose a fantasy of the fairy tale on the person in your life.
4. If a relationship seems perfect from the word go, it is virtually impossible to keep it ticking away at that level. Any move will only be a move towards something less perfect and therefore disappointing.
5.Taking an active part in creating your ideal relationship ensures it will always be available.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Total Comments 1
Comments
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This is interesting and a new way, for me, to look at relationships.Posted 09-15-2008 at 06:25 PM by njmike
