African women,melancholic music and longing for authenticity
Have been in an African wise woman mood,finding black women to be beautiful,of the earth,wise,strong,nurturing,bold,I imagine women like marianna in how to make an American quilt with dreadlocks,colourful artful clothing,tribal jewellery and full of mystery.I wonder what happened to this woman in myself,I dreamt three times that I was an African goddess that was dying.I sometimes get quite whitewashed and lose sight of the wisdom of the African mama,that comforts us and knows deeply what is within us.I am finding my way back.It seems like the last week or so since Christmas I have been becoming my authentic self or at least it's becoming known to me that I'm not living authentically.As toko pa says in her book "longing is a divine inclination, drawing us towards the Beloved. Just as a lover and beloved long to be in each other's arms, so too is it between us and the life which is meant for us". I have felt each day that I was becoming more true to myself and knowing toward my journey and purpose here.I did dream the meds were fake glass diamonds that I was swallowing and making me ill,I guess getting off them is the first step to being more true to ones principles.
We will see if coming off the med helps anything,the withdrawls are brutal and people do not sleep when coming off this med.Thats how much these heinous psyche drugs change the sleeping mechanisms and other mechanisms of the brain.For me not sleeping worsens my brain damage.I also start walking worlds on no sleep and end up hospitalised and back on it anyway.But I don't think my body can bear not going any longer.I feel damned if I do,damned if I don't.My plan is to come off it and take whatever natural sleep aids I can to prevent further brain damage or problems.Taking this med was truly the worst decision I ever made in my life and I regret it painfully.I have felt everyday that the only way out of all this was Death.But god knows maybe healing is possible.
I would love to see a traditional healer like a Ngangkari (Australian Aboriginal healer) I so believe in the power of spiritual healing, I do think they could heal my brain injuries and my body.but where to find a Ngangkari is beyond me.Part of me is still wary of shamanism as a dark art, and going into realms we maybe shouldn't enter.I read of one Ngangkari healer who when a loved one is missing the presence of someone departed,the Ngangkari places the soul of the person missed in the loved ones body to comfort them,I don't know if we should be dabbling in the whereabouts of peoples souls.I want to believe I can heal and restore,that off the med my body might remember it's vitality.This med truly destroyed my sleep,my bowels,my brain - I am a wreck,to imagine myself as vital and alive again is hard to fathom.I wish I had so much stuck to my deepest principles and never touched this med,what a completely different year it would have been.I think it would have been a happy year.
Oh I'm missing the life I had before all these troubles,years ago - painting and drawing,living on the coast,writing and studying dreams,dressing up everyday,I had such a carefree life before all this happened.But I must live in the now,it is possible to heal or at least create a life I can bear.Im listening to melancholic classical music and sad violin music.I'm so hungry,going to make pasta tomorrow,I feel like a lovely salad sandwich.I feel immersed in none of my passions today,normally everyday I circle my mind trying to remember what they are and still feel that pulse for them all when I remember.I only have to read my old entries to remember, but today I feel not taken aback by anything.I think of red (my redheaded soulmate) and feel better,he makes me think of death and the otherworld,I feel as if he is almost calling me away from earthly life and upward toward poetry and chaos.I thought yesterday if my life was mended I wouldn't live among the western world anymore I am much too out of line with its principles. I would move to a cottage in the Hebrides or Maramures where tradition still reigns.Would'nt that be marvellous,I would read,paint,garden and not miss technology and consumerism one bit.I have gone without the World Wide Web for four months once and it really wasn't that hard,I wrote more,I drew,I pondered,I journaled.I think the life before was healthier for everyone and I long to be in such a village lane.
We will see if coming off the med helps anything,the withdrawls are brutal and people do not sleep when coming off this med.Thats how much these heinous psyche drugs change the sleeping mechanisms and other mechanisms of the brain.For me not sleeping worsens my brain damage.I also start walking worlds on no sleep and end up hospitalised and back on it anyway.But I don't think my body can bear not going any longer.I feel damned if I do,damned if I don't.My plan is to come off it and take whatever natural sleep aids I can to prevent further brain damage or problems.Taking this med was truly the worst decision I ever made in my life and I regret it painfully.I have felt everyday that the only way out of all this was Death.But god knows maybe healing is possible.
I would love to see a traditional healer like a Ngangkari (Australian Aboriginal healer) I so believe in the power of spiritual healing, I do think they could heal my brain injuries and my body.but where to find a Ngangkari is beyond me.Part of me is still wary of shamanism as a dark art, and going into realms we maybe shouldn't enter.I read of one Ngangkari healer who when a loved one is missing the presence of someone departed,the Ngangkari places the soul of the person missed in the loved ones body to comfort them,I don't know if we should be dabbling in the whereabouts of peoples souls.I want to believe I can heal and restore,that off the med my body might remember it's vitality.This med truly destroyed my sleep,my bowels,my brain - I am a wreck,to imagine myself as vital and alive again is hard to fathom.I wish I had so much stuck to my deepest principles and never touched this med,what a completely different year it would have been.I think it would have been a happy year.
Oh I'm missing the life I had before all these troubles,years ago - painting and drawing,living on the coast,writing and studying dreams,dressing up everyday,I had such a carefree life before all this happened.But I must live in the now,it is possible to heal or at least create a life I can bear.Im listening to melancholic classical music and sad violin music.I'm so hungry,going to make pasta tomorrow,I feel like a lovely salad sandwich.I feel immersed in none of my passions today,normally everyday I circle my mind trying to remember what they are and still feel that pulse for them all when I remember.I only have to read my old entries to remember, but today I feel not taken aback by anything.I think of red (my redheaded soulmate) and feel better,he makes me think of death and the otherworld,I feel as if he is almost calling me away from earthly life and upward toward poetry and chaos.I thought yesterday if my life was mended I wouldn't live among the western world anymore I am much too out of line with its principles. I would move to a cottage in the Hebrides or Maramures where tradition still reigns.Would'nt that be marvellous,I would read,paint,garden and not miss technology and consumerism one bit.I have gone without the World Wide Web for four months once and it really wasn't that hard,I wrote more,I drew,I pondered,I journaled.I think the life before was healthier for everyone and I long to be in such a village lane.
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