Explains why you end up with unavailable partners, and gives advice on breaking the pattern.
The A factor in Unavailable Partner Fatigue
Posted 09-04-2008 at 11:21 AM by Doctor Jeanette
By Dr. Jeanette Raymond
[FONT=Times New Roman]In my first post I discussed the [B]F[/B] [B]factor [/B]in [I]unavailable partner fatigue[/I][B] -[/B] Fear of Being Found Unlovable.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]This time I address the [B][COLOR=seagreen]A factor -Anticipation of the past repeating itself [/COLOR]:([/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B][I]Tormented By Worms of Doubt That Eat Away Security[/I][/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]After a relationship that didn’t work out, Sandra found herself a loving, generous boyfriend. Yet she never had a day without a barrage of [B][I]what if [/I][/B]questions plaguing her. She was tormented by these worms of doubt that ate into her feelings of security.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B][I]The What If Questions That Stir Up Anxiety [/I][/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]What if he is turned off when he sees how snappy I can be?[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]What if I put on weight?[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]What if I let myself depend on him and he goes?[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B][I]Letting Past Experiences Shape The Future[/I][/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Sandra learned that attachments are predictable - they start off full of promise, but end with being left alone, disappointed and angry. Anything outside that pattern was unfamiliar. So, how does this play out for Sandra?[/FONT]
[FONT=Wingdings]Ÿ [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Something new and unfamiliar doesn’t have a home inside her[/FONT]
[FONT=Wingdings]Ÿ [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]She doesn’t know how to interact with it[/FONT]
[FONT=Wingdings]Ÿ [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Not knowing makes life uncertain and unpredictable[/FONT]
[FONT=Wingdings]Ÿ [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Uncertainty leads to anxiety and stress[/FONT]
[FONT=Wingdings]Ÿ [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Anxiety and stress lead to a desperation to return to the status quo[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B][I]Better The Devil You Know[/I][/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Sandra’s response was to cling to familiarity and certainty. She was already tooled up for that scenario. So she began to express her worms of doubt to her boyfriend. His understanding and sensitivity were stretched to the limits. In the end Sandra’s need for certainly triumphed. Her boyfriend left, and her past was brought to life once more. She unconsciously drove him away with her worms of doubt. An unfamiliar supportive available partner was transformed into a familiar unavailable lover.[/FONT]
[B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]Creating A Home For Love[/FONT][/I][/B]
[FONT=Times New Roman]It’s a daunting task to create a home for something untried and untested. That requires some element of faith and trust. Getting professional help can be helpful because there is less baggage to begin with in the relationship. You will have an available partner at all times to alert you to your old ways before it is too late. You get to express your [URL="http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com"]anger[/URL] about your past, and practice dealing with a reliable care giver. That creates the foundation for finding and keeping a future available partner.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Tune into the next post when I talk about the[B] T factor in unavailable partner fatigue.[/B][/FONT]
copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
[FONT=Times New Roman]In my first post I discussed the [B]F[/B] [B]factor [/B]in [I]unavailable partner fatigue[/I][B] -[/B] Fear of Being Found Unlovable.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]This time I address the [B][COLOR=seagreen]A factor -Anticipation of the past repeating itself [/COLOR]:([/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B][I]Tormented By Worms of Doubt That Eat Away Security[/I][/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]After a relationship that didn’t work out, Sandra found herself a loving, generous boyfriend. Yet she never had a day without a barrage of [B][I]what if [/I][/B]questions plaguing her. She was tormented by these worms of doubt that ate into her feelings of security.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B][I]The What If Questions That Stir Up Anxiety [/I][/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]What if he is turned off when he sees how snappy I can be?[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]What if I put on weight?[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]What if I let myself depend on him and he goes?[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B][I]Letting Past Experiences Shape The Future[/I][/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Sandra learned that attachments are predictable - they start off full of promise, but end with being left alone, disappointed and angry. Anything outside that pattern was unfamiliar. So, how does this play out for Sandra?[/FONT]
[FONT=Wingdings]Ÿ [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Something new and unfamiliar doesn’t have a home inside her[/FONT]
[FONT=Wingdings]Ÿ [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]She doesn’t know how to interact with it[/FONT]
[FONT=Wingdings]Ÿ [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Not knowing makes life uncertain and unpredictable[/FONT]
[FONT=Wingdings]Ÿ [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Uncertainty leads to anxiety and stress[/FONT]
[FONT=Wingdings]Ÿ [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman]Anxiety and stress lead to a desperation to return to the status quo[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman][B][I]Better The Devil You Know[/I][/B][/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Sandra’s response was to cling to familiarity and certainty. She was already tooled up for that scenario. So she began to express her worms of doubt to her boyfriend. His understanding and sensitivity were stretched to the limits. In the end Sandra’s need for certainly triumphed. Her boyfriend left, and her past was brought to life once more. She unconsciously drove him away with her worms of doubt. An unfamiliar supportive available partner was transformed into a familiar unavailable lover.[/FONT]
[B][I][FONT=Times New Roman]Creating A Home For Love[/FONT][/I][/B]
[FONT=Times New Roman]It’s a daunting task to create a home for something untried and untested. That requires some element of faith and trust. Getting professional help can be helpful because there is less baggage to begin with in the relationship. You will have an available partner at all times to alert you to your old ways before it is too late. You get to express your [URL="http://www.drjeanetteraymond.com"]anger[/URL] about your past, and practice dealing with a reliable care giver. That creates the foundation for finding and keeping a future available partner.[/FONT]
[FONT=Times New Roman]Tune into the next post when I talk about the[B] T factor in unavailable partner fatigue.[/B][/FONT]
copyright, Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
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