Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I really respect you for not just walking away. I don't think I would have hung in there this long. But I agree with KA - don't do useless research. You have better things to do with your time. Take care of yourself.
Well, that's good news about your dad anyway. REALLY good news.
You know what I think? I think that you and your sister and your dad need to just totally remove yourselves from your brother's line of vision (and contacting him at all) for several days. He's in a safe place. Let him stew. Your sister did the right thing by just turning around and leaving when he was rude. That's what I had to do with my mom when she was in the hospital, counting on me to do everything, but then ranting and raving that I had the doctors all bamboozled and the entire hospital system against her yada yada yada - I decided that I just was not going to put up with her being rude and crazy and accusatory toward me, so the second she started that stuff, I just walked out of her room and left the hospital. I had to do this a couple of times but it worked with consistency. It upset my dad at first (only the first time) but hey, I felt great - I just left and went to a coffee shop, and then meandered on home and left Mom to lay there and stew.
You did get sucked back into the vortex again - but at least you realize it so don't let it keep happening.
Stop researching things for him. You're still giving him too much head space. It's a game you're both playing with each other. You know he doesn't need a printer - he's not going to buy a printer. Don't research that for him. Don't research anything else for him. Do something creative, and positive, and NOT FOR HIM BUT ONLY FOR YOURSELF with all that energy!
Good luck! Thanks for the update!
I didn't do any research. That was the whole argument. I wouldn't call around for a hoyer lift. All I did was google HP 8710 and give him the link to buy it. The printer that the woman can't use because she is in jail. He didn't want to say jail is why she can't print!
Here's what I did wrong: going that far into the game at all. There was no harm in engaging to the extent of clarifying his plan: this woman instead of Medicaid, and then I should have disengaged. 'Have her make the calls' and then block messages temporarily. Because he was flooding me with messages about how horrible I am for not making those calls.
I really respect you for not just walking away. I don't think I would have hung in there this long. But I agree with KA - don't do useless research. You have better things to do with your time. Take care of yourself.
Thank you I agree it's useless. That is what the argument was about. I wouldn't do it. I sent the link to buy a printer so that woman can do it. It was part of my argument that she isn't capable and reliable. THAT is where I erred and then I took a flame thrower to the situation.
What I regret is saying I do not wish to support irrational plans. If he doesn't get a rational plan I will force a sale of the house. GOD. That was pointless. That threat will not work. I am not talking to a rational person, that is the entire point. I am so upset with myself.
For years I have not allowed myself to be baited to that point and it feels like years of progress gone with the stroke of a message. And to go for the mother of all things to say. Tsk tsk.
God only knows what he will do now, frantic about the house. Ugh. :sm ack:
Anyway, trust is gone. I certainly can no longer play 'good cop'. That part is LOL but what I said isn't.
We want him in a nursing home but we aren't putting him on the street to accomplish it. It's going to play itself out on it's own.
OK so a hoyer lift is on the way and so is a Russian woman. Well, she has food poisoning so she is delayed (I don't think she is really coming). If she does, I worry about her being a predator.
The neighbor guy is supposedly COMMITTED to keeping my brother out of a nursing home. Talked about quality of life. In my head I was thinking what quality of life stuck in this chair with fecal material and roaches?
Where were you all this time about the roaches? Where were you when the grass was 10" high? Are you really committed to brother's quality of life, or are you committed to this house being here?
(Because he appears to be living there or at least staying there at this time, but that might not mean anything. I stayed there house and pet sitting before so of course I had to live too. Cook and do laundry and other life aspects. I took over the DVR while I was there alone and so forth. He was waiting on an electrician and getting the house ready for the Russian woman who he doesn't think is coming but is getting it ready just in case)
It just felt surreal seeing all of my mother's cookwear out and in use, the way he acted like a host, following me around to everything I was doing. Nervous. But he could have just felt weird, knowing that it all would seem weird to me, if that makes sense.
I want to take him at face value. I know some stuff he is cagey about for sake of brother's privacy, which is normal. I'd be the same in a friend's house in his shoes. My sister is HIGHLY suspicious. I am not. Just something doesn't totally add up to me. IDK which of us is right, how much I should even think about it, etc. (as if thinking about it is a choice).
I know this! While I am technically 'on board' with the idea in general of trying to keep him at home (what choice do I have?) I am not going to be around when brother gets home. Or should I?
When I was looking for a good article on narcissism for someone, I happened to click on one that talked about triggering the narcissist to show his true colors in front of a person being sucked in who isn't realizing it. The enabler. Which wouldn't be difficult. Just show up and he would quickly let fly.
But IDK if this guy really is being sucked in anymore, or if he sees some benefit to himself in all this.
I'm really stuck on why the lawn wasn't mowed and roaches not killed before. That doesn't compute for a guy committed to someone else's quality of life.
I am not committed in the same direction as him. And yet I was going to suck it up and kill the damn roaches. If I was his friend two doors down who was committed, I would have done that a long time ago. Heck, I would have done it for my own sake if I was going in there to do anything, even just bring food.
*I* didn't do it sooner because I am part of the 'stand off' with him. You can manage at home? OK, then manage. Call pest control. This guy supposedly is on the other team.
On the other end he reached my empathy side. He's all 'I would rather have a bullet in my brain than go live in one of those places'. I get it. I don't get all this time letting him sit in filth with roaches. Especially the latter. He is able bodied. He could have gone around with this spray can before. Something is 'off' but it may not be as off as sister thinks. I hope not.
OK so a hoyer lift is on the way and so is a Russian woman. Well, she has food poisoning so she is delayed (I don't think she is really coming). If she does, I worry about her being a predator.
The neighbor guy is supposedly COMMITTED to keeping my brother out of a nursing home. Talked about quality of life. In my head I was thinking what quality of life stuck in this chair with fecal material and roaches?
Where were you all this time about the roaches? Where were you when the grass was 10" high? Are you really committed to brother's quality of life, or are you committed to this house being here?
(Because he appears to be living there or at least staying there at this time, but that might not mean anything. I stayed there house and pet sitting before so of course I had to live too. Cook and do laundry and other life aspects. I took over the DVR while I was there alone and so forth. He was waiting on an electrician and getting the house ready for the Russian woman who he doesn't think is coming but is getting it ready just in case)
It just felt surreal seeing all of my mother's cookwear out and in use, the way he acted like a host, following me around to everything I was doing. Nervous. But he could have just felt weird, knowing that it all would seem weird to me, if that makes sense.
I want to take him at face value. I know some stuff he is cagey about for sake of brother's privacy, which is normal. I'd be the same in a friend's house in his shoes. My sister is HIGHLY suspicious. I am not. Just something doesn't totally add up to me. IDK which of us is right, how much I should even think about it, etc. (as if thinking about it is a choice).
I know this! While I am technically 'on board' with the idea in general of trying to keep him at home (what choice do I have?) I am not going to be around when brother gets home. Or should I?
When I was looking for a good article on narcissism for someone, I happened to click on one that talked about triggering the narcissist to show his true colors in front of a person being sucked in who isn't realizing it. The enabler. Which wouldn't be difficult. Just show up and he would quickly let fly.
But IDK if this guy really is being sucked in anymore, or if he sees some benefit to himself in all this.
I'm really stuck on why the lawn wasn't mowed and roaches not killed before. That doesn't compute for a guy committed to someone else's quality of life.
I am not committed in the same direction as him. And yet I was going to suck it up and kill the damn roaches. If I was his friend two doors down who was committed, I would have done that a long time ago. Heck, I would have done it for my own sake if I was going in there to do anything, even just bring food.
*I* didn't do it sooner because I am part of the 'stand off' with him. You can manage at home? OK, then manage. Call pest control. This guy supposedly is on the other team.
On the other end he reached my empathy side. He's all 'I would rather have a bullet in my brain than go live in one of those places'. I get it. I don't get all this time letting him sit in filth with roaches. Especially the latter. He is able bodied. He could have gone around with this spray can before. Something is 'off' but it may not be as off as sister thinks. I hope not.
I would be very suspicious about a neighbor suddenly moving into your brother's house and being "committed" to keeping him out of a nursing home. I would not be surprised if he is using your brother's credit cards for "expenses" or writing out checks.
My late aunt was swindled out of thousands of dollars and family heirlooms by a con artist that everyone originally thought was a good friend who my aunt met through her church. It was only through some quick thinking by an observant attorney that my aunt was saved from being swindled out of the deed to her home, land and all of her other property.
I am totally suspicious of this neighbor guy. The whole thing is bizarre. He wants something.
Honestly I'm sorry but I'm concerned for the Russian woman if she does come.
We will give her plane fare to go home if that is what she wants. If she wants citizenship enough to stay, that is her decision. But they are not real. This newest one is supposedly delayed by food poisoning. It's always something.
They are scamming him. My Dad rolls his eyes, but there is nothing he can do about it!
I think I have this guy sold on Medicaid but I am going to drop it now that I gave the information. That is on him, if he wants to take on trying to convince my brother of anything. Everyone else has given up on that.
Sister isn't going to interfere, but if she gets a phone call, hoo boy. They are going to get a visit and an earful from her.
I can virtually guarantee he will be coming home with no Medicaid. Just this hoyer lift in hopes of the guy and I guess back to the homeless drug addict if the Russian doesn't get over her ailment and on a plane.
We said it would be a rocky road. Welcome to the rocks! We just didn't imagine these particular rocks.
I suspect your sister is right. Unless you can have your brother declared incompetent I guess you can't force him to be reasonable.
We can't. People are allowed to blow money on fake Russian women and do stupid things like hoyer lifts operated by non-professionals. I think sister is 'wrong' at this point to intend to keep trying to control the uncontrollable, but that is not my business. What she chooses to do.
I would be very suspicious about a neighbor suddenly moving into your brother's house and being "committed" to keeping him out of a nursing home. I would not be surprised if he is using your brother's credit cards for "expenses" or writing out checks.
My late aunt was swindled out of thousands of dollars and family heirlooms by a con artist that everyone originally thought was a good friend who my aunt met through her church. It was only through some quick thinking by an observant attorney that my aunt was saved from being swindled out of the deed to her home, land and all of her other property.
yay for that attorney!
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
