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MIL seems happy in her new location and is informing OP how everyone is doting on her. Consider this as wonderful news! If she was disgruntled and begging to come “home”, you would have a different scenario.
Now you and your husband have the basis to expect both NV siblings to host MIL for a year each (or split the time as they choose) just as you did - one full year. How can MIL object if she has been happily relaying all the attention she is receiving?
Also, a TV for her room is quite cheap to buy. If your husband would like, he could contribute to the cost of that and a connection as a birthday or holiday gift. Quite a minor problem as compared to having MIL return to your home under the circumstances. Best of luck and I mean that sincerely.
(OP here) Yes, totally agree. Having a tv installed in her room there is no big deal. I really meant to emphasize that it is the small house and lack of space for her to "claim" as her own is the over-riding issue. (That and that my husband has always been her favorite child...)
(OP here) Yes, totally agree. Having a tv installed in her room there is no big deal. I really meant to emphasize that it is the small house and lack of space for her to "claim" as her own is the over-riding issue. (That and that my husband has always been her favorite child...)
Another thing to consider is that if your husband has always been "her favorite child" his siblings may feel resentment that he is "hogging her" and keeping her all to himself---especially if they have requested that Mom stay with them or visit them, too. You have mentioned that he really doesn't seem that interested in the day to day interactions with his mom (placing the burden on you). Is it possible that one of the reasons that he wants mom to live with him/you is that he wants to constantly remind his siblings that he is the favorite? Sort of like saying "Nah, Nah! Mom liked me better than all of you as children and still does! Nah! Nah!".
This may not true in your situation, but if you haven't considered it, please consider it now, as it may help to explain how he is acting.
Another thing to consider is that if your husband has always been "her favorite child" his siblings may feel resentment that he is "hogging her" and keeping her all to himself---especially if they have requested that Mom stay with them or visit them, too. You have mentioned that he really doesn't seem that interested in the day to day interactions with his mom (placing the burden on you). Is it possible that one of the reasons that he wants mom to live with him/you is that he wants to constantly remind his siblings that he is the favorite? Sort of like saying "Nah, Nah! Mom liked me better than all of you as children and still does! Nah! Nah!".
This may not true in your situation, but if you haven't considered it, please consider it now, as it may help to explain how he is acting.
I understand not telling his mother before she got on the plane, in case she decided to just not get on the plane. But if I was his sibling, I would not appreciate the duplicity at all.
What would happen if you told your husband, "if you want your mom to live with us, we'll need to sell this house first and either build or buy another with an in-law suite or a guest house for her to live in".?
I understand not telling his mother before she got on the plane, in case she decided to just not get on the plane. But if I was his sibling, I would not appreciate the duplicity at all.
What would happen if you told your husband, "if you want your mom to live with us, we'll need to sell this house first and either build or buy another with an in-law suite or a guest house for her to live in".?
I agree. I have encouraged my husband to speak with all the siblings about this so they can all come up with some proposals to present to MIL. Not sure why he hasn't done this yet, and I try not to bring it up since the topic of MIL's living situation is an emotional/hot-bed issue here.
I'm guessing husband doesn't want to tell siblings too early since he's concerned they will break the news to MIL before he does. I know this is weighing heavily on my husband's heart, and he wants to explain the situation to his mom in a kind manner, personally. Face-to-face.
The counselor I saw suggested we build a different house with a private in-law suite. I told her I didn't think it would be fair to us to have to sell our house and pay 6% realtor's commission plus 1% closing costs to sell a home I love. If I told my husband we should sell our house and build one with a suite for his mom, he would do so gladly. That's just the way he is. Since moving in with her other children would not cause us to lose such a large sum of money, I see that as the reasonable way to go.
OP here. I've been thinking the past few days about something else that never would have occurred to me prior to MIL moving in.
Having her here, sometimes sitting quietly, but listening to all of our conversations was almost like having a spy of sorts living here in my house. It struck me as mildly off-putting knowing that MIL was privy to the normal happenings of our household (bad/good) of which she can (and did) share with the extended family.
I don't know if I can quite put my thoughts into words. There are certain situations and conversations that occur within the sanctity of one's home that are not necessarily terrible but are ones that most people wouldn't voluntarily choose to share with their extended family.
An example might be a discussion with our teenager who might have earned a less than stellar grade on an exam or who didn't do his/her share of household chores. (These specific things did not happen, but I'm using them as an example to share my point.) Or perhaps the teenager was having a bad day and talked back to me in a slightly rude manner.
Ordinarily, I wouldn't tell my sister-in-law, brother-in-law, husband's nieces, nephews and cousins about my daughter's bad grade on an exam or her failure to empty the dishwasher. However, I noticed that MIL would often sit at the table listening quietly to our semi-private conversations and later pass along the stories to the extended family in casual phone conversations.
I suppose I could have said, "MIL, do not share anything you hear about our children with the rest of the family when you talk to them on the phone." However, this would have been uncomfortable since it's hard to define what is okay to share and what isn't. I mean, it isn't like I am talking about my children stealing neighborhood cars...the real life situations were more subtle and innocuous, but not things I would ordinarily want repeated to the extended family.
I suppose I also could have had all these conversations with my children in another room, but it's not always convenient to do so, and sometimes situations just pop-up that I didn't think would lead to my MIL hearing something I wouldn't want her to pass along.
It got to the point that I felt like I had a spy living with us who may not have been joining in a conversation but who was listening and filing away observations about our household to share with people later on. It was an odd feeling and made me feel like I had to watch everything I said and did. I didn't like it, and I'm glad I no longer feel uncomfortable about the goings on of the Real World in my own home.
I can totally relate to that. Even when I have guests for a short period of time, I feel that I must be in my room alone with my husband to convey anything I'd really rather them not hear.
And even if you did sell the house you love and buy a place with an in-law suite, your MIL is older and will have more health challenges. Who will care for her when that is needed? It doesn't sound as though your husband is willing to do that. And if her health challenges necessitate her move to Assisted Living, then you are stuck with a house you would not have purchased if not for her.
Well, the not telling his family is on him then. I do think it best in a marriage for each spouse to handle the communication & respective family's issues.
I get that you love your house. But if you could have it replicated with an additional guest house, could you like that? Or is it the house & setting that would be hard to replicate? Could you afford a copy of your house & also a guest house? & it is also cool if you have no interest in MIL living with you, period.
Is your own Mother living & would your spouse be okay with her or some family member of yours living in your house?
Well, the not telling his family is on him then. I do think it best in a marriage for each spouse to handle the communication & respective family's issues.
I get that you love your house. But if you could have it replicated with an additional guest house, could you like that? Or is it the house & setting that would be hard to replicate? Could you afford a copy of your house & also a guest house? & it is also cool if you have no interest in MIL living with you, period.
Is your own Mother living & would your spouse be okay with her or some family member of yours living in your house?
I do not want to sell my home, buy another piece of property and build another home with a guest house for my 92 year old MIL who has an undefined amount of time before she will need to move into assisted living. That does not sound like a fair and equitable option for my family and for our finances, especially since MIL's other children want her to move in and she has rejected their offers due to her preference to live in my larger home.
Yes, my mother is alive. I asked my husband once how he would feel if he was a stay-at-home dad and we moved my mother in. His response would be that he would just leave the house and go play golf all day. I responded that I didn't think it was fair to me to have to leave my house everyday (especially with my own health issues) just to escape his mother. I think he got the point.
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