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I just had a really bad day yesterday. I just felt that life was not worth living. Not suicidal, but depressed, certainly. Even though I made a notebook, have a good calender and "to do" lists, and have a handle on this from the standpoint of logistics now, it's just overwhelming.
I just dread doing the chemo, being sick (though I realize I may not be, I already feel sick in advance). My lungs are still aching and I feel incredibly tired and weak. I just wish I lived somewhere else, and I don't have the money or energy to move. I wonder if I'll ever be back to normal again.
Sorry...just had to vent.
Addendum: Not far from here, last night, there were massive numbers of tornados. Wonder if my low mood is due to -- I don't know if this is the right term -- barmetric pressure, or something like that (?). Maybe it's just my native spidey sense, tellin' me to get the heck out of here. It's like the Twin Towers in NYC. . . I went to school there (Manhattan School of Music), and when I saw those things, I thought, man, I'll never go near those things; they're an affront to the poor people of the world. And of course, there was one unsuccessful attempt to bring them down prior to 9/11 -- didn't they try to bomb the basement car parking or something?
And of course, certain tribes of Indians (Mohawk, I think) are known for their expertise in building skyscrapers. Build them, yes; go near them afterwards, perhaps not.
Another addendum (and positive); I was thinking that four chemos, one every three weeks, would add up to four x three = 12 = three months, but I was wrong. It's nine weeks. That sounds more manageable. Also just got email from oncology nurse and I do not have to do GoLightly and Potassium pill for the port implant, just as you all told me.
See, you already got some good news today. And as bad and frightening as those tornadoes were, you didn't get hit. My grandkids and their mom got locked down at school for over an hour while my son sat at home in the closet under the stairs with the youngest. Life DOES go on.
My mantra for when my health was bad:
if I woke up today, it's a good day 'cause there are people who didn't.
If I can get out of bed by myself, it's a better day 'cause there are people who can't.
If I can walk to the bathroom, it's even better 'cause there are people who can't.
And if I have a job to go to, it's the best day b/c there are people who don't.
Not to offend those who can't do any of those things, just my way of making my day better.
See, you already got some good news today. And as bad and frightening as those tornadoes were, you didn't get hit. My grandkids and their mom got locked down at school for over an hour while my son sat at home in the closet under the stairs with the youngest. Life DOES go on.
My mantra for when my health was bad:
if I woke up today, it's a good day 'cause there are people who didn't.
If I can get out of bed by myself, it's a better day 'cause there are people who can't.
If I can walk to the bathroom, it's even better 'cause there are people who can't.
And if I have a job to go to, it's the best day b/c there are people who don't.
Not to offend those who can't do any of those things, just my way of making my day better.
Well, that's right. And I had parents who loved me, and made sure I was warm, safe, well fed, decently dressed, and -- loved. When I place ads for assistants, I get people who clearly did not have the advantages I had. No education (one girl named Shelly didn't know who the poet Shelly was); covered with tatoos and face piercings (who's going to hire someone in many jobs, with those?) Many have children with no husband (not a bad thing, necessarily, I guess), biracial (also not a bad thing, at all) -- but in general, very great hardships due to what I would imagine is a history of drug/alcohol abuse in the family.
I feel very priviledged to have been loved and cared for. Everyone is not as lucky. And not to suggest that there is not drug/alcohol and other abuse in wealthier families; of course there is. But I had three women in a row who were grossly overweight, shoddily dressed, filthy cars, and all the things I mentioned, above. And I don't see how anyone would expect to do much better if they had no family support and were beat down all their lives.
These girls need to be reparented; I don't know how to help them that much. These girls don't get to play violin in symphonies, author books, go to good universities. I should shut up and keep my complaints to myself.
I also feared being nauseous and vomiting---and it never happened due to the excellent antiemetic drug I was given by IV--Aloxi. 3 treatments a month x 6 monthes=18 total chemo treatments. The worst was the increasing , deep fatigue. I was also very depressed, fixated on "this is it, I'll be dead soon". An aquaintance who had recurred after one year, said to me,"I wasted the year I was ok worrying and being upset, depressed." It's very hard to get out from under the feeling of doom---it's the most profound kind of fear. And hear I am, 7 1/2 years later, still in remission, after a dx of ovarian cancer, stage 3B. There is always hope.
Having the port inserted was no biggie. The chemo was not as awful as I feared.
Try to live the day you're in. And a Sally Sunshine attitude does not increase your chances of survival---my daughter says I'm living proof of that. I always hated when people said that to me, it was like saying you're personally responsible for the results of the treatment. Find someone to vent to--my poor husband had to listen to me interminably.
I haven't read your other posts, so hope this isn't inappropriate--just responding to the above.
No, it's not inappropriate at all. "Try to live the day you're in" is excellent advice, too.
I'm watching "War Horse" right now; as much as I love horses, I suspect this is a good catharsis. I just want to be back to normal and live my life, but maybe life will be better after this.
In an odd sort of way, I'm looking forward to having no hair. I will be participating in one of the meanings of my era; I don't think I mind now.
I also feared being nauseous and vomiting---and it never happened due to the excellent antiemetic drug I was given by IV--Aloxi. 3 treatments a month x 6 monthes=18 total chemo treatments. The worst was the increasing , deep fatigue. I was also very depressed, fixated on "this is it, I'll be dead soon". An aquaintance who had recurred after one year, said to me,"I wasted the year I was ok worrying and being upset, depressed." It's very hard to get out from under the feeling of doom---it's the most profound kind of fear. And hear I am, 7 1/2 years later, still in remission, after a dx of ovarian cancer, stage 3B. There is always hope.
Having the port inserted was no biggie. The chemo was not as awful as I feared.
Try to live the day you're in. And a Sally Sunshine attitude does not increase your chances of survival---my daughter says I'm living proof of that. I always hated when people said that to me, it was like saying you're personally responsible for the results of the treatment. Find someone to vent to--my poor husband had to listen to me interminably.
I haven't read your other posts, so hope this isn't inappropriate--just responding to the above.
Totally agree with the bold. I was pretty confident telling all the cancer-free people (who often were twice my age, married and have children, stable careers - things that are much more precarious for me!) exactly what they could do with their "Stay positive!" attitudes.
You're allowed to be pissed. But you'll get through it, mvintar. I was diagnosed with stage IV Hodgkin's a month after my 23rd birthday. My family lived 1000 miles away (and ranged from useless to ignorant to downright cruel - I not longer speak to the vast majority of my family and really only speak to my parents because I feel honor bound to do so, despite the fact that they were truly awful throughout the entire thing), my friends were scattered around the country and did not have the emotional maturity to deal with my illness in a constructive way, and I was 4 months into my first job. I was saving for a car, so I had no way at the time to get to my multiple appointments a week (public transportation was really effective at getting me from home to work and back - but would have taken 2 hours to get to a hospital 5 miles away). My bosses were the ones who came with me to appointments, and in all honesty, I was absolutely by myself for the vast majority of my surgeries and chemo. My insurance company was the only one in my state to NOT cover fertility saving measures and I could barely afford my copays, much less the $14000 they wanted up front for egg banking. Suddenly, I had to deal with a lot of things most people don't even have to think about until they're in their 60s when I was by myself, financially unstable, and not even 6 months into my life in the "real world". I like to say that if I can get through it, so can anyone else. It's not easy and the emotional implications are much harder than the physical, but you will get through it.
Let yourself have bad days. Talk to your loved ones and let them know what you need. Start a blog so you don't have to repeat yourself over and over. Join a support group, make cancer friends! You can do it and we're all rooting for you!
Totally agree with the bold. I was pretty confident telling all the cancer-free people (who often were twice my age, married and have children, stable careers - things that are much more precarious for me!) exactly what they could do with their "Stay positive!" attitudes.
You're allowed to be pissed. But you'll get through it, mvintar. I was diagnosed with stage IV Hodgkin's a month after my 23rd birthday. My family lived 1000 miles away (and ranged from useless to ignorant to downright cruel - I not longer speak to the vast majority of my family and really only speak to my parents because I feel honor bound to do so, despite the fact that they were truly awful throughout the entire thing), my friends were scattered around the country and did not have the emotional maturity to deal with my illness in a constructive way, and I was 4 months into my first job. I was saving for a car, so I had no way at the time to get to my multiple appointments a week (public transportation was really effective at getting me from home to work and back - but would have taken 2 hours to get to a hospital 5 miles away). My bosses were the ones who came with me to appointments, and in all honesty, I was absolutely by myself for the vast majority of my surgeries and chemo. My insurance company was the only one in my state to NOT cover fertility saving measures and I could barely afford my copays, much less the $14000 they wanted up front for egg banking. Suddenly, I had to deal with a lot of things most people don't even have to think about until they're in their 60s when I was by myself, financially unstable, and not even 6 months into my life in the "real world". I like to say that if I can get through it, so can anyone else. It's not easy and the emotional implications are much harder than the physical, but you will get through it.
Let yourself have bad days. Talk to your loved ones and let them know what you need. Start a blog so you don't have to repeat yourself over and over. Join a support group, make cancer friends! You can do it and we're all rooting for you!
Bless your heart! That is really, really hard for someone so young. And by yourself, too. I wish I had my parents. I keep hearing them in my mind, what they would say. Mostly, stand up straight and it isn't that bad. I miss them so much; they both died not that long ago. I have one brother that sounds like the relatives you're not talking to. I don't have any loved ones; just a sweet cat.
you CD friends are here for you. You are in my prayers.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mvintar
I just had a really bad day yesterday. I just felt that life was not worth living. Not suicidal, but depressed, certainly. Even though I made a notebook, have a good calender and "to do" lists, and have a handle on this from the standpoint of logistics now, it's just overwhelming.
I just dread doing the chemo, being sick (though I realize I may not be, I already feel sick in advance). My lungs are still aching and I feel incredibly tired and weak. I just wish I lived somewhere else, and I don't have the money or energy to move. I wonder if I'll ever be back to normal again.
Sorry...just had to vent.
Addendum: Not far from here, last night, there were massive numbers of tornados. Wonder if my low mood is due to -- I don't know if this is the right term -- barmetric pressure, or something like that (?). Maybe it's just my native spidey sense, tellin' me to get the heck out of here. It's like the Twin Towers in NYC. . . I went to school there (Manhattan School of Music), and when I saw those things, I thought, man, I'll never go near those things; they're an affront to the poor people of the world. And of course, there was one unsuccessful attempt to bring them down prior to 9/11 -- didn't they try to bomb the basement car parking or something?
And of course, certain tribes of Indians (Mohawk, I think) are known for their expertise in building skyscrapers. Build them, yes; go near them afterwards, perhaps not.
Another addendum (and positive); I was thinking that four chemos, one every three weeks, would add up to four x three = 12 = three months, but I was wrong. It's nine weeks. That sounds more manageable. Also just got email from oncology nurse and I do not have to do GoLightly and Potassium pill for the port implant, just as you all told me.
Start a blog so you don't have to repeat yourself over and over.
A friend of a friend of mine who has breast cancer did this with a website that charted how she was progressing, when her next treatment was, a calendar for those who were able to help with driving her to and from her treatments, etc. Friends and family could check in on her at any time. She liked the fact that she didn't have to be bothered when she wasn't feeling well. I believe the website is free for cancer patients. Here is the link: Overview: support for cancer patients, cancer diagnosis, free personal blog/websites
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