Welcome to City-Data.com forum! Make sure to Explains why you end up with unavailable partners, and gives advice on breaking the pattern.
The T factor in Unavailable Partner Fatigue
Posted 09-09-2008 at 06:21 PM by Doctor Jeanette
Updated 09-30-2008 at 07:39 PM by Doctor Jeanette (Post In Category)
Updated 09-30-2008 at 07:39 PM by Doctor Jeanette (Post In Category)
By Dr. Jeanette Raymond
In my first post I discussed the F factor, Fear of Being Found Unlovable. Next I described the A factor -Anticipation of the past repeating itself.
In this post I outline the T factor - Trusting equals Torture.
Is He Cheating On Me?
Watching Eric laugh and joke with Sonia made Usha’s heart race. She gasped for air as she went into a mini panic attack. Oh my god! Was it going to happen again? Was Eric about to cheat on her?
Confront the Cheat!
Usha forced Eric’s attention away from Sonia and the other dinner guests. She said she was ill and wanted to go home. During the ride home Usha’s fear and fury drowned out the stereo.
“ I was only laughing at a joke” Eric responded as he tried to bring Usha back to earth.
“ That’s the way you looked at me when we first started seeing each other. I know that’s the look you give when you want someone to think they are special!” Usha challenged.
“ I’ve known Sonia for years, we went to school together. There’s nothing romantic going on. I am with you. I wanted to include you in my circle of friends. But you turn it into something sordid.”
Replaying the Old Movie
Usha didn’t believe this. Her mind was replaying scenes from the old movie - relationships when she had been lied to, and cheated on. It first began with her father who lied to her mother about his extra-marital affairs and pretended to care for Usha, but disappeared.
Mistaking Friendship For Cheating
Each time Usha saw Eric so much as look at another woman she saw and heard the old movie. The reality couldn’t penetrate the layers of mistrust that got thicker as they were reinforced and strengthened with each click of the rewind button.
Trust Equals Self-Inflicted Torture
Usha never learned to tell the difference between friendship, affectionate relationships and flat out cheating. Trusting Eric would be like self-inflicted torture. She would be left wondering and imagining the worst, waiting for the axe to fall. Better to anticipate the betrayal and beat up on him up before he did serious damage.
Mistrust Drives Her Partner Away
Usha confused Eric with her unfaithful lying father. The relationship became a battle between the reliable past and the fragile future. Exhausted from trying to convince Usha that he wasn’t the reincarnation of her father, he became unavailable.
Choices For Healthier Relationships
Usha can escape from the vicious cycle of fear, anticipation of the past repeating itself, and mistrust if she is willing to press the pause button when the old movie starts playing.
First step
Make a list of all the ways her current partner has shown loyalty, trustworthiness and reliability.
Second Step
Her old mistrusting dialogue has access to all the channels on her airwaves. So she has to re-write her story with a new script. Doing it alone is scary and dangerous. Collaborating with a psychotherapist creates new stations on the dial, while the they work together to free up the airwaves of old unhealthy chatter.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
In my first post I discussed the F factor, Fear of Being Found Unlovable. Next I described the A factor -Anticipation of the past repeating itself.
In this post I outline the T factor - Trusting equals Torture.
Is He Cheating On Me?
Watching Eric laugh and joke with Sonia made Usha’s heart race. She gasped for air as she went into a mini panic attack. Oh my god! Was it going to happen again? Was Eric about to cheat on her?
Confront the Cheat!
Usha forced Eric’s attention away from Sonia and the other dinner guests. She said she was ill and wanted to go home. During the ride home Usha’s fear and fury drowned out the stereo.
“ I was only laughing at a joke” Eric responded as he tried to bring Usha back to earth.
“ That’s the way you looked at me when we first started seeing each other. I know that’s the look you give when you want someone to think they are special!” Usha challenged.
“ I’ve known Sonia for years, we went to school together. There’s nothing romantic going on. I am with you. I wanted to include you in my circle of friends. But you turn it into something sordid.”
Replaying the Old Movie
Usha didn’t believe this. Her mind was replaying scenes from the old movie - relationships when she had been lied to, and cheated on. It first began with her father who lied to her mother about his extra-marital affairs and pretended to care for Usha, but disappeared.
Mistaking Friendship For Cheating
Each time Usha saw Eric so much as look at another woman she saw and heard the old movie. The reality couldn’t penetrate the layers of mistrust that got thicker as they were reinforced and strengthened with each click of the rewind button.
Trust Equals Self-Inflicted Torture
Usha never learned to tell the difference between friendship, affectionate relationships and flat out cheating. Trusting Eric would be like self-inflicted torture. She would be left wondering and imagining the worst, waiting for the axe to fall. Better to anticipate the betrayal and beat up on him up before he did serious damage.
Mistrust Drives Her Partner Away
Usha confused Eric with her unfaithful lying father. The relationship became a battle between the reliable past and the fragile future. Exhausted from trying to convince Usha that he wasn’t the reincarnation of her father, he became unavailable.
Choices For Healthier Relationships
Usha can escape from the vicious cycle of fear, anticipation of the past repeating itself, and mistrust if she is willing to press the pause button when the old movie starts playing.
First step
Make a list of all the ways her current partner has shown loyalty, trustworthiness and reliability.
Second Step
Her old mistrusting dialogue has access to all the channels on her airwaves. So she has to re-write her story with a new script. Doing it alone is scary and dangerous. Collaborating with a psychotherapist creates new stations on the dial, while the they work together to free up the airwaves of old unhealthy chatter.
Copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Total Comments 0
