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My 68 yr old mother moved in with my family over the summer and I am miserable. While she has some health issues they are all easily treatable but she doesn't want to take care of herself. She didn't take very good care of herself prior to my father dying 4 years ago and it has gotten even worse since then. She doesn't want to get out and get involved in anything, she went to the senior center twice and then said she didn't like it and won't go back. She always has an excuse, right now her excuse is that once her knee replacement is done, then she will get out and make friends and find things that interest her, but then she also said that when another health issue was at the forefront but she never followed through. I didn't want her to live here but also didn't want her dying alone in her house. She lived about 1500 miles from me and the distance worked well for me, I love her but because of my childhood and the way she and my father were, I don't like her. She is very needy and has always had an expectation that others are responsible for her happiness, I can't imagine living with her until she or I die. I am surviving right now by communicating as little as possible, I know that this is not healthy but to be honest i have no desire to fix it. I have been forced to confront all I thought I had put behind me when I left home at 17 and I can't find it in myself to forgive her for the way she and my father treated me.
Just keep in mind one thing. Whatever YOU will put into this situation now, will be exactly same and with some more, that YOU will receive back when your time comes.
My 68 yr old mother moved in with my family over the summer and I am miserable. While she has some health issues they are all easily treatable but she doesn't want to take care of herself. She didn't take very good care of herself prior to my father dying 4 years ago and it has gotten even worse since then. She doesn't want to get out and get involved in anything, she went to the senior center twice and then said she didn't like it and won't go back. She always has an excuse, right now her excuse is that once her knee replacement is done, then she will get out and make friends and find things that interest her, but then she also said that when another health issue was at the forefront but she never followed through. I didn't want her to live here but also didn't want her dying alone in her house. She lived about 1500 miles from me and the distance worked well for me, I love her but because of my childhood and the way she and my father were, I don't like her. She is very needy and has always had an expectation that others are responsible for her happiness, I can't imagine living with her until she or I die. I am surviving right now by communicating as little as possible, I know that this is not healthy but to be honest i have no desire to fix it. I have been forced to confront all I thought I had put behind me when I left home at 17 and I can't find it in myself to forgive her for the way she and my father treated me.
Your situation is unfortunate, but not uncommon.
You can't change your mother. In fact, you can't change anybody. So, the only person you can change is you.
You can kick your mom out (of course!) - that's your choice to make.
Or, if you really feel that's not an option (of course it is an option, but it might not be one you're willing to make) - then you can work to accept that she is who she is, and its your choice to let it bother you.
That doesn't mean you become a doormat. You can always say "no" when she asks you to do things for her, or tell her - "maybe next week". If she tries to guilt you, you can walk away.
But you can't make her not be a needy/fearful/dependent person because apparently she's been that way HER WHOLE LIFE and you still let her move in with you.
So, you can either choose to accept her as she is, and work with the situation as best you can... or you can spend whatever time you have together hating her for being who she is and hating yourself for getting into the situation.
A thousand times over -- caregiving - while sucky/crappy/routine/mind-numbing/complicated/awful - is not actually the BAD part. The bad part is the dysfunctional relationship (if there was one) that gets dragged into caregiving ... and then you have people who essentially hate one another trapped in a terrible co-dependent spiral of doom.
In those situations, I always suggest - DON'T DO IT.
(Note: Dementia caregiving is different, even if the original underlying relationship were healthy, the mental changes in the dementia patient force a new relationship to form and that can destroy even the best / strongest bonds)
Almost no one listens of course, because they always think that even though they've spent their entire adult life avoiding the family dynamic, or running away from it, or secretly hating each other from afar... that once its "caregiving" it will all magically go away and they'll somehow get along fine.
That's quite frankly - insane.
The only reason most routine caregivers survive it is because the underlying relationship was sound. The parents were grateful instead of nagging/guilt-tripping/screaming harpies. The children accepted their parents were flawed individuals and didn't expect them to suddenly turn into ma and pa walton..
Most of the people with dysfunctional family relationships have dysfunctional caregiving relationships - where they feel they've sacrificed their entire life (usually accompanied by lasting bitter resentment and a kind of scary hatred of the person they're trying to care for)
quite simply - life's too short for that. Both for you, and the person you're caring for.
I wish you well, and your mother. I hope she finds another place to stay, and that at some point you deal with the relationship with her that you've apparently ignored - and find some peace.
But expecting her to be someone she's not - is ridiculous, and is unlikely to ever happen.
You have my sympathy because my mother was a similar personality. I agree with Briolat in that you cannot change your mother. The question you need to ask yourself though, is can you live together or are you just too incompatible.
In my case I decided it would be impossible to live with my mom. She was 67, and I just couldn't subject my family to having to work around her drinking and sour disposition for the next 10 years.
You have my sympathy because my mother was a similar personality. I agree with Briolat in that you cannot change your mother. The question you need to ask yourself though, is can you live together or are you just too incompatible.
In my case I decided it would be impossible to live with my mom. She was 67, and I just couldn't subject my family to having to work around her drinking and sour disposition for the next 10 years.
10 years? She'd only be 77. Unless with a terminal illness, it's not uncommon for women to live into their 90's, so that could be 30 years
I'm so sorry! I think you need to get some distance on this. Can you find an apartment, independent or assisted living for her nearby? I respect your need to respect her, but you have to take care of yourself, and having her with you is NOT good for you.
Find some where else for her to be. If she doesn't take better care of herself, she will decline much more rapidly and you and your family (do you have family?) do not to deal with that.
Just keep in mind one thing. Whatever YOU will put into this situation now, will be exactly same and with some more, that YOU will receive back when your time comes.
Is this sort of unpleasant veiled threat really necessary?
The OP has a genuine here-and-now problem. I don't see what it has to do with a potential future issue. Feel free, however, to enlighten me.
Just keep in mind one thing. Whatever YOU will put into this situation now, !will be exactly same and with some more, that YOU will receive back when your time comes.
She is 68, not 88. I can understand her wanting to be nearer than 1500 miles from you, but at her age she should have her own place. If I were you I would make this happen somehow. Then youdo not need to be annoyed by her behavior.
I am 67, and if my husband died I would want to live near one of my children, but no way would I live with them. I want my space.
Thanks for all the advice, you have definitely given me something to think about.
I am going to get her thru knee surgery and see how things go. I do understand that she will probably never change learned behaviors that have accomplished what she wanted for all these years and some tough decisions will have to be made.
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