Mourning the happiness I had all month.
It really was the happiest month,with my Celtic studies which I became entirely devoted too and so passionate about,lots of housewifery in my head.I was planning my course,I was in love.
I can't believe that in a week it can all just fall apart,I can't think clearly,let alone read my books, I'm very worried about it all.
my gosh if I had a husband I really think I'd be able to get through it.maybe he would force me to take sleepers,or prevent things from going wrong.Just the sense of support and love, and well get through this would really help.He could advise me and temper my fears.
I miss my world of phantasms and cosiness,and books,novel writing and all the rest.I sit here alone,anxious about what's going to happen, with no one to advise me or offer any support.I have responsibilities to attend to that I have to figure out a way to get out of.
Last week before it all started I had all these phantasms about Valentine's Day,secret love letters, so much romance in my head.Now all I feel is worry and some sort of cluttering in the head.
The spiritual mood too that's nearly always there has drifted too,I don't know why.Maybe it's just the mood of things or maybe it's because I've caved to the western medical model of what I go through.Its never good to go against your deepest principles.But really I saw no other way.
To watch my incredibly lithe beautiful body one day go fat and my eyes sort of half glazed and weary is certainly not what I wanted.My sex drive which is always off the charts,to watch it go it's really very depressing,but what else can I do.
This is not what I believe in,my magical fertility,my incredible visions there is something worthwhile in it,but the rest I can't cope with.
Never have I envied those with a normal life as I do right now.
It's very horrid,but I must believe I'll get well and survive this.
I can't believe that in a week it can all just fall apart,I can't think clearly,let alone read my books, I'm very worried about it all.
my gosh if I had a husband I really think I'd be able to get through it.maybe he would force me to take sleepers,or prevent things from going wrong.Just the sense of support and love, and well get through this would really help.He could advise me and temper my fears.
I miss my world of phantasms and cosiness,and books,novel writing and all the rest.I sit here alone,anxious about what's going to happen, with no one to advise me or offer any support.I have responsibilities to attend to that I have to figure out a way to get out of.
Last week before it all started I had all these phantasms about Valentine's Day,secret love letters, so much romance in my head.Now all I feel is worry and some sort of cluttering in the head.
The spiritual mood too that's nearly always there has drifted too,I don't know why.Maybe it's just the mood of things or maybe it's because I've caved to the western medical model of what I go through.Its never good to go against your deepest principles.But really I saw no other way.
To watch my incredibly lithe beautiful body one day go fat and my eyes sort of half glazed and weary is certainly not what I wanted.My sex drive which is always off the charts,to watch it go it's really very depressing,but what else can I do.
This is not what I believe in,my magical fertility,my incredible visions there is something worthwhile in it,but the rest I can't cope with.
Never have I envied those with a normal life as I do right now.
It's very horrid,but I must believe I'll get well and survive this.
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