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I would consider moving her into one of those PRONTO. What would be the reasons that wouldn't work out for her? (No condemnation, just wondering why she shouldn't move to one of those since she is so young. Are you honestly prepared to continue to live with this level of frustration and financial drain for decades? It seems like it's just not workable over the long haul.)
She definitely pulls the "I am not emotionally ready to live on my own" but I am hopeful that she follows through with the counseling and gets to the bottom of why she has so much fear. She has dedicated this last year to paying down her debt and it is getting to the point that she could afford the rent and whatever else comes with living on her own, whereas when she first came here, her finances were in such a mess, I don't even know how she was eating when she lived by herself.
And no I am not prepared to live with this frustration for decades and it won't be workable long term. Moving her here was a huge mistake but at the moment I felt like my brothers weren't doing their part, her church family wasn't involved with her and she just didn't have anyone to be her advocate. She might make me crazy and I might complain about her ALOT but I would never react the way my brother did when she was in the hospital before she moved here. He basically left her in the hospital for 9 days and visited only 3 times and most times cut his visit short because he couldn't deal with her hallucinations.
Worse case scenario she continues on as she has been and she will soon qualify for medicaid as well as to be admitted to a nursing home because if she doesn't do what the doctors tell her, her health is going to get that bad.
Oh good - time for her to move is what it sounds like to me. I wouldn't fall for that "I am not emotionally ready to live on my own," stuff - not at her age. She needs to get on with her life on her own.
On a smaller scale, my mom has been pulling that on me - it's obvious that she is counting on me for entertainment, for advice, for appointments, for financial stuff, for everything. That's what she did with my dad so she's transferring all this NEED to me. Yesterday I had a pretty firm talk with her and told her that she HAS TO build her own life - her own interests, her own activities, her own sphere of influence. She actually told me that for the first time in her life, she's been "living in the past" and it just makes her sad. Well, I'm glad she can articulate that and recognize it as a problem, because that's the first step to getting out of that funk. She has GOT to get out of it. I cannot fill her emotional needs.
I think of this when I read your posts about your mom and her needs. You can't fix her. You can't meet her needs. Trying to keep doing this is going to take a serious toll on you and your family, I believe. I think you can see that as well and are doing a good job of trying to sort things out so I'm not fussing at you, just encouraging you to KEEP PUSHING HER TO DO BETTER AND TO BECOME MORE SELF SUFFICIENT.
I am really hoping this gets your mom's attention and pushes her to take better care of herself.
But most of all, I am hoping that you and your husband have a WONDERFUL time together enjoying your trip and that new grandbaby.
Just a word of caution - be prepared for your mother's "needs" to suddenly snowball right before you leave. Have a backup plan already in place so that you don't get sucked back into all that and feel forced to change your plans.
I can't scream AMEN loud enough!!!!
Be ready. She will try to submarine your trip.
Talk is cheap. Push anyone hard enough and they will say what you want to hear. That doesn't mean they will do anything. You need to sit down with her and make a list, like a contract, that clearly states what behaviors need to change. What is acceptable and what is not. Just plain English. All the stuff she has already agreed to do. And there needs to be consequences. If she is not in compliance by April 1st, she goes to Texas with no grousing or complaints. Make sure your relatives in Texas KNOW what's going on too!
If she starts whining about the consequences tell her she already agreed to make the changes. The consequences won't even come in to play unless she fails to hold up her end of the deal. No secrets, no hidden agendas. It's all spelled out on paper.
After the contract is written out, you both sign it, date it, go down to the copy store and make copies. Both of you keep several. Put one up on her dresser mirror and maybe the fridge for easy reference. Hide a couple too so she can't destroy the evidence.
Talk is cheap. Push anyone hard enough and they will say what you want to hear. That doesn't mean they will do anything. You need to sit down with her and make a list, like a contract, that clearly states what behaviors need to change. What is acceptable and what is not. Just plain English. All the stuff she has already agreed to do. And there needs to be consequences. If she is not in compliance by April 1st, she goes to Texas with no grousing or complaints. Make sure your relatives in Texas KNOW what's going on too!
If she starts whining about the consequences tell her she already agreed to make the changes. The consequences won't even come in to play unless she fails to hold up her end of the deal. No secrets, no hidden agendas. It's all spelled out on paper.
After the contract is written out, you both sign it, date it, go down to the copy store and make copies. Both of you keep several. Put one up on her dresser mirror and maybe the fridge for easy reference. Hide a couple too so she can't destroy the evidence.
Good luck!
The contract is such an excellent idea and I am going to start working on one, we have talked a little more this afternoon and I am hopeful but at this point, I don't expect much.
The contract is such an excellent idea and I am going to start working on one, we have talked a little more this afternoon and I am hopeful but at this point, I don't expect much.
I did this with my mom! She needed a procedure she didn't want and kept saying she could take care of the problem on her own. We did this and it worked. Good luck! Make sure it is very specific!
Oh good - time for her to move is what it sounds like to me. I wouldn't fall for that "I am not emotionally ready to live on my own," stuff - not at her age. She needs to get on with her life on her own.
On a smaller scale, my mom has been pulling that on me - it's obvious that she is counting on me for entertainment, for advice, for appointments, for financial stuff, for everything. That's what she did with my dad so she's transferring all this NEED to me. Yesterday I had a pretty firm talk with her and told her that she HAS TO build her own life - her own interests, her own activities, her own sphere of influence. She actually told me that for the first time in her life, she's been "living in the past" and it just makes her sad. Well, I'm glad she can articulate that and recognize it as a problem, because that's the first step to getting out of that funk. She has GOT to get out of it. I cannot fill her emotional needs.
I think of this when I read your posts about your mom and her needs. You can't fix her. You can't meet her needs. Trying to keep doing this is going to take a serious toll on you and your family, I believe. I think you can see that as well and are doing a good job of trying to sort things out so I'm not fussing at you, just encouraging you to KEEP PUSHING HER TO DO BETTER AND TO BECOME MORE SELF SUFFICIENT.
My mother was like this with my father.
Your words to your mother is what I have been trying to impress on my mother. It is not that I don't want her to have a place or be a part of our lives, I just don't want to be the one responsible for her happiness and contentment in life. And I do see this and will continue to push her, there will probably be days when she doesn't like me very much but she has a room with a door that locks and she can go lock herself in there. I adore my husband and REFUSE to sacrifice our retirement because of my mother. In 2 years our youngest child will graduate from high school and we will have fulfilled our hands-on obligations to our children. We have so much we want to do and for the first time in our marriage we will just be a couple (I brought 2 young children into our marriage). Or if we don't want to do anything but chase each other around the house, we can do that. My husband has maintained from the beginning that she was welcome her until our son graduates and then alternative arrangements will have to be made and he doesn't care what they are.
I did this with my mom! She needed a procedure she didn't want and kept saying she could take care of the problem on her own. We did this and it worked. Good luck! Make sure it is very specific!
It is so sad that it has to come to this but if it will make her accountable, then it is worth it.
Oh my, ajzjmsmom, I don't know. I do know you must without question, go on your trip, celebrate your new grand baby, revel in joy on your anniversary and make it a special time. Maybe you could 'practice' without telling for the next month??? See how your Mom does. Don't remind/assist her, let her do for herself; just kind of step back. If it is a fiasco, you will know to purchase the ticket for her to go to Texas or find alternate arrangements for her. The latter may prove the best futuristically for all. Do however, have a backup plan and a commitment to follow through. Check out assisted living, and or apartments for seniors that offer some level of care; she may love the interaction and companionship of others. Call Adult Services in your area to offer resources. Her finances need to be in order in any event. No one promised most of us 'easy'; caring for loved ones is usually not easy. You have chosen a difficult path. May your route henceforth be free from too many ruts, filled with a sense of peace and no regrets! Please keep us updated. Happy thoughts your way.
Oh my, ajzjmsmom, I don't know. I do know you must without question, go on your trip, celebrate your new grand baby, revel in joy on your anniversary and make it a special time. Maybe you could 'practice' without telling for the next month??? See how your Mom does. Don't remind/assist her, let her do for herself; just kind of step back. If it is a fiasco, you will know to purchase the ticket for her to go to Texas or find alternate arrangements for her. The latter may prove the best futuristically for all. Do however, have a backup plan and a commitment to follow through. Check out assisted living, and or apartments for seniors that offer some level of care; she may love the interaction and companionship of others. Call Adult Services in your area to offer resources. Her finances need to be in order in any event. No one promised most of us 'easy'; caring for loved ones is usually not easy. You have chosen a difficult path. May your route henceforth be free from too many ruts, filled with a sense of peace and no regrets! Please keep us updated. Happy thoughts your way.
Thank you PeteyC and I am without a doubt not holding my breath, to many times she has promised to change but I have never really threatened her before with having to go back to Texas. While she may pretend like she is dumb, she isn't, she knows full well neither of my brothers give a rats patootie about her, so maybe the idea that she would have to go there albeit a short time, will be enough to motivate her.
Trust me UNLESS God himself descends from heaven and tells me her death is imminent, we are going on our trip, not sure where my mother will be but I will be enjoying my wonderful husband and taking lots of pictures with our granddaughters, if we are really lucky our son and his wife will bring our two grandsons to AZ while we are there and we can enjoy all 4 of our grandchildren.
In in interest of being proactive, you know, just in case, why not just buy a fully refundable airline ticket for her in advance? That is of course assuming finances will allow for it.
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