Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
OP, about 10 years ago I found out I had a sister I had never known I had. (We were both in our 40s by then.)
Short version: my father died when I was not quite 2 years old, leaving my 27-year-old mother with 3 kids under the age of 3. A year later, she got pregnant by a man who had promised to marry her. He left her instead. So now she would have, at the age of 29, 4 kids under the age of 5. She made the incredibly painful decision to "give up" (that's what it was called back then) the "new" baby for adoption.
That baby is my half-sister (who will be 55 this month). In early 2007 she got basic info on her bio-mom from the adoption agency (a public agency in CA), then she hired a private detective, who was able to find my (our) bio mom. She wrote my mom a letter, and that started it all. She was VERY clear in the letter that if my mom chose not to respond, that would be the end of it -- she would not contact her again. (Incidentally, she had an AMAZING life with her adoptive parents -- a much more stable, secure life than my "full" sisters and I had. I would never tell my mom this, but I joke sometimes with Rachelle that I wish her parents had adopted me too ... .)
I am so glad that my mom decided to have contact with her -- otherwise, I literally would never have known about this amazing human being who is my half-sister. We hit it off immediately and now, 10 years later, we are still very close (in fact we texted half a dozen times today -- silly things about our kitties).
My point ... sometimes these situations, which have the potential for being painful and sad, can be wonderful. OP, I hope everything goes well for you.
OP: You have no idea if this man even knows that he is adopted. Leave things as they are with the message to his Mother.
If she chooses to contact you and tell him she will, otherwise it should be clear to you if you do not have ccontact to leave them alone.
That is what I would do. Also, this doesn't really sound like an "open" adoption with only identity shared along with pictures and letters. We adopted through a private adoption agency, a "closed" adoption and we provided those things. Also, in the termination of rights of the birth parents, it took away ALL rights to the child from the date it was signed. The child was no longer their child. The agency provided health information to us provided at that time by the birth parents. The agency would be the go-between if the birth parents wanted to contact our son. If they wanted an update, that information came through the agency. Open adoption just doesn't sound correct as usually in this case, the birth family has contact with the child.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBeam33
I disagree 100%. Adoptive parents don't get to make those decisions for their adult children, It is up to the SON, not the mother, to decide if he wants contact.
The contact should have been made through the agency. They generally provide that service.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Middletwin
The parenting (gatekeepers) duties of the 2nd parents have expired, so it's about him, only.
There are NO 2nd parents. There are birth parents who legally terminated ALL rights to the child and the adoptive parents who were there for the child. Big difference.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CSD610
No it is not about him only, it is about disrupting an entire family.
The biological parents gave away their duties many years ago and it should be kept that way.
You are correct. I am surprised at the ignorance of adoption being shown by some of the posters here. I still say the agency should be contacted or some other 3rd party of which there are choices.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoonBeam33
If biological parents showing up "disrupts an entire family" then the problem is with that family. When you adopt a child, you know that they have an entire biological family out there, and they may want contact or a relationship someday. If someone can't handle that, then they shouldn't adopt. Adoption doesn't mean controlling your adopted child's entire life.
No, the problem is with someone that did not parent and wants to step into the life of an individual who may know nothing of them at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Middletwin
Anyone who loves and respects the individual, they raised, would not think like this.
Not true at all. Keep in mind the mother may have asked whether the son would ever be interested in meeting their child and if this were an open adoption where the birth family was welcome to make contact throughout the time the child was growing up and it takes 25 years for interest to develop.......
Quote:
Originally Posted by nmnita
I too am a parent of two adoptive children, grown now. I would not have a problem if either choose to reach out to their natural parents, in fact i have suggested they do this a few times. They consider only 2 people as their parents, my husband and me. I also have a couple of friends who have located children they have given up for adoption. If I were in the OPs place I would try some form of third party to learn how his son would feel about learning and meeting his biological parents. It can be a rewarding experience or a disaster.
We don't know if this son knows that he is adopted, that is why I think a 3rd party needs to be used in this case, and we agree on that. OP states it was an open adoption, which would indicate the OP was welcome to be involved in the child's life, but just got interested now. In our case, the birth parents were not to contact our son, it was left up to the child. The birth mother said she might want to meet him and the birth father wasn't sure he would ever want to meet our son.
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech
Are you people insane? As a birthmother, I gave away all of my rights, and the adoptive parents became THE PARENTS. If he doesn't know he is adopted, it could ruin the relationship between he and his parents now. How incredibly selfish to even think this way.
As an adoptive parent, thank you for your comment. As you probably know, contact is left up to the child, there are services that are available to connect those looking. If our son's birth parents were to contact the agency and wanted contact with our son, now that he is an adult, I would be agreeable to that. I would say that having the adoptive parents on board with a meeting would be a huge plus.
We adopted a baby with Down syndrome, and we were thrilled to be chosen to parent our son. We are very thankful to the birth parents, we understood that it was a tough decision for them and that they wanted the best for him. Our son is aware that he is adopted, and that was a requirement of the agency that he be told although I would rather it be "out there" than have someone that appears to him as a stranger claiming to be his "mom" or "dad".
I have read so many stories about adoption even before we adopted.
OP needs to read the agreement, "termination of rights" and any agency documents that were signed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Samandgiasmom
I am a mother to two children, one I gave birth to, and one through adoption. My daughter has known she's adopted since the beginning.
You really need to think about what you want out of this. If it's to make sure he's ok, you've already done that. If it's to be part of his life, tread carefully, it is an entire family you are coming into.
I'm also guessing that if he had any interest in finding his birth father, he would have done so already. Good luck.
Excellent post.
Quote:
Originally Posted by oregonwoodsmoke
At his birth, his birth parents, his adoptive parents, and the state all conspired to strip the child of his identity, his nationality, his family health information, his relatives, and his family tree. The child has no say in that process at all. The "child" is now 25 and he is old enough to make his own decisions about whether or not he wants to meet his birth father.
All of you who claim that the son would have found his birth father by now if he wanted to meet his father, just exactly how do you think he would accomplish that? Especially if his adopted parents are determined that he will never learn who he is? It's not like there is a comprehensive directory somewhere that you can just look up who your birth parents were with a few clicks of a mouse.
What on earth are you talking about? What horrible thing to say! OP indicates this adoption was a choice made by both he and the birth mother, no one was stripped of anything. Now, when abuse, neglect and/or exploitation of a child is involved, yes, the state can come in and terminate the rights of the birth parents, this is a GOOD thing.
Agencies provide packets of information provided by the birth family. They didn't include a "family tree", but frankly, many people don't care about that and with the birth family information provided, one could search for that.
He could find the birth father either by contacting the agency, and if not that, he could list his name saying he was searching for his birth parent(s), some states actually do this as a service for those adopted in their state. OP states this is an "open" adoption, so the child may very well know the names of the birth parents. Do you know what an "open" adoption is?
OP, I think you did the compassionate thing to reach out to your son's parents first. If you don't hear back, I'd send a letter to both the parents home and another to your son's home. That way, you're sure both parties have been notified. And I like that your intentions are clear: "Hello, I'm here if you need anything or have any questions. But the ball is in your court and I have zero expectations from you". I adopted my daughter at birth almost 10 years ago and I fully expect at some point in her life that her birth family may enter the picture; either by her searching or them searching. And as a parent, no matter how old my child is, I'd just like to be a part of the process. Mostly because no matter how old my daughter gets, I cannot just turn off my instincts to protect her. And also because I want to hug her birth parents myself! So I'd just really recommend proceeding with caution and also involving the parents. Best wishes!
It is scary, but go for it. I agree that a third party would be the best way to go, if that is possible at all. If you don;t do it, you will always wonder "what if"
Again, parents - regardless of how they became parents- do NOT get to control their adult children's lives, as much as they might like to. Decisions about potential reunions should be left up to the adopted person.
OP, you gave him up for whatever reason. Please don't wreck his life no by being selfish and contacting him. You made your choice. If he wants then he can certainly find you.
OP, you gave him up for whatever reason. Please don't wreck his life no by being selfish and contacting him. You made your choice. If he wants then he can certainly find you.
OP, you gave him up for whatever reason. Please don't wreck his life no by being selfish and contacting him. You made your choice. If he wants then he can certainly find you.
I appreciate your response. But I would have wrecked his life if I didnt give him up for adoption. I dont see how Im wrecking his life by wanting to let him know I am available anytime he wants to talk.
I dont know if he will ever want to but I am sure there are a lot of kids and adults out there that wish they had the option. He now has that option.
How do we know he can find me? How do we know he has any clue what my name is or where I am at?
I would love to have him be excited to want communication with me. It may or may not happen but if he was scared to reach out to me in fear of rejection I certainly wanted to put that fear to rest.
I feel comfortable with what I have done. Most think it was the right thing and there will be those that think it was wrong and I am ok with that.
That is what I would do. Also, this doesn't really sound like an "open" adoption with only identity shared along with pictures and letters. We adopted through a private adoption agency, a "closed" adoption and we provided those things. Also, in the termination of rights of the birth parents, it took away ALL rights to the child from the date it was signed. The child was no longer their child. The agency provided health information to us provided at that time by the birth parents. The agency would be the go-between if the birth parents wanted to contact our son. If they wanted an update, that information came through the agency. Open adoption just doesn't sound correct as usually in this case, the birth family has contact with the child.
The contact should have been made through the agency. They generally provide that service.
There are NO 2nd parents. There are birth parents who legally terminated ALL rights to the child and the adoptive parents who were there for the child. Big difference.
You are correct. I am surprised at the ignorance of adoption being shown by some of the posters here. I still say the agency should be contacted or some other 3rd party of which there are choices.
No, the problem is with someone that did not parent and wants to step into the life of an individual who may know nothing of them at all.
Not true at all. Keep in mind the mother may have asked whether the son would ever be interested in meeting their child and if this were an open adoption where the birth family was welcome to make contact throughout the time the child was growing up and it takes 25 years for interest to develop.......
We don't know if this son knows that he is adopted, that is why I think a 3rd party needs to be used in this case, and we agree on that. OP states it was an open adoption, which would indicate the OP was welcome to be involved in the child's life, but just got interested now. In our case, the birth parents were not to contact our son, it was left up to the child. The birth mother said she might want to meet him and the birth father wasn't sure he would ever want to meet our son.
As an adoptive parent, thank you for your comment. As you probably know, contact is left up to the child, there are services that are available to connect those looking. If our son's birth parents were to contact the agency and wanted contact with our son, now that he is an adult, I would be agreeable to that. I would say that having the adoptive parents on board with a meeting would be a huge plus.
We adopted a baby with Down syndrome, and we were thrilled to be chosen to parent our son. We are very thankful to the birth parents, we understood that it was a tough decision for them and that they wanted the best for him. Our son is aware that he is adopted, and that was a requirement of the agency that he be told although I would rather it be "out there" than have someone that appears to him as a stranger claiming to be his "mom" or "dad".
I have read so many stories about adoption even before we adopted.
OP needs to read the agreement, "termination of rights" and any agency documents that were signed.
Excellent post.
What on earth are you talking about? What horrible thing to say! OP indicates this adoption was a choice made by both he and the birth mother, no one was stripped of anything. Now, when abuse, neglect and/or exploitation of a child is involved, yes, the state can come in and terminate the rights of the birth parents, this is a GOOD thing.
Agencies provide packets of information provided by the birth family. They didn't include a "family tree", but frankly, many people don't care about that and with the birth family information provided, one could search for that.
He could find the birth father either by contacting the agency, and if not that, he could list his name saying he was searching for his birth parent(s), some states actually do this as a service for those adopted in their state. OP states this is an "open" adoption, so the child may very well know the names of the birth parents. Do you know what an "open" adoption is?
PLease keep in mind I was just a kid myself when this happened.I have no idea what agency it was. I vaguely remember signing something. You've have got to remember this was a very stress time especially for two teenagers with zero support from our family.Both lived out of state and had no clue this was going on.
It was the right decision at the time and I spent many years upset that I did that and was embarrassed by the fact we couldn't care of our child. Well we could have but both of us were in minimum wage jobs obviously not married and I guarantee we would have been on government assistance for years to come and living in Sec 8 housing etc.
What are the chances two 18 year old's would stay together? Not good. And in fact we didn't. After 2 years surprisingly we went our separate ways.
Once I was older and matured the embarrassment faded and I began to realise I did the best thing for him.
I suppose you can say I regret it because I never ended up having children of my own but I know he had a better opportunity to have a good life with his adopted parents then with me.
Judge me as you wish. Im not trying to be his father. Im not trying to be anything but available if he so chooses.
At his birth, his birth parents, his adoptive parents, and the state all conspired to strip the child of his identity, his nationality, his family health information, his relatives, and his family tree. The child has no say in that process at all. The "child" is now 25 and he is old enough to make his own decisions about whether or not he wants to meet his birth father.
All of you who claim that the son would have found his birth father by now if he wanted to meet his father, just exactly how do you think he would accomplish that? Especially if his adopted parents are determined that he will never learn who he is? It's not like there is a comprehensive directory somewhere that you can just look up who your birth parents were with a few clicks of a mouse.
Part of what you say has merit, but not all of it. Yes, the child put up for adoption isn't given a choice and as you say they lose their identity to some extent. But that is where it ends. Adoptive parents are, normally given very detailed information about their biological family: nationality, religion or lack of same, family health history and family types; Whether the parents were part of a large or small family, their education and their ages at the time of birth. I am sure adoptive families relate all this to their child.
As for an adoptive family trying to prevent their child from meeting his or her biological family, I doubt when a child becomes an adult many parents react that way.
The entire searching for my roots can backfire. I think the only way a parent should seek out a child they agreed to give up for adoption or a child should search for his/her natural family should be through a search website where parents and children can register to locate each other.
We have stressed to our adopted children we would not be upset if they decided to locate their biological family. they have chosen not to make any attempt. Our foster daughter knew her mom but never her dad. When she was 18 she decided to find her dad. It was a disaster and has affected her all these years. She is so sorry she made any attempt.
Last edited by nmnita; 07-06-2017 at 02:33 PM..
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
.)
OP indicates this adoption was a choice made by both he and the birth mother, no one was stripped of anything. Now, when abuse, neglect and/or exploitation of a child is involved, yes, the state can come in and terminate the rights of the birth parents, this is a GOOD thing.
