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I think it all revolves around a sister who really wants to help her brother who is very sick, physically and mentally, She did not have and could not get all the info needed to fix anything and did not and does not have the authority/power to do anything he does not want to do.
It was and continues to be a crazy wheel that all are on. There will be no sudden turnaround but a constant decline. If people would stop providing the inadequate assistance they give him to keep him trying to get home, he might have to stay where he gets adequate care.
It probably helps to write down what is going on to gain clarity. My hubby does this to get ideas out of his head so he can sleep. It really is not about "getting help".
Oh yeah and have nice people (me being NOT one of them) trying to help "poor jencam" with her "troubles" and going 'round and 'round" continuously with her not heeding the advice. Notice "it's all good" every other day after people give great advice? "Public puker" is the term I use. Yes, I do it too but take the advice and kindness those who try to help me.
There's nothing wrong with her posting about this situation. This is how some people process information and gain insight, especially when they're conflicted. I don't really see her asking for advice, and just because she's received advice doesn't mean she's obligated to take it. You should back off her.
Last edited by Metlakatla; 10-02-2018 at 04:12 PM..
There's nothing wrong with her posting about this situation. This is how some people process information and gain insight, especially when they're conflicted. I don't really see her asking for advice, and just because she's received advice doesn't mean she's obligated to take it.
I agree. I think that those of us who are in caregiving situations often have to process, and reprocess, information, partly because the situation is constantly changing. It's exhausting.
He lets the cockroaches crawl on him. He just brushes them off. Sister asked about pest control and he said 'It's not that bad'. Of course I asked is he saying he doesn't have money for it? She said 'I don't ask him stuff like that like y'all do. He said what he said and I went home where there are no bugs'.
He's working hard to press every button and try and get her to be his caretaker and she tells him in 18 different ways NO. 'You live 5 minutes away. Why can't you come check on me?'
'Because I don't like being here with bugs. Because I don't want to watch you fall. Because if you can take care of yourself at home as you say, then you don't need me to. Because if you have a true emergency I can't do anything about it but call 911. Because I have a job and a husband and a 9 year old I need to be attending to instead of being here. So on and so forth.
She pulled a KA and said you can't live 'independently' if you rely on me or anyone else - the more you go on about everything you can't do for yourself, the more you are saying that you need to be in a nursing home.
He said she owed it to him because his Dad raised her. That was just one of many attempts. I am glad she is strong of mind and secure in the fact that Dad is her Dad too and raised her because he wanted to, not as some sort of favor or IDK what he means.
There have been a few times in both our lives that people who were grateful for free law work my Dad did would pay him back by doing something for one of us, but this is not the same as that.
Some people offer my Dad a barter when they don't have money, like 'I'm a car mechanic, I can owe you repairs' or whatever. But this is not that. Lordy.
He said Dad was a better Dad to her and her sister and that's actually true. My brother got the shortest stick growing up. But even bio-siblings all have a different family. He said something to me the other day about how our Dad was when we were young (SO MANY years before they came) and I said I know, but come on, hasn't he more than made up for it?
Most people reach an age and go to therapy or whatever they need to do to get over it, accept their parents did their best, and start taking responsibility for themselves despite imperfections in their upbringing.
She and I agreed he's like an old person who only has memories. Not every bit of it is manipulation. I think she was glad to know that some of that comes from a real place. He really did have it bad.
Not to let him manipulate her, but so she can address that head on. Acknowledge that it was different, bad, hard for him but then divert to whatever is appropriate to.
Her job entails dealing with psychological aspects with all her patients. Family history is something they want.
She said to me: 'OK, go process and shoot questions as they come to your mind through text'. LOL. She knows my habits too now. These things I am told are like bombs in my brain and I can't process them immediately. But another convo would just create more to process, so for both of us it's better not to have these convos everyday or even every 3 or 4.
I said ok, this one will take all night and into tomorrow so you should be question free for a while, enjoy your evening! She's going to the shooting range. That sounds awesome. I might start going with her and only to enjoy that and her, no brother talk allowed.
Wait, so he went home? I thought he was chatting up nurses as an inpatient.
He isn't at home, she had brought up when he was to talk about the bugs. He's not chatty anymore. The steroids wore off, he's been transferred to a true nursing facility, not one with a rehab side. If I understand it correctly, he has no more rehab days left on insurance.
He is sullen and angry that he isn't getting his leg machine to get stronger to go home. He is abusing the nurses now and my sister. He is trying to get transferred to rehab. I have no idea if he will succeed in that endeavor.
My sister talked to him about core if he does get transferred. That he DOES need it and it CAN get better. She gave a lecture about forget the leg machine. If you get where you want to go, just do. what. they. say. to. do.
She isn't going to fight him or push on and on. She said there are new regs this year that all you can do is explain to the patient what they need and why, and you can ask them two times to do it and then they have the right to refuse.
She said that is why he wasn't exactly lying when he said he was compliant with the last place. He felt he was because he did what they asked him to. AFTER the other was offered/suggested twice they quit asking him to do core.
She added in they are busy enough with people who WANT to get better. Which in his way he does. But his desire is low. All he wants is the bare minimum to transfer. He isn't going to listen that if he doesn't do core his legs can't be helped.
It's always worked well enough before, and he is stuck on believing it always will.
Wow, Jencam, the whole thing is so sad. But like you know, and others have testified to as well, lots of people who have MS live much more productive, healthy, happy lives than he does. He brings a lot of his situation on himself, independent of the MS. For instance, relationship wise - his issues have nothing to do with MS - he'd still be pushing buttons and trying to emotionally manipulate everyone if he didn't have MS. And health wise - he doesn't do PT or OT because of personality issues, not MS. Ugh.
Anyway, about the cockroaches in his house - anyone going over there needs to be scrupulous about their stuff. For instance, don't take a purse in there, or a bag or box of any sort that you're going to take back out. Be sure you brush yourself off very well before leaving. I say this because I looked at a house once to flip and it had roaches. I took my purse in ONE TIME and within a few weeks, I had a house full of roaches myself and had to get an exterminator to come out to get rid of them because nothing I tried myself worked. It was disgusting! So please be careful!
Look and sound familiar except different year, different problems? Those people finally got smart and quit feeding her.
I think one would expect the psychology to run in the family. One complains and the other feeds her something to complain about. Each are pushing each other's buttons, and they are actually enjoying it. If you're reading it and really getting into it, it might be the same dynamic happening here. Take a step back and do other things if you don't like the posts.
Wow, Jencam, the whole thing is so sad. But like you know, and others have testified to as well, lots of people who have MS live much more productive, healthy, happy lives than he does. He brings a lot of his situation on himself, independent of the MS. For instance, relationship wise - his issues have nothing to do with MS - he'd still be pushing buttons and trying to emotionally manipulate everyone if he didn't have MS. And health wise - he doesn't do PT or OT because of personality issues, not MS. Ugh.
Anyway, about the cockroaches in his house - anyone going over there needs to be scrupulous about their stuff. For instance, don't take a purse in there, or a bag or box of any sort that you're going to take back out. Be sure you brush yourself off very well before leaving. I say this because I looked at a house once to flip and it had roaches. I took my purse in ONE TIME and within a few weeks, I had a house full of roaches myself and had to get an exterminator to come out to get rid of them because nothing I tried myself worked. It was disgusting! So please be careful!
My sister mentioned being worried about her bag. I won't go. For a lot of reasons. When he momentarily was going to stay in the nursing home and said to start going through the house I was like nah. And if I did have to, I'd call pest control first. I am a bit of a ninny. There is no way I could deal with that many. At first turning on a light and a few scatter, ok, I could cope. But an infestation of ones so bold as to crawl on people? No.
We had a fight in the middle of the night about how all of this is on him now. He and he alone is in control of his destiny. He started off with messages telling me he's sorry he was mean to me when we were kids I said you are trying to draw me in. I am a lot of things, but not stupid. Other sister isn't meeting your needs and you are turning to me now.
Guess what? I have the same things to say as her. I understand why you think you only need leg exercises. That has worked well enough for you but that is over. Letting your core go was a huge mistake but you can turn it around if you choose to, if you find the WILL.
He screamed at my sister again over that today and she said do what you want, but core determines whether you can hold up your head, your ability to even BREATHE. I'm just telling you the consequences of your choices, but do what you want.
She has more to report but has a meeting. He's going home, supposedly. This place has no rehab, and once again come time to sign the medicaid papers and he balks. He's medicaid pending. IDK how long they will even let him stay on 'pending'. By not signing the papers they have no method of knowing they will ever get paid.
She said he's digging himself into a bad hole with the places. They won't keep taking Medicaid pending people who won't actually go onto Medicaid.
Medicare won't pay for anything for two more months. KA you are not lucky obviously all the caregiving you've had to do I will only say I envy that you could do for your mother what she needed instead of having to just stand by and watch dominoes fall.
There is a rollercoaster of feelings as you know and right now my adrenaline is pumping but later tonight I am going to get really sad.
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