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If you want her to have new glasses, just take the old pair in to an optician. They can determine the prescription from the old lenses. Does it really matter if it isn't the exact updated prescription she would get with an exam? Then get the cheapest sturdiest frame you can find. She might break them again. I'm pretty sure you can get sturdy safety glasses like for people doing heavy labor, but they probably cost a lot more.
See, I didn't even know this could be done!
Thanks for that advice. This is why I find posting here to be helpful. I thought she would have to have a new eye exam.
It is truly sad, a terrible horrific painful way to die.
But your MIL gave you some important information there.
I don't know how i'd feel if my DIL were the one changing my adult diaper, but humiliation springs to mind.
MIL has flashes of wisdom still - this was one of those Kathryn - shes actually TOLD you to leave her alone.
Help with feeding is one thing, but changing her diapers? That completely ruins her fantasy of being away for a nice rest, which is what the staff are telling her.
I'm sorry Kathryn I know you mean well - but MIL is a case where your efforts are essentially, unwelcome.
Feeding her, checking on her, chatting when she's well - all good - but dealing with her when she has absolutely zero pride, messing her pants?
Having family members deal with things like that is probably quite humiliating for her.
No, no, no - I wasn't changing her diaper. I don't get involved in actually cleaning her diaper area. What I was helping to do was simply try to talk her into letting the aides put her pants on her because they were having no luck at all trying to reason with her. She was already cleaned up when I came to the room, and they were just trying to put her pants on her (she was not being cooperative). While I was standing there, she wet herself again and they had to start over. She wet the new diaper, tore it (was probably trying to tell someone she had wet the new one and didn't want to sit in it), but like I said, I was there then because we were trying to get her to allow them to finish dressing her. I wasn't helping change her diaper.
And when they went to change the second diaper, I walked to the other side of the room to give her some privacy - until I had to come back over to try to get her to turn loose of everything so they could change her again. They literally could not get her to let go of the diaper and I think they were probably afraid of hurting her skin if they tried too hard. She is sometimes a bit calmer or cooperative with me - sometimes not. This time...well, not.
I wouldn't interject myself into that scenario unless it was something really out of the ordinary - or unexpected, as was the case this time.
Sigh. I know she hates having her diaper changed and I know she hates being showered or dressed. But she HAS TO BE CLEANED AND DRESSED. She can't do it herself. She's mad no matter who is doing it.
Like I said, I don't even think she knows who I am anymore. She tells everyone to leave her alone. She fights everyone, every time, anytime anyone tries to clean her, help her get dressed, etc. I mean, it's like a marathon. She hits people, claws people - it's pretty bad. The only reason they don't fill out a daily incident report is because she simply has no strength so she never really hurts anyone.
She has always been a modest person so I'm sure that being incontinent is embarrassing to her, and I know that she hates for ANYONE to help her shower or dress or clean up a diaper mess. It has to be excruciating to her. I'm rarely there for any of that but I have tried to calm her down if I happen to be there and something has to go down. It doesn't work very often but it does occasionally.
I've had several people up there tell me that she is pretty difficult to deal with - but also that she is not strong so it's more just emotionally difficult to deal with her (it's hard to be positive and upbeat with someone who is so miserable and so determined to fight everything). This breaks my heart because she was always such a lady. She was so proper and so genteel and always concerned about courtesy and cleanliness and things being just right for every occasion.
Last edited by KathrynAragon; 09-04-2015 at 06:47 PM..
Kathryn, I think you are doing a great job with your MIL. You don't need to justify yourself to those who think you are not doing enough, or to those who think you are doing too much. You are there in the situation. You know your MIL. You know yourself. You are doing what seems right for her. We are all learners when it comes to caring for parents who have changed so much.
I've decided to cut back my visits to every other day. My husband agrees. I've already cut down the time a LOT. What I mean is that if she's in a negative, combative mood (80 percent of the time), I don't stick around long - I just check on her and make sure she has what she needs and hug her and leave.
If she's not combative, I stay longer. I would hate to miss a "good day" which is one reason why I was going every day to see her - hoping to catch her in a better mood. But I've pretty much given up on that, and since she doesn't seem to recognize me, I don't think she's sitting there hoping I come by anyway.
She did say something really pitiful to me the last time I was there, even though she didn't seem to be looking at ME with any recognition (I've only been in her life for ten years). She said, "Everyone has abandoned me."
This is not true at all. She actually has a lot of visitors, more than any of the other residents as far as I can tell! She has visitors every single day, between her various family members and the hospice chaplain and the hospice social worker and the hospice nurse, all of whom are very sweet and attentive to her. She even has visits several times a month from family members who live several hours away, who come specifically to see her (nephews, grandkids, people like that - extended family). But with her short term memory issues, she simply doesn't remember when people come see her. She had two visitors the other day - a sister in law and niece that she loves or used to love dearly. Later that day she had no recollection at all of their visit.
I am sure she is terrified and does feel abandoned.
They make glasses frames from a hard yet slightly flexible rubber-like substance for small children and older kids with special needs. They can be thrown or twisted, yet will return to their original shape and are unbreakable. Obviously, plastic lenses should be used with her now.
I am not sure if these glasses frames come in adult sizes, but it might be something to investigate (although I am sure your "investigory plate" is piled high already...).
Edited to add: I just checked - see "Miraflex" for more info. The frames DO come in adult sizes and have optional head straps.
Good luck...hope you can follow this up and make it work.
Last edited by CraigCreek; 09-05-2015 at 09:21 AM..
They make glasses frames from a hard yet slightly flexible rubber-like substance for small children and older kids with special needs. They can be thrown or twisted, yet will return to their original shape and are unbreakable. Obviously, plastic lenses should be used with her now.
I am not sure if these glasses frames come in adult sizes, but it might be something to investigate (although I am sure your "investigory plate" is piled high already...).
Edited to add: I just checked - see "Miraflex" for more info. The frames DO come in adult sizes and have optional head straps.
Good luck...hope you can follow this up and make it work.
This makes me feel a lot better knowing that we can get her some new glasses. Thank you and thank all of you who have given me advice on these glasses!
Ugh, "investigatory", not the misspelled version in my post above! I do know how to spell - most of the time - but just didn't catch this. Apologies to other spelling nerds.
Invaluable thread. My heart goes out to you all. Many thanks. Blessimgs to all. I heart U KinA. God is working in our lives for the better. Have faith.
Invaluable thread. My heart goes out to you all. Many thanks. Blessimgs to all. I heart U KinA. God is working in our lives for the better. Have faith.
Yes, I read the whole thread BTW.
Wow, my hat is off to you for reading through this whole thread! Thank you for the encouragement.
We were told the other day that though my MIL is fragile, meaning she could fall and never recover, or she could have a stroke - barring either of those events, her overall health is good, and she could live for several more years in this pitiful state of being.
It's the saddest thing. When I think of her just three or four years ago, cooking a big Thanksgiving dinner, driving back and forth to her various church functions, enjoying great grandkids, laughing and watching them hunt for Easter eggs...it breaks my heart.
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