M y quality of life sucks...what's the point of carrying on?
Posted 07-13-2023 at 01:18 PM by TNSLPPTSO13
I'm sick...no more denials...or wishful thinking...I'm definitely at the beggining of the end(hopefully).
Went to the pulmonologist yesterday...Still have fluid in my lungs...my lungs show damage from smoking...even though I quit smoking 19 years ago...My heart is enlarged...pleural effusion...atherosclerotic changes in the thorazic aorta...degenerative changes in the thorazic spine(Whatever all that means...but in summary..I'm effed).
Got my results from labwork done last week..showing the beginning of kidney failure..protein in urine...high creatine...low eGFR10...ten times the normal figure for albumen/creatine ratio(Whatever all that means...in summary;I'm also effed here)
Can barely remain standing up for more than a few seconds before I start tumbling over due to my neuropathy...Can barely walk 20-40 steps before the pain in my legs and knees becomes intolerable...Have edema in both my legs...have recurring lacerations/boils in my legs due to poor circulation...had a toe amputated a year ago...my foot got deformed since the second toe moved to the left leaving my foot looking like a pig's foot.
Had 2 stents placed in each of my legs to improve the circulation so my amputated toe would heal and maybe walk better...It took 10 months for the cut to heal...and I can barely walk without falling over,even with my cane.Obviously the stents didn't work.
Been treated for HBP and type 2 diabetes. for over 20 years..10 daily medications...Still wake up with glucose in the 160's and blood pressure in the 180/85 range. Taking Xoloft and Klonopin for my anxiety and depression. Obviously still depressed and anxious...It doesn't get any better for me.
Don't leave the apartment other than work and groceries...My apartment is filthy with cat hair and urine smell,because I just don't have the energy or the ability to vaccuum ...my cat rarely uses the litterbox and likes to pee and crap on my bed..I do my best to clean up with bleach,etc...but still...the filthyness lingers...and I sleep on that bedcover.
Haven't been to a movie or a concert since 2010. and now I 'll never go because of my semi-handicap situation...Walking from a parking lot to an arena/theater is scary and dangerous,specially with crowds around me.
Can't even organize my media collections like I used to enjoy doing...my only hobby...Can't lift those 40-50 Lb. LP records crates anymore without falling forward.
Don't have any friends,other than my co-workers and half have been fired due to the business being sold...Just 2 members of family left and they live 3500 miles away.
Waiting to lose my job of 44 years sooner than later..the only reason why I haven't been fired yet is because the previous owner(boss)remained in the new company as an employee for at least 2 years...but the second he stops working here;I will get fired.
Will have to live on $2773 Social security a month...can barely pay rent and eat with that....plus I have $100k worth of debt including medical bills...no savings of any kind.
I just want to know why does my life suck so much...Whom did I **** off in a previous life that I'm being punished like this for barely existing?
And when will it end?,because I don't have the balls to hasten the end....
I just told my nephew that If I get something like cancer.that I will not do chemo or radiation,just give me morphine and let me die with a little bit of dignity.
Went to the pulmonologist yesterday...Still have fluid in my lungs...my lungs show damage from smoking...even though I quit smoking 19 years ago...My heart is enlarged...pleural effusion...atherosclerotic changes in the thorazic aorta...degenerative changes in the thorazic spine(Whatever all that means...but in summary..I'm effed).
Got my results from labwork done last week..showing the beginning of kidney failure..protein in urine...high creatine...low eGFR10...ten times the normal figure for albumen/creatine ratio(Whatever all that means...in summary;I'm also effed here)
Can barely remain standing up for more than a few seconds before I start tumbling over due to my neuropathy...Can barely walk 20-40 steps before the pain in my legs and knees becomes intolerable...Have edema in both my legs...have recurring lacerations/boils in my legs due to poor circulation...had a toe amputated a year ago...my foot got deformed since the second toe moved to the left leaving my foot looking like a pig's foot.
Had 2 stents placed in each of my legs to improve the circulation so my amputated toe would heal and maybe walk better...It took 10 months for the cut to heal...and I can barely walk without falling over,even with my cane.Obviously the stents didn't work.
Been treated for HBP and type 2 diabetes. for over 20 years..10 daily medications...Still wake up with glucose in the 160's and blood pressure in the 180/85 range. Taking Xoloft and Klonopin for my anxiety and depression. Obviously still depressed and anxious...It doesn't get any better for me.
Don't leave the apartment other than work and groceries...My apartment is filthy with cat hair and urine smell,because I just don't have the energy or the ability to vaccuum ...my cat rarely uses the litterbox and likes to pee and crap on my bed..I do my best to clean up with bleach,etc...but still...the filthyness lingers...and I sleep on that bedcover.
Haven't been to a movie or a concert since 2010. and now I 'll never go because of my semi-handicap situation...Walking from a parking lot to an arena/theater is scary and dangerous,specially with crowds around me.
Can't even organize my media collections like I used to enjoy doing...my only hobby...Can't lift those 40-50 Lb. LP records crates anymore without falling forward.
Don't have any friends,other than my co-workers and half have been fired due to the business being sold...Just 2 members of family left and they live 3500 miles away.
Waiting to lose my job of 44 years sooner than later..the only reason why I haven't been fired yet is because the previous owner(boss)remained in the new company as an employee for at least 2 years...but the second he stops working here;I will get fired.
Will have to live on $2773 Social security a month...can barely pay rent and eat with that....plus I have $100k worth of debt including medical bills...no savings of any kind.
I just want to know why does my life suck so much...Whom did I **** off in a previous life that I'm being punished like this for barely existing?
And when will it end?,because I don't have the balls to hasten the end....
I just told my nephew that If I get something like cancer.that I will not do chemo or radiation,just give me morphine and let me die with a little bit of dignity.
Total Comments 0
